Help asking for help.

[Tryingtofight]

Hi, I've just joined so I'm not really sure how this works yet but I'm wondering if anyone can help me learn how to ask for help.

I don't know if its the fear of judgement or of not being believed or if its because I don't feel like I deserve it or I dont want to feel weak. I dont know if it's something that I have been brought up to believe or if it's just an innate part of my personality. But I cannot ask for help.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life and for most of that time I have done it alone. I did see a doctors for a while when I was about 19/20 and that was because my mum dragged me there after she realised I hadn’t left my bed in 2 days. I was put on to antidepressants but they didn’t make a difference so I ended up trying three different kinds, to no effect, before I gave up. I was never referred to secondary care, I only ever saw my GP but every time I had an appointment I lied. I dont know why. I would sit down before hand and think about all the things that I wanted to say, all the things that I needed help with, and I would be determined to talk about them. But as soon as I would get into the appointment It's like my mind would blank out, I could remember what I wanted to say but I couldn't make myself say it. So I would lie, and I would make it sound as if I wasn't suffering as badly as I actually was and I that I was getting better, even though I definitely wasn't.

It was almost like an out of body experience. Like I would be inside my mind watching myself saying that I was feeling better, and I would know that I was lying. But I couldn't stop myself. It was like the world wasn't really real, like I was watching it through a window.

That was 8 years ago. My mental health just keeps getting worse and I know I cant cope on my own anymore, I know I need help. But I have no idea how to ask for it. I have tried to make a doctors appointment but every time I pick up the phone I end up having a panic attack before Im even able to get out my name. I just dont know what to say. And I'm scared that what happened before will happen again. I'm afraid that I will get into the doctors office and I wont be able to stop myself from lying about how bad I am.

I know this might sound silly but I'm really hoping to get some tips on asking for help, because I really don't know where to start.

To be honest I'm really hoping that someone will tell me what to say or give me some kind of script to follow for when I phone to make appointment. Or will tell me how to stop that weird out of body thing from happening this time.

Really, any kind of tips on how to ask for help would very much be appreciated.

[hypercat54]

Hi I know how hard it is to seek help but you have to do it. No one can do it for you. My first time I got an awful doctor who just called me 'uptight' and gave me some leaflets on sleeping. It took another few months to pluck up the courage to go again after a suicide atempt. This time I got a lovely (female) doctor who helped me a lot.

My advice is to ask the receptionists for the nicest most sympathetic doctor. Then write down how you are feeling with the symptoms and how often etc. Also write down your fear of being judged and that when spoken to you tend to lie coz of this. Take this with you when you go and just hand it to the doctor. You will be far from the only patient to have ever done that. Similarly mental health issues are the reason for the 2nd most visits to doctors and they will have heard it all many times before.

Good luck and make that appointment. x

[Tryingtofight in reply to hypercat54]

Hi, thanks so much for replying. I think that is what is stopping me the most at the moment. I'm just hanging on by a thread and I'm worried that, if I get a doctor who has an attitude like what you described, I'm not going to be able to handle it and I'm scared of how I will react.

Those are some good ideas thank you, I always have been better at writing than speaking and it's reassuring to know that they'll have seen others with the same issue before. I'm not sure how asking for the nicest doctor will go down. I've not long moved to a new practice and I have never had an appointment there before, but it's definitely worth a go.

Thank you.

[hypercat54 in reply to Tryingtofight]

Well like I said I asked the receptionist who didn't turn a hair so I guess she had been asked this many times before.

I have heard that the biggest reason people visit their doctors is for a bad back. The second most is mental health issues.... x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Tryingtofight and a very warm welcome.

You will find this a very caring and supportive community. Hypercat54 has given you some very sound advice.

Do pluck up the courage to speak up, even if you ring a charity like Mind to chat first about what you are going to say to the GP and if you need to take a close friend with you, one you have respect for and trust.

Good luck with your first steps towards help. You can do it.

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse.

mind.org.uk Tel: [phone].

[Tryingtofight in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Hi, thank you for the welcome, it is definitely appreciated.

Unfortunately I don't really have any proper friends, certainly none that I am close enough to that I would trust them with this. The only person who knows that I've had mental health issues is my mum and she has been... less than supportive, lets say, in the past. So I don't really feel like I can go to her now.

Mind look like a great charity and I've actually spent a lot of time on their website looking through all of the information. Sadly, I think, they are only available in England and I'm in Scotland. I tried contacting Samh once, they seem to be the Scottish equivalent, but they were kind of useless and really could only tell me that they don't have any services in my area. I don't know of any other charities like that in Scotland but I will certainly keep looking.

Thanks for the suggestions x

[Rick1on1]

Hypercat54 has given you some sound advice.

