Feeling so ashamed....

[ladylizard]

I am 38 yrs old, married with 2 grown up children. I have worked all of my adult life and always had a part time job from aged 13 upwards. I lost my job back in December but felt sure that i would find something else quite quickly, i was also attending university. My husband then lost his job in January which made our financial situation become a lot worse. I left my university place because we could no longer afford for me to travel to and from uni but i felt better knowing that the stress of not having to worry about uni work would help. I had only started uni in September but had already felt that i had taken on more than i could handle, but was to ashamed to admit this to anyone in my family who kept telling me how proud they where of me. I used the excuse that we couldn't afford the travel expenses because it just seemed the easier option at the time. My husband soon found some work but we had already begun to feel pressures with our finances and struggling had become part of our daily life.I had also begun to feel unwell, agitated, tired and emotionally drained through lack of sleep. My days began feeling tired and ending tired and still not being able to sleep.....

My doctor diagnosed anxiety and gave me betablockers to control the palpitations, which i took for two days and then stopped since they made me feel worse. He then gave me sleeping tablets to help me sleep but i was to scared to take them as i,d been experiencing a fear of not waking from sleep, he then gave me antihistamines to try and help with the sleep issue which does occasionally help but doesnt solve the issue of how im feeling. I am to ashamed to tell my family or my husband how i,m feeling or my doctor.... i feel that i should be able to control this without anyone help. I can also constantly hear my heart beating in my left ear which is driving me nuts!!!!! anxiety apparently....

I hate the feeling of not being in control of my life, this is now beginning to affect my relationship with my husband and my children. My husband rarely talks about stuff and i have no interest in our sex life but have fears of him leaving me all the time, Both of my children have moved out which i feel is because of me. I have also gone through bouts of drinking alcohol to excess...

I just constantly feel so ashamed of myself and what i,ve become.....

[Suzie40]

Oh my goodness, what a pickle! I'm so sorry that you're feeling all these things. I really admire you for going to uni; I'm toying with the idea of retraining myself, but not sure if I could manage financially. What was your course? Is there an option to return at all? You've got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Has anyone else in your family had the courage to do something similar? I doubt it.

It sounds like you've been batted around a bit by your doctor and given a whole cocktail of different drugs. Starting any new mediation can take its toll both physically and emotionally, and you've had at least three to contend with!

The feeling of needing to have control is massive. I struggle with the idea that it's tablets that make me feel better and I'm not capable of doing it without them. But then I check in at Reality Station and remind myself that I wouldn't try and battle a heart condition or a broken leg without medication, so why should depression be any different?

I doubt you made your children move out. I had a great Mum but I couldn't wait to bugger off!

Honestly now, you really shouldn't feel ashamed of how you feel. You've done nothing wrong. It sounds to me like you're a great person who's had a run of bad luck. If things are not looking up, go and have a chat with your GP. There are lots of options to explore.

As for your hubby - tell him to buy a magazine

Much love x

[hamble99b]

oh lady lizard please don't ever be ashamed for having anxiety and depression,

you are not to blame, it is a recognised condition that affects many, many people - including Winston Churchill !

it is a chemical imbalance, a lack of seratonin that can be adjusted with medication - just as a diabetic is with insulin.

this imbalance plus stress and life experiences mean we need to access drug and talking therapies,

when we fight to try and stay strong alone, we exhaust all our energies in just trying to get through each day, until we just can't do it anymore.

this is not weakness, it's our mind and bodies pushed to our limits.

it is hard to accept we need help, but we do - if you broke your leg you would allow them to set it in a cast and let it rest and heal, accepting help for anxiety and depression is for the same reasons.

a broken leg is easier to see, understand and sympathise with, this is why people don't understand mental health problems and some are just unable to accept how it affects us.

please consider going to see our gp. you can also ring groups like MIND Saneline or the Samaratans and talk in confidence about how you feel . and come on here sare and ask question as much as you need to.

You have taken a huge step coming on here and sharing. I am so proud of you for doing that - I can't quite do it yet.

You are not alone and never will be again.

here people understand and care.

we're all on at different times, days, but someone will try and get back to you.

we might not have the answers, but we are here for you.

hug (( ))

sandra.

