Hi everyone. I've been struggling on and off with severe depression and suicidal thoughts for the last two years, but in the last few months I have felt even worse and have made several plans to kill myself. For better or for worse, each attempt has been thwarted, and after a long process of going through never-ending different channels and waiting lists (that's the NHS for you) I have finally managed to find an explanation for a lot of my recent thoughts and behaviours: borderline personality disorder.
A few months ago (March I think) I really started to feel down and unwanted. I felt like I was doubting who I was and whether I was heading in the right direction in life. I also started to feel as though my friends didn't really want to be my friends but were merely doing so out of charity or politeness, and every one of my closest relationships suddenly felt very fragile. I felt as though any minor disagreement or wrong word said would stop people wanting to be friends with me. Over the next few months this feeling got worse, but I also found myself getting overly upset at the slightest things. I started hating myself even more than usual when I saw my friends on Instagram having the time of their lives and having significant others to share their lives with, while I was sat at home alone doing nothing. This was exacerbated by the fact that I have a crush on my best friend (who is in a relationship and whose boyfriend I am/was good friends with) and anything I saw her doing without me felt really personal against me. Like I would see her doing something with her boyfriend and think to myself "if she's my friend, why won't she do those things with me?". I know, that's a very unhealthy way of thinking, and I realise that now, but in the depths of my depression I couldn't see that what I was thinking and doing was unnatural. I also started getting upset when people wouldn't answer my messages and leave my messages unread when it was obvious they were talking to somebody else. It made me irrationally insecure and feel worthless. I got in a big fight with my best friend about this very thing, among other very small things (like her not wanting me to meet her mum), because in my mind it seemed like a huge deal. I threatened to stop being her friend, which is very contradictive really because all I want to do is become closer to her. Then a week later I was in a clearer state of mind and realised what I said and did was unwarranted and hurtful, and I apologised. But the thing is I keep repeating this cycle. I get annoyed and paranoid, bring my relationships to the brink of destruction by arguing unnecessarily and threatening to give up on my friends, and then suddenly I'm fine again and feel remorseful, guilty and incredibly low. This has really tested my relationships. My best friend has been surprisingly understanding about it and forgiven me several times but has been outright about how hurt she's been. Things spiraled about a month ago when I had serious plans to kill myself and left clues for my friends. Typing this it seems so narcissistic and begging for attention but I really did feel desperately low enough to go through with it and had a plan in place, and needed help that I didn't know how to get. I've gone through this process a few times as well, telling my friends I'm going to kill myself and then they get upset and anxious and try to stop me. They must think I'm crazy at this point, and honestly at times I think they're correct. After talking with a psychiatrist, they have identified that I have an incredibly low self esteem and that I have BPD. This diagnosis felt like a huge relief because it finally explained and gave a reason for how I felt and how I was acting. But now my closest friends are ignoring me. At first they said they just needed me to give them some time and space, after the whole suicide business and the hurt I caused them with my arguments, but now they are outright ignoring all contact from me. I have been prescribed clomipramine (25 mg) for anxiety (since SSRIs and SNRIs were ineffective and gave unpleasant side effects) and quetiapine (75 mg) for more relief from anxiety and to help me regulate my emotions. I've found that the quetiapine has definitely helped me keep my emotions in check, and I have had far fewer instances of suicidal thinking. However, I do still have the occasional moment (a few times a day, as opposed to non-stop) where my negative emotions start to rule me and I feel worthless and unwanted, and feel the need to check whether my friends are still my friends after everything I've done. This must cause them a lot of aggro and disrupt their healing processes that I've been trying to cultivate by giving them the time and space they've asked for, but I can't help myself. I literally can't stop myself when I'm in that frame of mind. I gave my friends a booklet on BPD produced by the UK mental health charity Mind, which was given to me by the psychiatrist. I hoped that it would explain that a lot of my words and actions were not characteristic of me but were symptomatic of my condition. They seemed to understand at first (this was two weeks ago), but after leaving them alone with no contact for the last two weeks (as per their request) they are now not returning any of my messages. I feel alone, and I have ruined every relationship I treasured in my life.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this, but I'm hoping that somebody out there will be able to help me make sense of myself at the moment, at least a little bit, and perhaps reassure me and give their opinions on what I can do from here.
Thanks very much for listening.