Update on my relationship with pregnant adult daughter

[clovislorry]

Hi everybody, several weeks ago I posted here asking for advice on coping with my 44-year old pregnant daughter's attitude towards my mental health issues (i.e. refusal to accept them), and how it was making me very anxious about our visit to her after the birth. In fact I was dreading it and was even considering not going as there is always tension between us, with her constantly telling me to pull myself together and that I was making it all up. We live 500 miles away so it will be a visit of a few days, meeting the new baby and making the most of it before we come back home because it will likely be quite a while before I feel well enough to tackle the long journey again.

The issue was how I could manage the visit and avoid arguments while I was there - and I have to say I received some wonderful advice and wise observational comments from the lovely members here. Some comments in particular made me stop and think about how our roles had somehow got confused, and that it was now my job to offer strong maternal support to my daughter and put my own issues to one side as they don't really concern her. These comments might seem obvious to some but they really had an effect on me and I started straightaway to try to change my behaviour towards my daughter.

I started phoning her more often, and listening to her, only offering advice or opinions when she asked, and not mentioning my own problems at all. I made some little gifts for her and sent them with little cards to let her know I'm thinking about her, and I also did the same for my other daughter, who was really touched by this out-of-the-blue show of affection. I'm so happy to report that these simple actions seem to have had a miraculous effect on our relationships. My 2 daughters are back in touch with each other after a long estrangement, the baby is due in the next few days, and we are now planning our visit with optimism and pleasure.

At the same time as my previous post, I was struggling with changing my AD meds and had had some bad reactions to both Sertraline (diarrhoea) and Mirtazapine (zombie reaction after one tablet) - and I'm happy to report that I have now successfully come off both of these and am back on Fluoxetine, which suits me perfectly. My mood has settled and my physical symptoms disappeared, thank goodness.

Thank you to everybody who offered me advice - you know who you are. xxx

[Suzie40]

I don't think I saw your original post, but reading this has made my heart happy. I'd love nothing more than my Mum to be a part of my children's lives (even from 500 miles away), but she left this world three years ago. I hope the relationship between you and your daughter continues to grow again; I'm sure she loved the gifts

Great news about the meds, too. I've had loads of different antidepressants and I've found the most stability while on fluoxetine.

xx

[clovislorry in reply to Suzie40]

Thank you Suzie. How sad that your mum didn't get the opportunity to be a grandmother to your children. Seeing that makes me realise how lucky I am, and that I must make the most of this wonderful gift that we never ever thought we'd get.

I was on Fluoxetine for 13 years until the end of last year, when it seemed to have stopped working and I found myself back in a deep depression, which is why my GP suggested trying something else. I now realise that the depression was caused more by a year of suffering from one virus after another, which left me exhausted and feeling hopeless, rather than the Fluoxetine being less effective. Experiencing the awful side-effects from other meds made me feel even worse! So back to Fluoxetine I went and thank goodness it's working again, "levelling" me out and helping me to cope with every day stresses and anxiety like it had done for so long before.

[Suzie40 in reply to clovislorry]

I was on Fluoxetine 40mg and 10mg of abilify. I stopped them a while back because I thought I was better (I wasn't!) Have recently started back on them so looking forward to feeling tip-top again! Do you know if it's a pink or blue baby? x

[clovislorry in reply to Suzie40]

No - my daughter and the daddy decided they didn't want to know, so it will be a surprise to us all! She's going into hospital to be induced on Monday - we're all so excited.

[Suzie40 in reply to clovislorry]

That's so exciting! Labour is so horrendous I think having a big surprise at the end makes it a bit easier to handle. I didn't know with my son and the excitement of wondering definitely helped to distract me!

[clovislorry in reply to Suzie40]

I think that's the reason they declined to be told the sex. I've come to realise over the last few months that my daughter is not as strong or self-confident as she likes to make out, and she's just as nervous about the labour and birth as everybody else. At the start of her pregnancy she was quite defiant about the medical advice she was given due to her age, and because she's always kept herself very fit she was adamant that her age was not a factor, but then little things started showing up on scans and tests and she has now had to accept that the experts know better than she does. Having that little surprise at the end is definitely something she's focusing on at the moment.

[darkshadow]

You ask about sertraline. My experience with it started about 12 years ago. To be as brief as possible--was started on 50mg, had no effect, put up to 100 mg , worked for a few years, then up to 150mg, worked for some years before the downward spiral again. Side effects--nightmares, sweats, weight gain, itchy rashes, memory lapses. In the process of coming off them now. Still having nightmares and itch. Lots of weeping and worry. Life is not good.

[clovislorry in reply to darkshadow]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through unhappy times. I was only on Sertraline for a few months and it did lift my mood, but the stomach-upset side effects were terrible. I also had bad withdrawal symptoms coming off it, so all in all it wasn't a good experience for me. I hope you feel better soon.