[Hidden]

Hi

You've had a run of really bad luck with both you and your husband losing your jobs around the same time and money worries put such a lot of stress on individuals and on relationships. It's no wonder you're off sex!

Firstly, are you able to talk with your husband about the practical issues like finances so they are shared? The practical things matter most as they bring more problems if they're not sorted out.

Then I agree with other replies, can you contact the Uni and go back next year? You say you thought you'd taken on too much but that's a common feeling during the first term, especially for mature students. I went to Uni for the first time as a mature student of your age and remember feeling exactly the same but went on to do post-grad studies afterwards. Perhaps you can do the course next year, part-time if you think full-time is too much? Or maybe you want to re-think what you do want to do. Sorting that aspect of life out will take pressure off you and enable you to relate more comfortably to your husband and might bring back your sex drive. You are too young to let the opportunity go, you will probably regret not finishing a degree for the rest of your life. I found it a life transforming experience although it does put stress upon a marriage. Is your marriage strong or if not do you need help from a marital counsellor?

It sounds like your GP dishes out a variety of meds at the drop of a hat but doesn't listen or value the need to be listened to - has he suggested referring you to someone to talk things through with?

You say you blame your children for leaving, but what makes you think they left because of you - is that just guilt talking or are there real reasons for thinking that?

Do stay off the alcohol or at least limit your intake to a sensible amount - only keep in the house what you feel it's reasonable and safe to drink if necessary.

Suexxx

[coatpin]

You need to be honest and talk with your gp, try nightayl. something herbal. more natural. Maybe your depressed??? what do you think?? you will do uni, when you feel its the right time to do it. For next time, maybe you could apply for funding.

Everything happens for a reason, maybe talking to someone outside the family might help, and get your thoughts feelings out there. Counselling may help its confidential.

take care.

[Diminished]

Hi,

Please don't feel ashamed, I know that feeling and it leaves you feeling empty & alone...but trust me you are not alone!!...I understand when you feel you've been in control for so long how soul destroying it feels to suddenly have no control at all....

Try not to bottle it up...go back to your GP explain your feelings, i know how hard that first step can be but you need to talk ....use this site to help you as everyone here understands and they don't judge!!!!..

X x

[ladylizard]

Thank u for all the comments

any advice would help at the moment. And yes i do feel lost and totally alone. I remember my nan being this way and eventually she never left the house..... that went on for over 30 yrs....I do not want to become that person, i know im stronger than this but feel like i cant talk to my family because they just wouldnt understand and my husband has never been much of a talker. I feel like a failure with my marriage and ive only been married for 13 months!!!!

I have been offered counselling and will attend the meeting that's been arranged for me. But feel like an idiot when i speak to the doctor. I refused diazapam on my last visit because i,m afraid of taking them..... writing all this down has brought me to the realization that i do have issues that i,m not going to be able to deal with on my own and that i do need help.

One or two of you mentioned about Uni and funding, well that was one of my biggest issues since i was messed around by student finance so badly that we suffered financially because of it. I was studying to become a social worker.....its a bit of a joke really considering i,m in the position i'm in now......

[Photogeek]

Hi sorry to hear of all your setbacks, there are a few issues here. First you need to sort out your health, and I think you should go back to GP and tell him everything, they wont think your stupid, that is their job. If you trust them you must try and stick to what they suggest, and cut out the drinking its much worse than any tablets, and you can get hooked on it quickly. When your feeling better your sex life will right itself, its hard to feel sexual when you are worrying about Uni, money and feeling inadequate.

Could you try and talk things over with your husband, as communication is vital for a good relationship, you say hes not one to talk, but maybe he is a good listener and could help you, but if he has no idea what your feeling, its hard.

Children leave home anyway, I too loved my Mum but couldnt wait to go to Uni at eighteen, I thought out that door I would never get. You are thinking negatively about everything because your feeling bad. Once you get yourself sorted you will be able to plan to go back to college and for this to work financially, I think you really need to talk to your husband, maybe have a bit saved up as a safety net, to enable it to go smoothly.

You are not alone, and well done for being so honest, keep checking in here, as its a great site. Take care of yourself, and things will get better too.

Hannah