** Trigger warning** I don't know where to start...

[Drizzyt]

I don't know where to start . Although I'm only 19 I feel like I experienced more hardship than most people should in a lifetime. I guess I'll start at my childhood. I grew up lower middle class so I lived comfortably but was often hungry . When I was around 3 years old I was diagnosed with Non Hodgkin's lymphoma, a rare lymphatic cancer. I went through chemo but sadly relapsed with a brain tumor at only 6 years old. They did cranial radiation and chemotherapy and eventually I was consider "remissed". But I can't still feel the after effect on my brain and body to this day.

Growing up I was a very shy kid because of the pain I went through in my developing years. I had very few friends, one of which was my next door neighbor. Well call him John. John and I were great friends, he would come to my birthday parties in the hospital when I was too sick to leave. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. He was like a brother. We fell out during highschool but we were still cool with each other. Then the grave news hit in 2016 that he was fatally killed in a drunk driving accident. It shocked me to my core. I asked god why he would take him and not me. I still don't have an answer.

Fast forward to now I am bald at 19 for at least the 5th time in my life. all through highschool people would tease me for my hairline which I had no control over. Girls would pass me up and people would think different of me.

My mother often neglected me. I know she loved me, but she had unresolved issues with her father which affected her parenting style. She would treat me different from my 3 younger siblings (I am the eldest), who I constantly lived in the shadows of. My brother, a phenom basketball player and my sister a top ranking, UT accepted ,choir and band legend. Me I was the pothead with a problem that my mom just had to fix. So she loaded me up with adderall and antidepressant pretty much from 5th grade until I graduated. It left me with a burnout feeling once I graduated.

I had no control over what was put into my body and felt almost malnourished from the lack of food and nutrients. I am 5"11 and weigh a meek 130 pounds. My hair line is now non existent and I feel naked without my beautiful golden blonde locks. I accept that I will probably be bald for the rest of my life, but I don't even look good with a shaved head because I'm so meek. I look unhealthy. Plus my aunt told me that because l had cancer and chemo and radiation that I would be sterile and not able to have my own children. I didn't want to believe her but I got tested and it was true. So now I feel like a lost soul. With so little to contribute working a dead end job, late on my rent, smothered in debt. My mother called me "a million dollar baby" because of my treatment and I haven't lived up to it at all. I was the "miracle child" but I've only inflicted pain and suffering to anyone who's had the disservice of meeting me.

My confidence has never been lower. Because of the pain I felt inside after my father left us during my cancer treatment, and the regret that they didn't let me die. I turned to the streets for guidance and along came the drugs and women well. I'm not the most bad looking dude as I've been with good looking girls, but always managed to ruin the relationships. And of course in the streets, if you run them long enough you make enemies. So now I have over 20 people looking for me in public so I have to carry a gun with me everywhere I go. I don't know anymore. I'm tired of running . Fighting for my life. Trying to protect my family even when I know they're in danger. I've come close to joining gangs . Just to protect myself. I always ask God for protection and I know he has (or had) a plan for me but I feel I'm too far gone with the things I've done. I could have been so much more. But I have a tendency for destroying anything I put work into because I don't think it's good enough. I'm the " million dollar baby" so anything short of a million isn't good enough in my eyes. The drugs, the money problems, spiritual isolation. It's almost as if I welcome death at this point. It sounds weird but the one passion I have is rap. I make my own beats and write all my lyrics. It's almost like I funnel my emotions through my music. But as of late not even my tunes can bring me any comfort. I feel like a dissapointment and failure in everyway. To my family, friends, lovers and exes. They give me pity constantly. "Being bald isn't so bad" coming from the people with full heads of hair. I never asked to be bald. All my siblings have rich thick Italian hair. But because of my treatment it took all of that away. The only thing keeping me from ending it is the pain I would put people through knowing I was gone

[MsTree]

I think you're awesome, smart, talented, a good writer, with a lot to offer this world. Consider moving somewhere away from the city and start anew. With your illnesses, you should be able to get SSA and welfare at least until you can get a foothold in life. You've beaten the odds more than once. God has kept you alive for a reason. He has his angels watching over you. I taught Sunday School for 35 years. God is real but allows us to make our own choices. Some of us pay the price for other's choices just because we were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I've been angry and didn't talk to God for about a year after my best friend was killed by a drunk driver. She was on her way to my house because she wanted to take me out for a birthday dinner. She was buried on my 50th birthday. As I said, I can tell you are one awesome dude. Don't give up.

[Hidden]

I would first like you to know that I am with you. I understand your pain. Your fears. Sometimes we have to give up fighting and accept our pains. There is only one thing that is ours in this world. And that is our pain.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello and welcome Drizzyt. I really admire you as you could be such an inspirational person for others like you. Life has thrown so much at you and still you are articulate, caring and a lovely person to boot.

There are wigs available that do not look false. That may help with your self esteem, however there are many celebrities that are also bald - like the swimmer Duncan Goodhew and certain actors who now all wear hair pieces or full wigs. There are also charity based helplines for counselling that are non judgemental and will take the time to listen. I would suggest talking with your GP but I don't know where you are in the world? However there is access to Counsellors in the UK via your Doctor, but it would take time to arrange as they have limited resources. Which is why I have included a few websites for you. Look inside yourself as you are a very worthwhile person. That's who you are.

Please take heart, you are not alone. This is a very caring and supportive community. Also perhaps look at some of the 'topic' and 'pinned posts' that are available on your screen.

be.macmillan.org.uk/be/s-75...

macmillan.org.uk Helpline 7 days a week 8am-8pm on 0808 80800 00.

urhair.co.uk/c/wigs...... wigs under the NHS for cancer patients.