I’m having a hard time making eye contact and keeping up conversations.

[Rhe-bee]

I work as server ( literally the scariest job in the world to me) as I thought I should face my fears and maybe get used to being around people. It seems my anxiety has gotten worse since starting the job almost a year ago. I can barely make eye contact with customers, I hope and pray that every table decides not to converse with me and when they do, I find my head goes blank on what to say next. Same with friends and aquaintences. Anytime I get a party with 5 or more people I begin to panic and stress big time, which is a problem as we are understaffed and busy, so I can’t always back down from a table. I look around and see that my co workers get a long very well and I am often by myself and try to stay away from conversation as to not embarrass myself. As soon as I approach a person, I automatically assume they are picking out my worst flaws, I pay way too much attention to where their eyes are reverting to on my face or possibly body and out comes all the negative webs of thoughts, streaming in my head and I cannot focus. I often get very angry or irritated at the smallest of things, and then my mood will be happy and uplifted within the next minute or so and same vice versa. People often tell me I look mean, and uninterested so not many people approach me. In reality I’m extremely sweet and goofy. It’s just that my fear has become overwhelming and I get very defensive easily. And when people do approach me, I’m often hoping that they leave me be soon so that I can feel more comfortable. Which is contradicting since I long to be with others. My life doesn’t feel real sometimes, And to make it worse, I’ve deleted all forms of social media so that I am not connected to anyone as I feel it’s all pointless. A lot of times I just want something bad to happen to me so I can stop suffering and leave this world. As much as I love my family, I’ve shut most of them out as I’ve had a very hurtful child hood growing up. I’ve dealt with emotional and physical abuse at home paired with bullying in school growing up. A lot of the bullying was from adults, even in high school. Parents of my drill team at the time, really loved to talk about me and how they wished I quit the team so they’re daughters could have a chance at a good dance part. And all I wanted was to be loved and accepted. I lost everyone of my friends when I was diagnosed with Anorexia my senior year so I recovered alone, and I don’t think I ever got back the part of me that I lost during it. My life feels like it’s stuck in this one spot and that I am incapable of producing anything amazing in any way. I hate almost everything about me, I wish I could see more clearly.

[Strongheartforever]

Your insight into your own problems is one thing among many that you have going for you. Your gift is not being used correctly yet but every day you are moving closer to it. Everyone on this planet is given the immense and daunting challenge of finding purpose. And none of us can do it alone. We are here to connect with others and help those less fortunate and those who are struggling. To be a ray of light in the dark. You know yourself well. You are very intelligent. There are many ways to make money and being a server is not where you should be. You are likely an introvert and you can find your power better in another way. Every choice is love or fear. Go toward what you love. Think of an ideal day of productivity where you serve and you share your gift, your very unique gift, and you make someone’s life better. Couple that with action. Being in a job you hate will really destroy your happiness. Finding a way to serve others without pain, with love, with your sweetness and goofiness, will turn your days into a paradise. This is not fluff talk. I’ve been where you were. You could be a great nanny being sweet and goofy. You could work for one or two families and not be exposed to strangers all the time. You could walk dogs in your neighborhood. One client that you treat like gold will soon turn into more, they will recommend you to their friends and you would be on your way to freedom. You’re independent-minded, you’re an entrepreneur. The pain is telling you to change, to grow. That’s the purpose of pain and life. Grow or die. Dying sounds better when we are lost. But you are here for a reason. You are here to share your gift. You must ask yourself some questions and find out what that is. Hang in there. Jack Canfield has great books. There is a series “What color is your parachute?” that can help you find your purpose and your passion. Make that your mantra. Find your purpose and your passion. What puts you in a zone where time seems to not even exist because you are THERE and you are present and you are engaged? You’ll get there.

[Rhe-bee]

This has really helped to uplift my mind, thank you for taking the time to write this out! I’ll look into the Jack Canfield books and start figuring out what it is that I love to do again. And I appreciate you being honest on how serving is probably making things worse. Things haven’t been better since ive started and it’s been almost a year, so I think that in and of itself is a red flag. I do have a question for you though if you don’t mind. I used to be more extroverted from when I was a toddler to about 13 or so but had major anxiety when it came to new people, walking into rooms at school, constant negative thinking on how other felt about me, etc. Do you think I could ever get back to that extroverted side and learn to control the anxiety? I’m not too keen on taking medication, as I was on Prozac previously for a year and it didn’t work out well. I know the hazards of taking medications and I don’t want that to be a tool unless it has to be. I’ve been through a lot and I’ve spent years building up this huge wall in my heart to the point where I have pushed just about everyone out of my life. I’m 21, and I feel like being alone isn’t really what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s just really hard some days, I know you understand that.

[Strongheartforever in reply to Rhe-bee]

Thank you for your kind response. You are on your way to getting into a better place and it’s thrilling to see in just two posts. You mentioned being extroverted until age 13. Something that is now coming out in health circles is that at around the time that puberty comes on, girls get depressed. It’s hormonal fluctuations. Happened to me too. Just something to keep in mind, that it isn’t you, it isn’t your fault, it isn’t your genes and it isn’t a personality flaw. Getting back to that extroverted place is not necessarily the angle you want to look at it. The better way is to go with the flow and what naturally makes you happy. Don’t fight yourself. You’ll only do a good job at what you do if you enjoy it and if it is your unique gift that you are sharing. I’m an introvert, although I always wanted to be an extrovert and I think it’s easier to be accepted as an extrovert. I get it. The beauty is that introverts have incredible gifts. There are museums full of art by introverts and libraries full of books by introverts. The list goes on and on, inventors, mathematicians, scientists, poets, animal advocates. Your early twenties are a time of growth and discovery and A LOT of misery getting there. You’re in it now and it’s so not fun. You’ll look back and think of how much you learned and how much growth happens during the worst times when you just wanna quit. You can create your own career path and you don’t need college to figure it out. You can place an ad on a job site. One simple free post got me started at your age and I wound up with my own business. And it’s all in your control. But you need to identify a passion you have and offer yourself to someone who needs help. The Jack Canfield book I love is “how to get from where you are to where you want to be”

Think of an ideal work environment. Would you be outside? Or in an art studio? Or writing or sweating or singing? You could have your own clients in many fields, who need you and appreciate you and the more people you help, the more successful you’ll become. At this point in your life, you’re starting from scratch, and I know it’s scary but find a mentor. They love to share their wisdom. Be honest in everything you do. Without self-respect you have no basis for happiness. Live simply. Stuff and vacations will come and you’ll see they don’t mean much without someone wonderful to share them with. But your job, you must know, is really key in being happy. Try something else! Jump in. You could be an assistant to one person and that would cut way back on your anxiety. Don’t force yourself into what makes you anxious. Hope this helps. And I’m happy to help more anytime.