I don't know what's the matter with me. I plucked up the courage and re-joined the gym on Friday...sick of talking to the wall at home.
The only person I see generally is my son who is out all week at school (6th form). Been down since yesterday.
I went to town today to get some bits for the gym; went into a cafe for a coffee and sat there as "Bill no mates" and everyone was in "twos" and I felt so out of place just having a drink. I was out for about 3 hours all told and I didn't see one person I know. I am beginning to feel like a social outcast. Am I that awful that I can't call on anyone to meet for a coffee and well as for a relationship I must be butt ugly; I am beginning to feel it that's for sure.
I got home and I feel so miserable. I am snapping at my son...not his fault.
I knew it was going to be bad when I got up this morning, had a cuppa and then burst into tears.
I know it's not the end of the world but I just want to get off this bloody hamster wheel.
Written by
Lois1959
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15 Replies
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Hi
I know the feeling as everything you have written applies to me too. It won't be anything about us apart from a lack of inner confidence that comes from earlier experiences or similar. It does feel as everyone else is part of a couple or that everyone else has lots of friends and a lot of people do. You are brave to go out for the coffee, I stay home on the computer or similar and wish I had somewhere to go. I don't know whether it's the same for you but for me it's about where I live as well as other things, there's simply nowhere that I want to go within easy distance. Yesterday I went into Manchester, an hour's drive away, and immediately felt more optimistic as there are so many possible things to do. It's a shitty life sometimes. I wonder whether there is anything you can join, maybe some class at a local college or similar, something that will give you a new sense of direction? Your son is at the stage of life where he will be working towards hopefully moving forwards and so you need to find something to fill the gap, perhaps a new career or hobby that you can develop in some meaningful way? I did an art degree a few years ago, always said I can't draw, which is true, but managed to do well on a Foundation course at the local college which was a really good year for me, then the degree. Now I'm looking for something new to do!. Take care and keep smiling when you can. Crying's ok too it's just that it hurts! Suexx
I suppose I am lucky in that the Gym is only 10 minutes away on foot. Howevr town itself is a bus ride. I miss my car;
I am looking for work; I was made redundant in Nov 2011...I did my degree when my son was about 7 whilst working....I just wish I could get over how rubbish things have been for the last 11 years....just going to work, looking after my son and no social life since and now I don't even have the job. Never forgiven my ex for leaving on Boxing Day for another woman! He's having the bloody life of Riley and I didn't cheat for God's sake!
2011 was absolutely the pits. Lost job in November, same month my younger brother died and at Christmas my sister diagnosed with breast cancer. (She is ok now). In February 2012 I had to move from where I was living for 7 years as my landlord wanted to sell the house.
I really do wonder why I am here....it's pointless and I am getting nothing out of life at all. Each time I try and pull myself up by the bootstraps I am met with another great big ball coming at me at 100 miles an hour to knock me back...the voice inside saying you aren't here to have fun, just to make up the numbers and that's your life.
It's times like now that I wish I listened more carefully. I don't take a blind bit of notice of anything that my counsellor says to me, and now I'm trying frantically to remember this story about going to the pub he keeps insisting on telling me. He draws this random triangle thing on a piece of paper and writes some words about feelings and behaviour or something (I'm usually bored and looking out the window by this point). He then tells this elaborate great tale about how he goes in to the pub and because he thinks people are staring at him, he starts to panic and ends up having a crap night. In the next part of the story, he goes into the same pub, and when they all stare at him as he enters, he tells himself that they are only looking to see if the friend they are waiting for has arrived. He reminds himself that they are not looking at him, and he goes to the bar, orders his food and enjoys his night.
I am wondering if your experience in the cafe could be likened to his story. You assume that you're the odd bod on your own and allow yourself to feel self conscious. I wonder how many of the people In the cafe are actually a little bit envious of you enjoying an hour's complete peace? When I eat in cafes with my children, and my food goes cold because I'm too busy breaking up arguments and reminding my daughter not to eat with her hands, I look wistfully at the person sat on their own catching up on the newspaper.
It's a shame that you lost your job, but great that you are on the lookout for something new. Have you considered doing voluntary work? It's a great way to enhance your CV, as well as an opportunity to make friends, get out of the house and give something valuable to your community. Schools, hospitals, charity shops and local parks are always on the look out for folk to lend a hand x
What you said about the cafe is right of course ...me being paranoid I suppose. (Where can I find find all that good stuff in my sub-conscious that I learned from CBT when I need it?!)
I am looking into opportunities for voluntary work already....I am waiting for one organisation to get in touch.
I just want my life to change NOW and I know realistically it's not going to happen overnight; impatience being part of the depressive condition.
