I'm New Here.

I am here for you!

[hypercat54]

That's very kind of you!

[Hidden]

Diviny

Hello

We are all here for each other. How can we help ?

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I'm just feeling a little blue, Lost my dad to cancer and did not get to see him to say goodbye. I'm dealing with a lot, but this has got to be the #1 thing I just cannot seem to shake. Sometimes, I just want to go be with him as he was my best friend for almost my whole life. This August will make 3 years since he died and I still cry a lot. I still am in complete shock. I have not moved through the grieving process normally and have been diagnosed with "complicated grief." We (my dad and I) had not talked in years, due to him still keeping in contact with my horrible, abusive and absent mother, with whom he had divorced 10 years ago....I had decided that I'd had enough abuse. (I was beat and starved and emotionally, psychologically, verbally and spiritually abused and manipulated and controlled, well into adulthood as I did not realize how abnormal it was.....) I did not even know he was sick until it was too late......I loved him so much but just I could not take her abuse any longer and he always sided with her for some odd reason I will never figure out. I had invited him to move with me (offering to pay all bills and expenses) to Florida where I live now before cutting him out. He would not do it, and I think it is because at that time I was very young and worldly but he was a religious fanatic. I always saw myself taking care of my dad as he got older, bringing him his favorite soda and candy bars, him in a comfortable recliner watching tv or reading the paper...but that didn't happen even though I tried so hard. (I begged him to move in with me for years.) He never accepted me or my right to believe differently than him-I was told I was going to hell since I was 7 years old...but I always loved and accepted him. I feel so bad and guilty. Thank you for listening and Thank you for being there for me! (I am sorry so long; I just really have no one.)

[arty40 in reply to Hidden]

Speaking as someone who had an abusive parent(psychological bullying i recieved well into adulthood). Perhaps your dad was also psychologically abused and didnt know how to leave. It was by no means him not wanting the same as you. Dont beat yourself up for not being there if you love someone and vice versa you will have been there in his heart.

[Hidden in reply to arty40]

I am so sorry that you went through that arty40! I think that in fact, he did grow up in a very dysfunctional home and yes maybe you are right as to maybe he did not know how to leave. I have forgiven him in my heart and tried to understand from his point of view. I just wish I had been more understanding when he was here, but you are right, I do love him so much and that's all that really matters as wherever he is now I'm sure he knows that. Thank you!

Diviny

[arty40 in reply to Hidden]

You are more than welcome. All the way from across the pond lol

[Hidden in reply to arty40]

LOL ; )

[Hidden]

Diviny

There is no hard and fast rules to get over the death of a close family member, there is also no reason why you should not look on others that have caused you pain any negative or positive feelings. Life is never that straight forward and I can talk with experience when families in the past were disfunctional this can effect their children also any associated siblings. You need to come to terms with all and now move on.

Regards your concerns some CBT may be a good way to go if advised by your GP. You need to Grieve and you have not had the chance to discuss both your past life feelings, talking out your loss may help you to move on. Also addressing those unhappy times will help in moving you forward in a more positive way

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much BOB. I will probably get a Workbook on CBT and yes I am aware of what it stands for. I never did really get to talk about my past much with a professional, so I will make a therapist appt. for that and for grief in particular.

You are right I need to move on; I really need to be more free of this! I will focus on these things, Thank you so very much!

Diviny

[arty40 in reply to Hidden]

You are talking about a subject very close to my heart and i know we are all different but i tried cbt to mo avail. What worked for me was cycling it frees your mind to think about problems without you realising. I think anything that takes away the conststant over thinking allows the room for productive thinking and in turn healing.

[Hidden in reply to arty40]

Thank you for that suggestion!! I live in a wonderful place to cycle! ; )