Broken Family

[MyMania]

Broken Family

There is a time to be a nice person, and there is a time to say enough is enough. Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it is a place where we find the deepest heartache.

When you inherit a broken family. You can’t throw it away and get a new one. What you can do is find people and situations that provide for you what your family cannot. Refuse to inherit dysfunction. Learn new ways of living instead of repeating what you lived through.

It is not healthy to stay with people that don’t even bother to ask how you are? I hate knowing that I care more about other people than other people will ever care about me. Family is supposed to be there for you no matter what comes your way. Shame on the one who are not, that is not what family is about.

If they want you in there life, they will put you there. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. If you don’t like who I am or what I am doing with my life that is alright, I am not living for you; I am living for myself.

Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because there needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They are not inherently bad people, but they are not the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Remove yourself from a situation that feels painful. You have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.

Some people are truly great manipulators. They can lie, cheat, treat you badly and some how manage to make it all seem like it is you fault. Don’t fall for it that is just what they do. Genes, I have learned do not make a family.

[Krazie]

Bad genes.....

It just goes right on down the line.......generation after generation. Until someone, one day, has found the strength and the courage to stand up and say, 'no more'. That is the person who will learn a new way to live life. A life that gives and does not take away. A life that forgives and feels sorrow for those who cannot move past their ...genes.

That person could be you!!

[6ixtyon1]

I agree...sometimes, I start to wonder if people come "pre-programmed" to behave as a past relative who also had the same issues. I used to never believe in the "bad seed' theory, but as science swings this way and that, some days you just can't' help but wonder.

I remember what my late dad told me, once: there is only one driver in your life, and that is you--you cannot allow someone else to take over the wheel, even if they do a better job than you can! It is your own responsibility to live your own life, regardless of others...

[clovislorry]

MyMania, you put it so well. I fully understand and agree with all you said. I tried so hard all through my childhood, early adulthood and into middle age, to support, fit in and be loved back by my family, but nothing ever worked. Instead I lived in constant noise and conflict, I was abused, made a scapegoat and for some reason mocked or attacked for trying to improve my life through study, wanting a career and encouraging my own children to do the same for themselves. I was accused of having ideas above my station, being a traitor, rejecting their own standards and being a horrible person - even though I was always the family peacemaker, the one who tried to bring reason, and was always the one who offered practical and emotional support while others turned their backs, laid blame or were just happy to let somebody else pick up pieces so they didn't have to.

Then in my 50s I decided to walk away and moved 600 miles so I wouldn't have to watch and despise any more the dysfunctional rabble I had inherited. It was the best decision I ever made. My life is now calm, quiet and relatively untroubled. I still have an inner sadness that I know will never totally leave me, but at least now I can deal with it on my own terms, without having to constantly justify, explain, or worse, apologise.

15 years on, I still get messages from family members asking why I've cut myself off, and although I know they might have some genuine wish to have me back in their lives, I also know seeing them again would have a negative effect on me, so I have to steel myself to ignore their approaches. None of them really understand, with the exception of one brother, who feels the same way as me but never had the courage or the means to walk away from it all. We have a long talk on the phone once a year or so, and that is nice, and comforting in its way.

I just wish I'd left when I was young, when there was still time for my heart and mind to heal properly. I feel I wasted so many years of my life worried about the needs of others and the supposed loyalty you were supposed to show to "family". The only family I need now is my husband and my 2 daughters.

I echo others' comments. If you have tried but failed, don't let your blood family drag you down for ever. Make your own way in the world with your head held high and become the strong person you have the potential to be.

[Krazie in reply to clovislorry]

It is a sad day when one decides to cut off their birth family. It is also a day of purpose, renewed energy, and excitement in moving toward a path of self discovery. Those we left behind will never understand; will forever be bogged down by their own dysfunction. That is the reason one must move on, leave behind, and find new ways, better ways of living life.

I moved over a thousand miles from my family, many years ago. I was able to build a new, better life that probably would not have been possible had I stayed in the dysfunction. The scars I have kept. There are times of deep depression, still. There are times when I remember my birth family - those who both gave me life, and took it away. I always feel sad that I had to leave to become a better person. Sad that the people that I first loved in life cannot be a part of who I am today.

[clovislorry in reply to Krazie]

Bless you, you know I understand, just as I know you do. xxx

[Hidden in reply to Krazie]

I feel the same. I'm about to make that move and leave my family..I just realised now at 43 ..I know I'll be scarred for life..your right , it'll be sad that they can't be part of who you are today..to be honest I'm scared to make the move..only scared cause they took all my confidence and esteem etc..but I know the better me will come out after been beaten down all my life..

[Mine197]

Thank you for post, your words resonate deeply with me. This mainly comes from the difficulties and trials of trying to extricate emotionally myself from toxic words and twisted logic in such a family. After only just realising these years of this subtle emotional manipulation, I can’t say I love my mother any less, because she is all I have. But you are absolutely right, we need to learn to live for ourselves in order to begin to create a safe space in the future we want.