What do I do? This can't be normal..

[Theunderlyingtruth]

I'm new here so not sure if this is where I should be but I have some questions that need answers

I fear I suffer from ptsd as a result of my mother and her 'parenting' as if you could call it that. Since I was 8 years old I was the one responsible for the cooking, cleaning, caring for my siblings, making sure homework was done, we were bathed and clothes we're clean. On top of that my brother has autism (aspergers syndrome) and my sister has ongoing mental health issues. That a lone was rough. But I was never good enough for my mother. She always made me feel I wasn't good enough. My grades were 80s and 90s but they weren't 100. Dinner was made but I left a dish in the sink. We had clean clothes but I forgot to vacuum the living room.

Growing up I had headaches multiple times a week, I had asthma and pneumonia. I had surgery at 12 but no physical therapy. I was taken to doctors but never any follow ups and only if my illness interfered with my daily tasks.

When i was 16 I couldn't take it anymore. I called my father in tears. He had never seen me cry. When I told my mom I was thinking of living with my dad she made up a story of how she was raped and drugged. that she wishes she was in an accident everyday so we would all be better off. Turns out my mom is pretty convincing, my dad up and left in the middle of the night.

When high school graduation came she decided since she couldn't keep up the (6bedroom) house without me she sold the house and moved to a 2 bedroom rental. Now 2 bedrooms with 3 kids and herself leaves me with no room, my brother living in the basement. I had no where to sleep when I came home from university every weekend, holiday and summer. So a family friend offered me her basement (private bedroom,separate bathroom and no rent).

Since I left my mother has yet to speak to me. I am not allowed to see my siblings. I have missed Christmases and birthdays and holidays. I have no family now. But I had to leave, I could not do that any longer.

In a lecture a few weeks ago, someone's ringtone went off. It was the same as my mothers. My heart rate spiked, I felt dizzy and like I could throw up. I started looking around for her like she was going yell at me again.

It happens constantly. Someone says something and I get all anxious and look around. Certain smells and sounds make me panicked and I can't stop it.

I don't like the life I'm living. I don't want to be in fear. I don't want to want her. I don't how to stop his fear, this panic. I resent holidays and birthdays cause I know what it could be like to be there and celebrate with family. I don't want my future children's life to be like mine. I don't want to turn out to be like her.

I guess I just need to know I'm not a lone. That it's okay to not want to be with family. That I don't need to put up with my mother if she's not good for my mental health. And lastly, if anyone has any tips for making daily life more comfortable, they are more than welcome. Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this small part of my story, even if you don't have any resources for me.

[EnigmaticMindOfLirio]

Hi, hun. First of all, I am very GLAD that you were able to get out and away from your mother. It's the best thing you can do even if it doesn't seem like it with the way she is treating you. Like you, I also have a mother that suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She is toxic for your own mental health. I'm not a doctor, but that is just what I suspect your mother has due to what you have stated and the similarities between your life and mine. You are not alone in this, I also suffer with PTSD due to the emotional and physical abuse my mom has put me through throughout the years, but I still live with and take care of her, I'm trying to get out but it isn't an easy thing, especially when she is psychically disabled now. Any time I hear my mother's horsed voice, I tremble a bit, it's not an unusual thing. It is also completely normal to want to be with your family.

If it is possible for you, if you have health insurance, I would suggest finding a personal Therapist to vent to and listen to, always ask for homework because they will give you tips and tricks to cope and manage what all you're going through. It took me a few years but I finally found the right Therapist for myself and I hope you do, as well. If you aren't able to see a Therapist, try this site out for a while and see how you feel, make new connections with people that understand and sympathize with you. We can help each other. I'm new here too and it is a bit scary, but if there is anything I can do to help, I'm just a message away. Just remember, YOU ARE SAFE, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE STRONG, AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I hope you have a better night, hun. Peace be with you, Theunderlyingtruth.

[Hidden]

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all that. Giving you all that responsibility from such a young age is just terrible. You are understandably suffering from stress and anxiety. Its perfectly okay to distance yourself from your mum. Just because she is biologically your mum, doesn't actually mean anything when she has treated you so badly. I would seek counselling and try to move on, leaving her behind. I wish you luck and happiness.

[Sandia]

I just want to tell you that you are very brave and strong. It’s not easy to leave and let your family go. I have had to do this to some of my family that we’re making me worse and it’s so hard. It in the end you need to put yourself and your health first. I would look on YouTube for mediation relaxation videos and try to relax and breath once a day and take some quiet time just for yourself to do this. I hope this helps at least a little.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Thunderlyingtruth,

Welcome to our supportive community.

Well done for taking a brave step out of your comfort zone to reach out for help. As you have found folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences, and I support what they have said to you. You are obviously having a difficult time right now, and you absolutely made the right decision to remove yourself from the abusive situation you were living in. You don't say which country you live in, but do, as has been suggested, try and access help from your doctor and/or a mental health practitioner to start to the recovery process.

Do check out our Pinned Post section for free mental health guides, international crisis support helplines etc.

If you live in the UK:

The Samaritans Tel: 116 123 [24 hours line]

NHS: 999 [Emergencies]

NHS 111 [Non-Emergencies]

MIND UK charity: Helpline Tel: [phone] [e-mail] Text: 86463 mind.org.uk/information-sup...

SANEline Tel: [phone] [4.30pm – 10.30pm daily] sane.org.uk/

Stay safe! Take care,

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[Strongheartforever]

Dr. Laura Schlesinger has a great book called “Bad Childhood, Good Life” that may help you. Many people are in your predicament, raised by people who couldn’t parent, and who end up hurting their children terribly. This is a challenge that is awfully painful but it may just make you stronger than most. You’ve got to count on you. You’ve got to be your best friend. Really, we all do but you have learned the hard way. If you can check in now and then here, we would all like to encourage you, help you along, and be by your side. The beauty of life is other people, believe it or not. There are so many good ones. You are poised for success, you have self awareness, you’re already ahead of the pack. Focus on good things and what makes you happy and make a practice of self-compassion. Hope you stay in touch.