Torn.

[Clockwor]

Hello everyone. I need some advice if anyone can help me. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he's been living with me for a year. He's struggled with his part time job and has tried very hard to get a full time job. He gets frustrated and an sometimes he takes that out on my. Not agressivly or physically. He won't talk to me sometimes and just has s bad attitude about him sometimes. I know it's not me he's upset with and when I was struggling I was the same. And he helped me get through it. My parents hate his attitude and after a recent fight where he called me a "thick bitch" via text they have washed there hands of him. They are encouraging me to dump him. I got home that night ready. Ready to tell him I've had enough and he needed to leave. I didn't want to but I know it's the best for me as my parents say. He walked in and he cried so hard. Apologised and groveled. He didn't cry when his grandad died and they were close. He didn't cry when his beloved pet died. But here he was crumbled at my feet crying. He said he's been feeling like a failure because he can't provide for me. That I could do so much better because he's struggled so much to get a better job. That he didn't mean to take it out on me he's just didn't know how to deal with the situation. I couldn't do it. I couldn't throw him out. My head is spinning. I don't know what to do. I love him but my family will not forget or forgive this. I just don't know. It we cried in eachothers arm for hours. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready for it yo be over and I'm not strong enough to deal with the pain of him leaving. He's been there for me through all my bad situations and supported me. He's my chill pill when i need slow down. No he's not perfect but how can I face my family knowing that my dad wants to punch him for his nasty works he said in anger?

I don't know how to handle these emotions of anger and sadness. How can I fix this?

Any advice would help.

Thank you everyone. Xxx

[fauxartist]

Your parents have no say so....this is your business....do they pay your rent or something....otherwise I don't know why you would be so concerned about what they say. If you love him and he makes you happy....then tell them that you two have worked it out and he has apologized to you, and you have decided to stay with him...you’re an adult. Also...are you working to contribute to the expenses in the home....maybe take some of the financial burden off your partner and let him know you both will equally contribute and share the financial costs. It's not fair and pretty archaic for a guy to think he has to be 'The Provider'....it's a huge burden on guys and should no longer be that way in any relationship.

[Clockwor in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you.

No I'm the bread winner of the house and my partner can only contribute small amounts here and there. I'm not saying I want him to pay for everything but I need a partner I can relay on to take the burden off me a little. Were both 24 years old. Ive worked full time since i was 16. Hes only ever worked part time. Just because of the job he fell into. Retail. He's expressed that he wants to leave and find something else but every opportunity I've offered help or my friend has suggested very good ideas like job work shops or other fulltime work opotunities but he turns his nose up at it.

I guess there approval matters to me so much because their my parents. Of course I want them to like my boyfriend. But no relationship is perfect and maybe their approval isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Perhaps I need more confidence in my decision and myself.

Thank you for your response. I really do appreciate it.

[20Voices]

No one can make you do anything you don't want to. It is tough for your family to watch you being hurt and they just want to it.

There are things that both you can do to help each other if you both really want to be together, but it is going to take hard work from both of you. I am talking from my own experience of the car crash that was the end of my marriage.

Anyway I will not bore you with my history because it is history now.

You need to sit down with him when you can get a moment to relax. Then you want to talk about how to get through this time. Things I would be thinking about are "Will counselling help? And I am talking about individual as well as couple counselling"

His work situation will be stressing him out and yes that is stressful. For example I am struggling to get any work right now. I am stressed because of my debts and money issues and I have just had to pay the last of my savings out to my ex so that I still have somewhere to stay. (Fyi, he had an affair but has cleaned me out of my savings. Sigh!) Anyway, why not get your boyfriend to checkout what help is available locally for helping with job searches, CV creation, retraining, etc. You could also to a collage of your dreams. Rather than writing out your goals for the future put together a collage of pictures, or quotes or even do your own drawings. Things like a picture of your dream house, pictures of a dog if you want a dog in your future, pictures of holidays, meals whatever represents your aspirations of the future. You should do this together and make sure it is a "together project. Relationships are about working as a team mostly.

This other suggestions might sound odd but it will help. Sleep therapy: this is where you create a clutter free, electronic free bedroom. Make sure it is painted in soothing colours (when you can afford to paint it) Get rid of the TV, any computers and ban mobile phones from there as well. When I did my sleep therapy I read a phrase "The bedroom.is for 2 this. One is sleeping and the others is ..... well you know" Set a time each evening where you turn off all electronic s including the TV about an hour or 2 before you plan to sleep. Have a nice drink of smoothing soothing (not alcohol or anything caffeinated or with too much sugar) glass of water, herbal tea, warm milk, etc. Just chill listen to do.e soothing music, read a book but make it smoothing soothing no point reading about a major drama or fight scene before you go to bed.

