I Don't Know What's Wrong

[Pocket_Ninja]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm kind of at a loss here, so I figured I'd find help or advice here.

I've always struggled with making friends and being social. I've felt isolated and lonely a lot and I've had trouble connecting with people. I suck at socialising. I probably have some form of social anxiety, but I don't have trouble with being around people, I only get nervous interacting with them because I know I'll mess it up and wouldn't know what to say. The slightest emotional discomfort can send me into a meltdown. I once fell to the floor crying my eyes out after losing my travel card despite the fact that I could always just ask my parents for one of theirs or just buy a generic one, or order my student one. I went on an angry rampage screaming and kicking and throwing things because my sister took my toothbrush with her on holiday. The slightest inconveniences just set me off. And while I'm having a meltdown, inside I know it's irrational and tell myself to stop screaming and crying, but obviously that doesn't work. I used to be able to hold it in, usually with a painful feeling in my chest. Now I just seem to explode straight away. I feel like I've given up at this point.

I feel like I'm not normal. No, in fact, I don't believe normal people act like this. I've always known that other kids saw me as different when I was in primary school. I have a bad memory, but I feel like it has gotten progressively worse.

I spoke to a counsellor about it. She suggested Pathological Demand Avoidance which is on the autism spectrum. I was so happy because I thought I finally had a reason and I could explain to people why I acted the way I did. I think I got a bit more stable after that. I went to my GP to see if I could get assessed and she flat out dismissed me, because I did well in my studies and I can talk or whatever.

So after that I started to doubt myself more. I eventually decided to keep using the autism label to describe myself, but only told close friends. But since I had no diagnosis I just felt so guilty and the guilt became so much I had to drop the label and now I'm desperately trying to find out what is really wrong with me, but I feel like I'm just making things up and I just want a diagnosis for the sake of having one.

So I stopped trying to look but the impulse to look is so strong and I've been battling against it and it's just making me so miserable and I've been crying so much and freaking out a lot more, and I've given already and I'm already thinking of ADHD but I know my GP will never refer me for a diagnosis and I don't want appropriate the label, but I want to know what's going on because at the moment I feel like I'm normal but I'm just weak and want excuses. All these thoughts have been going around in my mind and I'm just getting really confused. Does anyone have any insight??

Thanks for reading.

[mysmugcat]

Hello. Could you see another doctor for a second opinion and or speak to the counselor again, even get a letter from her or a phone call to a doctor? Would your parents help you, a relative or friend if needed? Do you find change extremely hard or not?

[Pocket_Ninja in reply to mysmugcat]

I actually spoke to two doctors. The first said she'd refer me but then nothing happened. The second was my GP who straight up refused. I don't know if my GP would even bother reading a letter from the counsellor because I told her that it was what the counsellor suggested and she still said no.

My parents or any relatives won't help me and I think all my friends would be too busy, or maybe I'm just too scared to ask. I know I have a problem with refusing to depend on people, but I'm not really sure why.

I don't find change extremely hard and I'm not that convinced I'm autistic anymore so I'm stuck not really knowing what's going on.

[mysmugcat in reply to Pocket_Ninja]

Which country do you live in and your approximate age please?

[Pocket_Ninja in reply to mysmugcat]

I live in England and I'm 19.

[mysmugcat in reply to Pocket_Ninja]

Ok ty and good luck. Check out the website kooth.com for young people. It has various good support. Pm anytime

[Pocket_Ninja in reply to mysmugcat]

Thanks so much 😊 I'll check it out

[Pocket_Ninja in reply to mysmugcat]

I tried to sign up but they don't have my borough

[mysmugcat in reply to Pocket_Ninja]

Ok I apologize I will think again

[tofler]

It might be that you have Asperger's syndrome which is part of the autistic spectrum but without any cognitive impairment. This means that you can do well academically at school and college but struggle with social interaction and also struggle when unexpected events interfere with your usual daily routine (e.g. losing your travel pass or your sister taking your toothbrush). Unfortunately though there's not a lot of support services around in the UK for people who have Asperger's. Getting a diagnosis in adulthood can also be difficult and very time consuming, especially as your GP doesn't sound very helpful. Have a look at the National Autistic Society's website, you might find more info on there about Asperger's and trying to get a diagnosis. Keep trying a different GP until you find one who will take a bit more notice of what you have to say.

[Pocket_Ninja in reply to tofler]

Thanks so much, I'll try that 😊

[Lettiejp in reply to tofler]

I was diagnosed with Asperger's already and that is like it. I didn't do well academically, not everyone with ASD can. Some can be more social than others. Everyone with ASD is different. ADHD however is another kettle of fish..

[Lettiejp]

Hi I've just read that and lo and behold I have similar problems to you! I was diagnosed Asperger's at 19 in 1997 and ADHD this year and PDA I keep being told by the Maudsley doesn't exist as a diagnosis! I get aggressive and hate being looked at. I don't have energy and find things confusing. I get lost easily and walk out if something isn't right. I get fears if say a lift to go up looks weird or a person's appearance it bothers me. I lack family and don't have many friends. The diagnoses didn't help I've had no after care and don't understand the diagnosis. I'm waiting for treatment still after 6 months

[Pocket_Ninja in reply to Lettiejp]

Yeah I actually got diagnosed earlier this year with ASD, the asperger's profile in particular, so I'm greatful for that, but I'm still trying to work through things of course. There is a surprising lack of support for autistic adults which sucks. I hope we can find ways to cope better.

[Lettiejp]

I have lost countless relationships. I'm jealous of other women they are cool and get partners they fall in love. I don't I'm too worried and anxious so I end it because I don't feel anything anymore I feel so bad about myself