Scared i'll never be happy

[MaisyMay2]

Me again..

I probably sound like a broken record right now, but i really am unhappy. And i know, i need to see my GP. I'm working on it. I just like to make posts as it gets my thoughts out of my head. And i have also brought a self help book called "Dare" for anxiety which helps you become less afraid of feeling anxious - so far it's going really well.

Yet theres still something missing, theres still something making me incredibly unhappy and i'm just not sure what. I don't know if maybe i'm lonely? I don't feel lonely so probably not but some close friends of mine have drifted, my other close friends have all got into serious relationships and i feel like i'm not getting anywhere really. But still i don't feel this is the main cause, maybe just a contributing factor.

I am unsure if my job is making me unhappy, or if i'm just not enjoying it because i'm unhappy in general. This depressive episode, if you can call it that, has started about a month into my new job. I'm just so bored there. It's not even a bad job, the people are okay, i don't wake up dreading it, i just come home upset and confused as i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.

I do not want to continue with that job, i know that. It bores me massively and it can never win. I complain that i don't get enough work, and that ive got barely anything to do so it's boring, but then i get masses of work another day and i get so stressed and upset as i hate knowing i have work waiting to be done.

Then again i have looked around at other job sectors and nothing interests me, which makes me think am i ever going to find a job that doesnt make me unhappy? Am i just going to have to stay unhappy for my working life? I feel like i'm not coping with the hours well, and it all seems just so scary. I've considered finding a job where i could work from home but 1. Theres barely anything i can find and 2. I think id get very isolated as much as i hate to admit it.

I just really don't know what i'm doing with my life and it feels like it's at a dead end in all honesty. Ive just lost all interest. Life bores me. I'm unhappy. I'm really, really fed up.

[sweetiepye]

This is the place where you can complain all you want or need to.I think you need something more challenging than what you are doing. When I was at this point in my life I took some personality tests. The best one compared you with others who were similar to see what career you fit into. Mine came back a French teacher, but I became an Art teacher. Close enough. Having a goal and working toward it will make you feel much more excited about your life. You might be able to find something on line.Generally, the better the job the more control you will have. What do you see yourself doing in your day dreams ? Pam

[MaisyMay2 in reply to sweetiepye]

The tests ive done beforehand have always recommended something involving organisation skills and such like admin work, but thats the job i'm in now and i'm bored!

I need something that keeps me busy but not stressed. My mum often suggests being a primary school teacher but i'm too scared for uni so an apprenticeship in becoming a Teachers assistant in a primary school may be an option.

Another option is a nursery perhaps as i'm very patient with my 3 year old cousin that lives with me. He has speech problems and can only say a few words due to being adopted so we havent had the time to teach him speech like we would have if he was a baby. I'm constantly teaching him in subtle ways, everything i do with him is like a learning curve. And finally the other things is animals - my biggest love in life is animals!

I can't get enough of them, and i love them all. Ive got a lizard, 4 cats, 4 dogs and soon to be goats and chickens. Only problem is i have absolutely no idea what role i would even be able to go into. I wouldnt want to be a vet purely because it would get to me way too much seeing animals sick.

Thank you Pam

[sweetiepye in reply to MaisyMay2]

For every positive you suggest doing, you bring up a negative as to why you can't do it. You are expecting to fail before you even try. That will keep you right where you are. Reread what you have written and see if you recognize it. Sometimes a perfectionist will do nothing rather than risk failure. Are you a perfectionist ?

[MaisyMay2 in reply to sweetiepye]

Wow you are exactly right - i didnt even notice... my mum often says i always look at the negative side and i always deny i do!

Thats exactly what i am, a perfectionist. It's one of the reasons i became so ill during school as i tried so hard to perfect every subject of mine, especially art which as you probably know is quite a demanding subject.

I actually began CBT therapy when i was 14 (i did not continue after my first session) but in that first session we uncovered that the majority of my anxiety stems from fear of failure, or fear of being embarressed. I'm just shocked youve noticed that in my reply as not even i did!

[sweetiepye in reply to MaisyMay2]

I'm Just so darn perceptive . You are right about art students, they have a very hard time especially middle school students. I was always nice about it. Students do better if they're not scared to death. Pam

[MaisyMay2 in reply to sweetiepye]

My art teacher couldnt have been more kind and supportive. She came across strict at first with deadlines, probably because we had a tough class and she wanted to make an impression. I told her in private i was struggling with the subject as i worry so much about it and take my time more than others as my pieces would have to be perfect. She explained that ive never handed in a bad piece and so i could do the bare minimum and still pass. She allowed me to work in her art room whenever i had time and i ended up with an A! I got on so well with all my teachers it made me want to make a difference to students lives like they did with mine.

[sweetiepye in reply to MaisyMay2]

I felt the same way about most of my teachers .

[Girlie32]

Introspective worrying is bad for your mental health. Physical activity is good. Have a look at mood gym (google it) and be patient.

[BlueRobin45]

Hi,

I definitely think you should go to your gp and ask to see a counsellor as I think it will help you figure out why you're feeling so unhappy and how to resolve it. I tried for a couple of years through self help to cope with my anxiety and depressive tendencies and didn't make much progress. Since seeing a counsellor I have gained so much more clarity and insight about my issues, they will help you to work through your thought processes fully and come to a solution. I understand where you're coming from because I always wanted to get into vet school but got rejected so now I am at a loss of what career path I should go for now. I would advise researching as much as possible and keeping your options open, there are so many careers you can have with animals that don't involve sick animals like training dogs for the blind, being a dog handler for the forces or the police, working as a zookeeper or in a kennels or rescue centre. You can even become a self employed dog walker or trainer which would mean you are your own boss but you wouldn't be stuck in the house all day. Knowledge is power especially where education is concerned as some qualifications you actually don't get any value for your money because there is no demand for people in that field at the moment. There are many alternatives to university including open or distance learning courses you can do at your own pace, apprenticeships and traineeships. I would definitely suggest taking your time and making sure that career will be right for you, try to get as much experience as possible in the areas you're interested in by volunteering or finding a long term work placement so you really get a feel for what it would be like to work in that job every single day.

Sorry this answer is a bit long winded but I hope it helps.