Im a military personnel from singapore. My life was fine until I was conscripted into the military and thats where I got my depression and anxiety. I’ll try to cut my story short without skipping important details as it’s pretty long due to multiple incidents.
Few months ago I was posted to this particular unit, we will call it as FC here (as i dont want to name and shame any particular person or place). The environment here was tough, not to mention the superiors were ridiculously harsher than other units I been to. First came the anxiety and I was constantly worrying and fretting about performing well here so as not to be punished. The anxiety was bad to the point where I couldnt focus on anything, my work, my surroundings, people talking to me, or even simple things like remembering where I had placed my phone just less than a minute ago due to the fear and anxiousness.
I didnt know what to do and was constantly yelled at and punished because no one knew about what I was going through. I didnt have the courage to tell the superiors as they were very fierce people, furthermore I didnt like telling others I have this problem. However being in FC was the limit and I eventually raised it to my officer one day. He arranged for me to see the military doctor and I went in there feeling slightly relieved knowing I can finally let it out of me, all the pain I went through everyday. The doctor talked to me a little to understand the situation and he fix an appointment with the counsellor. He also offered me quite a long term MC (sick leave slip) so I could take a time out, however I declined it as I wanted to give it a try as it could be adjustment issues. It was a tough decision as the MC was so tempting but I know I shouldnt run from the problem and wanted to face it squarely.
So I returned to training and one day I couldnt take it anymore and told my officer and he brought me back to the military doctor to fix an appointment with the army’s psychiatrist so I could address my issue sooner. Again, the procedure was repeated. My officer told me that if I couldnt handle any part of the training I could speak to him and he would allow me to sit out temporarily.
One day I was summoned to the CO’s office (CO is sort of like the highest rank commander in charge of the entire unit, sort of like the principal of a school equivalent) and he was furious and yelled at me and threatened to charge me for malingering as the visits to the doctor showed no diagnosis (because I went there to arrange for appointment as part of the protocol, hence there was no medication prescribed). I tried explaining to him but he wouldnt listen and it ended very badly. I was shaken up and from then on, I did not dare to return back to the doctors. I tried sitting out as my officer suggested too but was denied this by a superior.
Not knowing what to do, as I couldnt go to the doctors for help or my officer for help, I felt so helpless and my condition worsened a lot. My anxiety from here was really bad. I started having panic attacks just from interacting with any superior in the unit.
The day came when I went to see the psychiatrist. I poured out everything to her hoping she could help me. They had to evaluate my situation together with the manpower board and I was later denied a transfer out as to them, I wasn’t trying. This got me REALLY MAD as firstly, I denied that sick leave even though I wanted it so much because I wanted to TRY to adapt to the environment. And I participated 100% in every single activity. How could they accuse me of not trying? Do they not realise how much effort it took me to just report to work everyday despite feeling so frightened?
Skip to present day, I have been diagnosed with anxiety with depression.. I eventually got a transfer to another unit, MS. MS was stressful but much better than FC. Pretty much anywhere was better than FC tbh, as the tension in FC was just crazy.. At MS my competency test was initially very poor and i was at the bottom of my cohort as the depression I believe was affecting my learning. I didnt have mood to do things I used to enjoy, or even anything at all. so learning something I wasnt interested in was even harder. However I knew I had to pull up my socks as failing could mean getting sent back to FC. Furthermore, I wanted to secure a vocation I liked so I could be eligible for more units and get to transition to a better place for the rest of my 2 years of military life and yknow make things better.
So I worked hard and eventually from the bottom of the cohort, I emerged the top of the cohort. I was so pleased as I thought now at least there was a light at the end of the tunnel. There was hope. However I didnt get the vocation I liked and was sent to another harsh sub-unit of MS.
So thats my story.. Sometimes I really wonder why I give my best to everything when life isnt fair. Why do I deserve this? My family raise me teaching me to always give my best, you will be rewarded. You reap what you sow. But why is this happening to me? Honestly, Im so tired of all these unfairness. I dont wanna be a good person anymore, being a bad guy is so much easier. Isnt it?
A letter to my brother
So tired of fighting
was advised to talk, here's instalment 1
Tired so very tired
I Can't Be Myself Around Other People... Not Because I Can't, But Because I Refuse. Help?