If you have things you haven't done, make a list for the next day. That way you can tell your mind that it can chill because you will get to that task and have written it down to remind you.

Try to greet 8 hours sleep as well. There is so much more in a sleep routine about what to do the relax, what to do if you wake up in the middle of the night.

But from my experience it is worth it.

You both can work this out, but honesty is the key with working together. Some guys still find it hard not to be the main earner and to be in frustrating jobs. You need to also remember to take care of yourself and that you stay healthy. So make sure you get help even if your boyfriend won't. (And that help.is for you and no feeling selfish about getting help if you do and you feel the better for it.)

I could say so much more, but will leave my response there.

Talk openly and honestly to each other.

Get counselling couples and individually

Draw up a collage of your dream future.

Get him to sort out getting advise on career and CV.

Sort out your sleep. Do a healthy sleeping plan and routine.

Take care.

20Voices xxxx

[Clockwor in reply to 20Voices]

Thank you very much 20Voices.

You don't bore me at all. Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I went through all this song and dance with my ex. He ended up costing me 1k roughly in money I lent him and such. It wiped out my savings too though in sure you lost much more than that. During put crying sesion I told him he would have to sort himself out.

I pray to God he's listened and actually changes. I pray i didn't make the wrong choice I will feel like such a fool if not. There's a small part of me that says "why bother. Your better off alone anyway" then I remember that 1. He's only human. And 2. He was there why I needed him. When I needed a rock he was there. He helped ground me and helped me keep my head. I don't think I'd be here if I didn't have him. Of course I never told my parents how I was feeling so they don't really know about that bit. I didn't have the heart to tell them. I'm sure my mum already thinks I'm a bit nuts and not in a good way.

Yes it will take a lot of work to try and make this right although I don't thinking will ever be right with my parents.

Thank you for your advice. It's deffinatly worth a try.

Xx

[20Voices in reply to Clockwor]

I wouldn't be here today without the support of my parents. My breakdown happened, well came to a head when I was 46 and bless them.my parents were there for me, not because they had to be but because they wanted to be. Mum got so angry at my ex because she tried to support him as well as me and although he was quick enough to tell what stupid things I had done he never accepted her advise on how he should be supporting me. Dad has never understood anxiety and depression, but admits it is because he can't see it. He is of the school of thought that says "Give yourself a shake, forget it and move on. Mum has even gone to a Stress Control workshop with me. She went for the full 6 weeks even although I kept telling her that if she was bored or not wanting to be there then that was okay. She actually found she got some helpful info about her own sleep problems.

Now 3 years on I owe my parents money that they helped me get a car with because I sold mine to pay bills, and money to pay the lawyers. She even went to my lawyer meetings and my divorce court days too. She picked me up when I collapsed at the court one day when things were really bad.

So I get your parents wanting to protect you. They will be there for you in the future whatever you decide, even if they merge into the background for a while till you decide what you want to do.

Whatever you decide, remember you are not alone and let us know how you get on. Even ask more questions. This forum has a vast range of knowledge and experience and life skills in all its members.

Take care.

Xxx

[sweetiepye]

Hello Clock, Our lives are a series of the choices we make. Sometimes we make those choices thinking about what we want rather than what is. Your boyfriend is always going to be the weaker personality, and you will be the strong one. By 24 people are already the essence of what they will be in later life . Your parents probably recognize this and are worried about you. So your choice is how do you want to live your life. Do you want a man to be a partner to , or a guy who hasn't quite grown up yet and will always be somewhat of a burden. You deserve more in life. Also I want to add that you could lose your family over this and that would be horrible for all of you. I would say that your parents are the ones that have your back Pam

[Clockwor]

Thank you Pam.

I have spoken to my boyfriend about my mixed feelings and the damage done. While he wants to stay and be with me he has told me I need to decide what I want and that it will eat at me untill I do.

And he's right. It's eating me and making me miserable.

I know what I have to do, but just the thought of it is so painful.

We've been together 2 years last week.

I can't stop crying just typing this.

When he comes home from work I'll have to tell him.

Thank you.