I NEED YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.

[sweetiepye]

I've been trying to cope with this son and grandson issue about the mange. I know I said I was finished posting about it but it won't go away. My three kids had a sort of intervention with me. Two in person, one on the phone. My oldest was quite harsh and said if I didn't change we wouldn't have a relationship, the other two only said I make them uncomfortable but they would like it to stop. The problem is I say things that are inappropriate , harsh, and hurtful and I call it being honest and always have an excuse for it. They were all the most upset with the way I treat their Dad. I was totally shocked, I had no idea they felt this way. No one has ever said anything to me about it. They are all over 40 and independent , they can't be afraid to talk to me. Ihave never gotten angry when they disagree with me and I didn't this time. I agreed to put a filter on my mouth and not to say what I think I did tell them now they will never know if what I'm saying is the truth or what they want to hear. When you have three people telling you the same thing you have to give it some consideration. In my heart though I don't believe what they are saying is true. They are all conservative and non- confrontable and I am not. They contend I have changed in the last few years and I agree I am more open with them as they get older. My daughter says I changed after my brother died and I know I've felt more alone and angry since he left. I feel very confused, not a feeling I like. I feel like I don't know myself but I do. Pam

[hypercat54]

Hi Pam I think your family are doing 'honest speaking' to you and it can be upsetting can't it? How you feel could be how you make them feel? Do you like the feeling?

You can still be honest with others but wait until you are asked and never ever offer an 'honest' opinion unless asked. You can couch honest opinions much more tactfully than just blurting it out hurtfully. If for example someone asks for your opinion on their outfit don't say it's horrible. You can say something like Well the colour suits you (if you think it does). Or you could say it's interesting or something. People will get how you feel without needing it spelled out for them so you can still be true to yourself. x

[sweetiepye in reply to hypercat54]

It sounds so simple doesn't it ? In my mind it's so emotional and I feel so hurt that I get all muddled up. Once again I owe you my gratitude . If this were money you would be a rich woman as it is I am rich in your advice and friendship. You are the best. Pam

[hypercat54 in reply to sweetiepye]

Aw bless you Pam. It's not easy at all so Just stop and count to 10 before you say anything.

Always remember the old maxim

'Keep your words soft and sweet, you never know which ones you might have to eat'

If you do inadvertently blurt something out then apologise immediately and say it wasn't meant like that. I am sure your family will forgive you if they know you are making an effort. Take care sweetheart. Bev xx

[Hidden in reply to sweetiepye]

Hello Pam

I used to have the same problem. In my case I always tried to keep my own Council although sometimes I felt baited and that was a red flag to a Bull.

Now I am very quiet and prefer to keep myself to self and not get involved with anything that could be taken the wrong way.

My problem is I can now go for hours and not say a thing, even to Hazel. The hurt from others has now taken its course and my health is now suffering as I am frightened to be myself, warts and all.

Personally all I can personally advise is be yourself, you are what you are and people will need to make allowances for you now.

Since the problem of the power boat, my mood has changed dramatically and Hazel is trying to sort it,, She cannot I bite my lip and now I feel I am awaiting death, just because I cannot be who I am and what I wish to do for my final years. I advise you are who you are, people can call you cantankerous it is all to do with their attitude as well they are not allowing you to be you and in my case that is as good as evil where I have to be careful what I say or do.

I have spent three weeks on and of Ferries to relieve someones feelings and concerns.

We got soaked two days ago and now I am still on holiday with a doozey of a head cold.. I have to get well, we start going home Saturday I am glad the drive is over three days, 400miles.

Pam be yourself, people cannot understand that needs to broaden their outlook to life

BOB

[brumatmed]

Hi Sweetiepye,

I am aghast, to be honest. By joining this forum group you have admitted to yourself that you need some form of Mental Health Support. By taking this as read, although you have admitted it to yourself, and this is important - hence the capitals - HAVE YOU TOLD THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY? I know from my own experience that my family have as many problems understanding my ill timed and unguarded mouth as I have understanding what their problem is - a bit like 2 armies ready to go to war but the frustration of a bottomless and endless chasm separates them both. Unfortunately the chasm also prevents peace envoys from side to side as neither army trusts or understands each other. The only way to break the deadlock of impending war is to have a leap of faith and discover that the chasm was, bizarrely, in the mind and the solution was a simple communication. Good luck Pam.

Thinking of you

BruMatMed

[sweetiepye in reply to brumatmed]

I have major depression, that is my mental health issue. My physical problems are Diabetes 2 , A Fib , SVT , hypertension asthma, Osteoarthritis. Restless legs, and Eczema . My family is aware of all . For the most part I am left on my own unless they need a favor as I am able to do less I see them less. My husband leads the charge. I am not allowed to drive any longer because I pass out and usually fall. No one knows why this happens. So I am well and truly stuck. Pam

[brumatmed in reply to sweetiepye]

Hi Pam,

The problem with depression is that it is not visible and unless prompted, often people will 'forget' or 'didn't realise it was that that bad'. Although I, and I think everyone to some level, had had depression in the passed - we can all agree that depression is not feeling blue because your team didn't win (that is called 'feeling sad'). Depression is a much darker and deeper hole to fall in. We, as I am sure you can agree, know that when you are depressed, there is little to reconcile you and sometimes the apparent sunny disposition of some people can make you feel worse. Remind your family that sometimes you may be 'defiltered' and 'say what you see' but they should understand that depression is an illness and a state of mind not an excuse so its not something to argue about but to understand and overcome like all of your physical disabilities

[sweetiepye in reply to brumatmed]

My family is quite aware of how depression may present itself. I always let them know when it comes to the fore although it is quite apparent .They don't argue it's existence as mush as they ignore it. I have been told my illness is not an excuse foe bad behavior. I think there is some anger there on their part and they look for things to be more angry about. I realize this is a slippery slope and I must play some part in this.I only know that I am the one who is hurt. pam

[brumatmed in reply to sweetiepye]

Sorry Pam, but in a situation like this, everyone loses out. The scales of justice in health aren't stacked in anyone's favour because you feel aggrieved, your family feel aggrieved and everyone who 'crosses the imaginary line' will feel aggrieved. In addition there will be people who are hit by friendly fire from both sides - the only way anyone can 'win' (because nobody can) is to agree to others point of view.

[sweetiepye in reply to brumatmed]

I am still considering my options. I know the out come lies in my hands and I am trying to decide if the price is to high. Any relationship, even Mother and Child, has to have some equality about it, a mutual respect. I suppose this sounds selfish to most people , but I'm trying to decide which is the more painful, having my kids in my life or not. While you offer very good advice, you have no idea of the extreme pain this causes me, Pam

[brumatmed in reply to sweetiepye]

Hi Pam, I think that the most painful and worst thing you can do (especially with a depression or any other illness of this type) is to isolate yourself from your family. I understand the events leading to this painful decision, however, I think you should also consider all of the fun and joy your family have given you - it would be a shame to miss out on all that just because of a spat

Good luck, Bruce