Broken and not beautiful

[Ayir]

How is it that there's still something left inside you?

Dear friend

Dear you

Dear me,he,she,her,they

Stop.

Breathe.

Everyone will try to box you in according to their limited knowledge of normalcy while the truth is it doesn't even exist.

I've forgotten what being normal actually feels like.

Its okay to be sad at times

Its okay to have mood swings

Its okay to be empty at times.

Stop

Just stop.

Stop lying to me.

Its okay for you because you don't understand the intensity,because you wouldn't think about it when you go back to your place,your sleep wouldn't disrupt because of it.

So stop reassuring me and my pain by saying its okay when clearly it isn't.

It never was.

I've learned to hide underneath this mask.

I've learned to smile in-front of people like you who at first wants to know what you're going through to look like someone who cares then straightaway jump into conclusion that it's okay. Dude ,how come it is when I see my time fading away.

When this hatred for self grows exponentially every single day. When I see my face in the mirror and see an empty face,a broken soul. Don't tell me broken is beautiful. Broken is as dangerous as a sharp knife,as painful as a needle. The more we romanticize the idea of brokenness,the harder it gets to make people understand the gravity of the situation.

The point here is not that we hide it, the point is why we do it.

The reason is people wants to fix it,

solve it like an algebraic equation.

I don't want to be at the receiving end all the time.

I'm tired.

So I shut myself up.

But this time

with a LESSON.

[Hidden]

Hello, Welcome

How can we help

BOB

[Ayir in reply to Hidden]

Hello

Thankyou for asking me

Well that's an interesting question but sorry I don't know what to tell you

[Bonkersy]

Do you want to talk or just know that we are here to listen If you do want to at a n other point?

[Ayir in reply to Bonkersy]

I don't have any problem to talk about it here but what's the point . I mean I know now that I will feel shit even if nothing happens. I will complete trash when my brain tells me to. I will have bad days for no reason. So now I am so tired of talking about it because it doesn't even help anymore

[Mary-intussuception]

Why not beautiful ?

[Ayir in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Actually I was referring to that line which people often use that is broken but beautiful. So I just wanted to write contrast to that because you find it hard to see yourself beautiful while going through such stuff

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Ayir]

Yes. It can be so hard. I think that's why it may help sometimes if we remind each other that we are precious and beautiful.

[Ayir in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Definitely

So on a good note how about I remind you how beautiful you are

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Ayir]

X

[Clockwor]

Hi Ayir,

Reading what you put there really brings back a lot of awful memories of things I went though and had to deal with.

If I could go back and talk to myself then, I would tell myself:

1) broken only becomes weaponized if I let it. Because I have that control and I decide what I do with it.

2) people who care tell you "its ok" and "it's ok to feel this way" because it apart of accepting what your going through, for you then to be able to deal with it. You don't simply "fix it". No your not a math question with only 1 right answer.

You learn what works and what dosent. And then you tailor it to fit you better. Its frustrating and sometimes you wonder whats the point. But you keep going with the hope that one day you have 1 normal day. 1 day where you feel ok. And then it grows and 1 day becomes a week...then a month.

3) It comforted me to know that I wasn't the only one wearing a mask. Hiding my true thoughts and feeling with a fake smile and the ever famous "I'm fine" because it was easier that letting loose the anger and toxic feeling I was actually going through. There are a lot of others dealing with their own wars and wearing their own battle scares. Some can be seen while others cant.

And finally

4) Telling myself "no one else understands" and "no one else knows how I feel" is how we push people away and cut ourselves off from help. We need each other to learn how to cope and ease our mental health to then start to heal. It's by accepting others help and trusting them to see my demons was I able to get the help I needed and to finally understand my own mind and work with it to get better at coping.

You right. There is nothing pretty or nice about it. It's not a simple puzzle.

But its not a weapon unless you let it become one either.

I hope this helps.

[Ayir in reply to Clockwor]

Thankyou so much dear for taking out your time and I'm so sorry for responding so late.

Yes you're definitely right that the control (lol my hand went to typing corona first 😂 ). Right now I would say that sometimes I lose that control and then it gets tough.