Hi... Sorry I'm embarrassed by reaching out into cyberspace, but I'm SO SAD😰 Cancer can kill more then the patient.

[Greeneyes59]

Hello. Well, Hummm .... I'm not sure why I'm really on here, well yes I do. I mean depression is nothing new to most people in today's world.

I'm 59 years old and for the second time in my life I am AGAIN a widow. I'm REALLY slipping down and panic attacks are now all I seem to have. I cannot stand this constant banging in my head that reminds me that my husband is gone. I HATE this whole damn thing. Cancer is so consuming and the nightmares haunt me.

I miss my husband so much and the fact that he died right here in my dining room in this terrible apt is so overwhelming. We were in the process of relocating and I'm lost .... Do I go.... how do I move without him? I hate it here, but now feel SO CONNECTED to this space because WE were together here. I feel like I can't breath.....

[Hidden]

Hello Greeneyes

Personally you need to come to terms with the deaths of two husbands, you need to talk out the problems either with someone who knew these two men. Sometimes family members are a good choice especially because they knew your Husband :s:. If this is not possible I would advise you talk with your GP about getting some CBT to talk out what has been going on. I do not think this problem will be a constant concern although like most people, we file away a death when we become used to the Grief. You will move on.

However you need help to talk out the situations you have found yourself in.

Generally life choices will change at the loss of a Partner and as we grief and recover we change our outlook in life and decide what we wish to do. You are starting this now. You mention moving, on out, of this flat were you live to another address. Initially I would suggest you allow time before a move, this will prevent gut reactions, especially if the deaths are still raw and time has not really passed. I do not know how long ago your husbands died.

Consider what changes you wish to take as you get yourself more straight in your own mind

I did make changes for different reasons and the changes given time were very liberating.

If you eventually make changes, make them for those right reasons, Not a gut reaction.

[AppsFun]

There is a lot going on here in your life and a lot of questions and feelings that you say you can’t breathe. Small steps, one thing at a time and take time to repair yourself and make space and time to breathe. It may be a gut reaction to move but it might be nice to follow your plans. These plans can work with time and thought. Maybe not on your own but with the help from a friend. If friends can’t help it is possible to do things on your own. It’s just a strange feeling to doing this when you are so used to the that comfy blanket feeling your husband would have gave you. You can get that comfy blanket feeling in other ways with support and help. I wish you well in getting the support you need right now. Start with your GP. Best wishes.

[Stilltrying_]

Hello. I am so sorry to hear of your loss

It is not surprising that you feel how you do. These are terrible circumstances to go through ; from your profile I see that your first husband was murdered and you were left alone with six children. I can only start to imagine the hell you have been through with this and other stuff and now this shocking and truly horrible new circumstance. I really hardly know what to say.

Just be as nice to yourself as you can. Don't make any rash decisions at the moment as you are still in a state of great shock and grief.

Life can be very cruel at times i know. Just gather what resources you can and just try and survive as best you can for now. You have a large family. Are they available to support you at this time?

Also we are always here. x

[Greeneyes59 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Hello. Thank you so very much for the note. It has been horrible to say the least. I do agree, and I am TRYING do hard to be kind to myself. I admit it is not as easy as it might seem. So many of us that lose our loved ones are haunted by all those "I should have" "I WOULD HAVE" well the list goes on and on.

I've put off moving but only for a few months. I know it was always our plan and eventually I will need to move but I am very a wear that I am in emotional trouble. I am seeing my G.P. tomorrow. I already know he wants me back on antidepressants.... and I may just give in and try it again.

Well..... I can ramble on for hours... So I will cut this off, I'm sure you are dealing too with many things of your own.

I do wish I had a friend. My children are not able to help me with much of this., they too have either FULL demanding circumstances or a few really could care less.

God bless you and all those who take the time to reach out to people like myself who really are alone and struggling.