I want to add that you must not feel guilt or shame or blame for being the way you are.

Research has shown that the number of people suffering from depression and anxiety is increasing. So you are not alone although from what I see on this forum, there are still many medical personnel who lack the compassion to deal with it. I was once told by a psychiatrist that he "is not there to make me happy". Right enough, but is it my fault that I got to sit in front of his desk in the first place?

Have you tried other remedies besides meds to get control of your condition?

[Tryingtofight in reply to Rick1on1]

Hi thanks for replying. I know, logically, that I shouldn't feel guilty for needing help. But knowing that logically and actually making myself believe it seem to be very different things.

Right?! I don't have a very good history with doctors. My old GP practice was hugely underfunded and was pretty much staffed by locums. I don't think I ever saw the same GP twice. And so many of them had this kind of attitude. I'm sorry you had to get it to.

I have tried so many different things it would probably take me an hour to list them all. Out of the major ones; I did counselling with a local charity a while back, I didnt really get much out of it. I really struggled with speaking, much like above, and I only got 6 sessions, so by the time I was just starting to work out how to speak to him it was over. He did have a couple of interesting observations for me but nothing that I can do anything with. I did an online CBT program thing, which was pretty much useless. I've tried taking care of myself better, you know, exercising and eating healthier. I tried mindfulness. Plus a bunch of little things like finding hobbies and reading self help books etc. So far none of it has made a difference.

[Hidden]

Everyone deserves to be heard.. no matter what anyone else might think. You have already taken ur first step for help.. your here with all of us.We all get it and r in the same boat.Suggestion… get yourself a book and write ur feelings down, that might help u to be able to open up to a doctor or etc.Ive even photocopied what Ive written and handed it to a doc to read.The best part is.. down the road u can look back n see where u where.

[Tryingtofight in reply to Hidden]

Hi, that's a good idea, thanks. I like the idea of being able to look back and see if anything has changed. It feels like I have been stuck like this forever but I have never really kept a diary or anything before so maybe there have been times where I have felt better and I just don't realise it.

[Hidden in reply to Tryingtofight]

I also write funny thoughts I may have,or even draw pictures.it helps get everything out of ur body so u can process it.I probably have 7/8 years worth of books.best to u.

[Tryingtofight]

Thank you all so much for your replies, I wasn't sure if anyone would even read this post so to have all of your comments meant a lot.

It was suggested a few times to try writing things down, so I have started writing down a description of how I feel and why I need help.

I also started writing a script for what I want to say when I phone to make an appointment. I though that I might be a bit calmer if I had a plan of what to say. I think it sounds good so far but I'm struggling to work out how to explain my actual problem. I'm not comfortable going into detail with the receptionist but I've not long moved to a new practice and I dont know how their system works.

At my last practice, if you wanted an appointment then you had to phone up at 8.30 am exactly and explain to the receptionist what was wrong with you and why you wanted an appointment. They then decided if your problem was bad enough to see the GP, if not they put you on the list for the nurse. You then had to wait for the GP/nurse to phone you back later in the day to do a telephone appointment where they would then decide if it was worth you coming in for an actual appointment or not. If you didn't give the receptionist details about what was wring with you then she would refuse to put you on the list for an appointment. It was a nightmare, and was 100% the reason I moved to a new practice. I don't think this new practice has the same system but I'm still worried about what to say. The receptionist at my old practice was horrible and was so unsympathetic that she used to make me cry.

[Hidden]

You could just show your next doctor your opening post in this thread - it explained it all eloquently enough.

I have had plenty of experiences of my own with unfriendly, even overtly aggressive doctors, which always left me traumatised, anxious and paranoid. I wish I could have complained at the time and had them struck off. Noone goes to the doctor to feel worse than when they went in, and if I could have gotten some proper help 30 years ago my whole life would have been transformed.

Re. Anti-depressants not working, I have always thought I was suffering from anxiety and depression, but the anti-depressants I had been on at various times in the past, for months on end - they could have been sweets for all the difference that they made.

Then the consultant that I saw a few weeks ago spotted this in my record and made the observation that I have probably never suffered from depression - that the lows were actually coming off the hypomanic periods from what she diagnosed as possibly cyclothymia - I always have trouble spelling that word, will mispell as chlamydia one of these days, I'm sure... - but no, not depression - and this is a feature of trying to get a handle on what you might have, there are so many overlaps, and conditions resembling each other, that trying to figure out what your condition is - it is like going for a buffet lunch and making your choices blind fold.

Even now I can't quite believe that I don't suffer from depression, but the point is that you need a qualified and sympathetic consultant to hear you out, so please try your very best to express yourself.