Sorry that you are feeling so down... felt a bit like that today myself. When I lost my job last year , after a while I did some voluntary work, in old people's home and in a new entrant class, and it was so good for me . Gave me confidence and lots of new aquaintances.And the people really appreciated me being there... for nothing!!!! I now have a little part time job as a teacher aide to a little girl and I get paid for it. It's a great job and I have met some lovely, supportive people. Do hope that volunteering works for you. Better days ahead we hope. xxxx
It is tough at times living on your own, I live on my own for some years now, it does get easier, but you sure need to get out and join stuff or plan lttle things. What are your interests? could be joining a Book Club, a Gym, or maybe Volunteering too, I am basing this advice on my own situation, I realised that me sitting at home and passively waiting for things to happen. I had to take that first step, now I do some Voluntary work one day, and joined an Art Class, and it takes on a little life of its own then. I go into coffee shop and have a latte and read the paper. These start to make you feel like a "normal" person, You will have to make the best of it, otherwise you will sit and feel sorry for yourself for ever.
Living alone is a big change but its not the worst thing by any means. Try and view it positively and see each day as a new opportunity. Keep a log of everything you do and score it aferwards like this.
Activity. Mood Before Mood after. Enjoyment Factor. Mastery factor.
Baking Depr. Feel ok 7/10 8/10
Hi again
That sounds like me, doing a degree when the children were little, but I went back and did another one completely different just for the enjoyment. It's hard I find not to have a sense of direction and at least a course gave me that, the problem for me now is finding another course I'd want to do and then paying for it! Probably you could not afford to do a second degree anyway but it was just an idea.
I agree it is difficult not to talk to anyone for days at a time. I am lucky enough to be married to a lovely man, but he has renal failure and sleeps most of the time so that it feels like living alone although I guess there is a subtle difference in that at least there is a sense of someone in the house. But in some ways I find that as bad because if there was no one I would put an ad in the Guardian soulmates or Classic fm or somewhere else in order to meet someone.
Are there any activities or clubs locally? It's easy to say I know but joining things is probably the best thing as it's the only way to meet new friends, they won't come knocking on the door as I'm sure you realise. I keep saying I will join things but then find reasons not to e.g. I'm too busy putting things to sell on e-bay or too busy trying to get the garden tidy when in fact I know it's just that I can't find the energy and motivation to find things to go to and also dread meeting new people because it all feels too difficult at first. I don't know whether it's the same for you but I find the more time I spend alone the more difficult it is to make myself socialise with strangers in a way that might lead to friendship. It feels so wearying.
Do you have ANY hobbies or interests, or things you WOULD like to do if it was possible? Even just having a dream of some kind and then researching how you might pursue it can break the monotony. Meeting people by chance when pursuing an interest can be the best way to find like-minded people.
Sorry I can only offer advice I don't follow myself. There is no easy to way to stop feeling lonely or bored and of course when we are lonely and bored life does not feel meaningful. The only things that make life meaningful are people and doing things we enjoy so you need to find both of those! Not much sympathy I know, but that's reality.
Take care and keep writing. Smetimes like you I have a burst of energy and manage to do something interesting for a change and I feel so much happier for it.
At least we can come on hear and talk to pther people so know we're not the only ones.
Thanks for posting. I am a little better today; I re-joined the gym on Friday (after 9 years!) and had my induction with my PT this afternoon. It was hard work but I felt so alive after it!!
I am going to keep it up; it gets me out of the house and I have said on previous posts that I am putting weight on around my girth so killing 2 birds with one stone.
I am not expecting miracles; having suffered with depression and anxiety for over 30 years and probably have to accept that the condition is part of me;but if the bad days decrease it will be worth it. xx
You're doing better than me! Well done. I re-joined the gym which I also don't much like but did go a few times, then went away to Mexico and since then haven't had the motivation to return back to three times weekly. I need a nudge so let me know how it goes for you and that may inspire me to get going again - I'm paying for it so might as well use it.
Suex
Hi Lois.
Have had those days many times and nobody seem to help all the doctors want to do is give you antidepressant which I cannot take so believe me you are not alone although it seems so.
One of the girls I've got to know at the gym also suffers from depression and its good to talk to her about how I am feeling. Hopefully you won't be too sore tomorrow
Suzie is right, im anxious about walking in places on my own. i think everyone is looking at me but then i think, if i was sat down with people, yeah i might look at the person who walked in but my brain probs wouldnt register any information about the person (unless it was a good looking lad hehe!!)
I often walk to town from my house which is an hour away down a main road and i feel like every car that passes is looking at me!! i just put my music in and daydream, then i barely notice people. like my own little world
Yes I used to do that too, it was a good way of forgetting anxieties. Take care of the roads though won't you, as I nearly walked out in front of a car once! What we are writing about is all about confidence and a strong sense of self. Now I never have that kind of anxiety or discomfort but only because of years of therapy. I still get low, but just in different ways that make normal life much easier than it used to be. It can still be lonely and I think being alone in public can always feel difficult unless you are the kind of person who is comfortable in that situation - most of us feel we are the only one not to have friends, or a partner, as if it's a sign of something wrong with us whereas often it's simply circumstances. I used to have a lot of people who I met up with every week but because I moved a few times and didn't join things locally I don't know people here. That's not because of any change in me, because I'm less friendly or likeable, it's because my circumstances changed. We do blame ourselves for things don't we.
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