I have a lot to get off my chest.

[TheRedBaron]

I have never had a life which was unbearable or soul shattering, but it wasn't easy either. My mother and father were in one of those relationships where they loved and hated each other, and that all came to a head when they separated. i was around seven at the time (i don't remember the exact age so expect some margin of error) and it hurt, but they were better off

a year or so ago my mom got together with a good guy and they are happy. same goes for my father. but since even before they separated i have had issues with depression. it has always weighed down on my due to a weakness i saw in myself. but as of late it has evolved into a mix of depression and self hatred. this all stems from that original idea of weakness. at the moment i am fine, but i wont be for long. at least that is what i fear. i don't want to hurt myself or kill myself, but those ideas have been a looming shadow. the problem is that the shadow is getting bigger. i cant tell my mother or my father because when i try to they don't understand what i'm trying to say. my mother says it is the fact that i'm on the computer all the time when that is one of the few ways that i can escape from the self hatred. i forget i exist for just a moment. my dad just doesn't see why i'm sad.

i forgot to explain why i think i'm weak. i think i'm weak because i cant help those i care about. my life was never especially hard, but those around me didn't have the same privilege. i watched as my family struggled to put food on the table and worked their fingers to the bone. but i always ate, even if they went hungry. i hated that. i am the kind of person who finds happiness in others so instead of making me feal loved, those kind gestures were torture. and i couldn't do a damn thing. not for them, not for myself, nothing. and now that self hate has gotten so much worse. i grit my teeth when i think of myself, i have gone to punch a wall and thought "but i will hurt myself" and a little part of my thought "good". that part is getting bigger, and i am scared that i wont be able to resist it at some point. just to be clear i haven't reached that point, but it is coming fast.

and now i will move on to the second most scary part of my life. i have no goal. most if not all people have a goal they strive for. i have none. no, that isn't quite right. i want to love somebody. i want to find a person who i believe deserves all the happiness i can give and give it. but i don't have that. i feel like that is my reason to live, and yet i dont have anyone to give to. i live exclusively for other people. and yet i cant find anyone to live for. right now all i have is people to not die for. i don't die because they would be sad, or they need me. but i don't have someone to live for. and right now that is something i really want, maybe even need.

i want to just delete this but i spent a lot of time on it. if you read this, thanks.

[NHSseemstonotcare]

First off, thank you for talking, it takes courage to do so, and i believe it really does help. not just the person typing, or those responding,but also the thousands lurking who also feel the same way but have not yet built up the courage to type.

Secondly, what you type sounds almost identicul to myself, so, you are not alone!

I believe, deep down, even if they don't realise it, everyone is searching for the "one", or "soul mate". including myself! How, and how to overcome the demons in our heads that's stopping us from looking, that is the question. How do we with self hatred develop this self loving that makes us confident to risk our hearts to risk them being hurt again? i as yet, do not know, wish i did. The thought, or at least one, is gradual exposure, gradual risk, which builds self confidence so any knock backs are cushioned by the built up confidence in oneself. I...I just don't know....

The net addiction. Yep, have, had, still to a extent, got that. Are you addicted? There are several places you can go to test yourself to find out what extent you might, or might not, be online too much. I scored 8 out of 10, lol, so yep very net addicted, of course no help with it from MH but at least now i am aware i have a problem.

I see it again. FEAR. You fear what might happen. It's dam difficult i know, but, it's fear causing worry, fear of what "might" happen, a thought pattern based no doubt on "past" experiences. Again, sorry about this, as i personally know it's difficult, try to challenge the thought pattern of thinking " it happened in the past so it will happen in the future", instead, live in the "now". That way the fear has no hold over you,your actions. I know it sounds corny, but keep a "emotions diary". When you, feel down, ask yourself what thought caused me to feel like this? Then work backwards. What's caused that thought, why did i come up with that thought and what caused that, why did i presume that thought, what would have caused me to think that,etc.

Reading what you wrote, it springs out you feel powerless to prevent things, and that leads back to powerless to prevent your parents difficulties........It wasn't YOUR responsibility to fix your parents. It never was, and never will be. The ONLY persons actions you are responsible for are YOUR OWN! They have eventually solved THEIR problems out, and have found happiness! Forgive yourself. You can not, and should not, try to control others and their decisions. Your heart wants happiness for them, they have it, any mistakes in the past,present,or future that they make are theirs, do not feel like YOU have to be the parent of them. Don't get me wrong, what i am trying to say. it looks like you took on the responcability of their happiness when you where a child and as you couldn't possibly do this, no one could, people can only control their own thoughts and feelings,you have somehow taken this on to mean you failed. "Failed,worthless,will fail again,don't try your fail again,hurt again".....This thought is NOT what i get, i get,"Tried to fix what couldn't be fixed and what wasn't his to fix but desperately tried anyway, failed as everyone would, but now thinks he will always fail, which he will not,but fear of failure is now causing him to fail finding love and happiness ", "Must destroy FEAR of failure", "Destroy FEAR".