what’s wrong with me

[platee]

I’m a graphic design/ marketing college student with a decent gpa. In the past year I’ve managed to lose 50lbs and started exercising and eating healthy. I have good friends and good family. I should be happy but I am not. Almost every night I get so depressed and regret every decision I’ve ever made. I can’t go to class or anywhere without acting like a complete fool and saying something embarrassing. I don’t feel like doing any work because it won’t turn out in any way that I like. At this rate I’m not going to be able to graduate with my class because Ive taken too many extra classes and I’m going to be stuck at school for extra long. I can’t bring myself to apply for an internship even though I’ll feel pathetic when I don’t have one and everyone else will. All day every day intrusive thoughts about me dying or ending my own life come into my head that make it hard to function. This has happened for years on and off. I even want to hurt everyone around me at some times. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and it’s so overwhelming and there’s nothing I can do which is why I’ve been getting drunk more often. Apparently I’m not capable of being in any sort of relationship considering the last time someone kissed me I sobbed right in front of them for like an hour. I freeze in any situation where I want to show intimacy and I hate myself. I can’t even do this thing that is supposed to be natural for every human. I’m sick of embarrassing myself. I can’t tell my friends about these things because theyll never see me in the same way. The friends that I have are only there because they don’t realize that I’m a fake and don’t see how pathetic I am. I keep doing things that are making everyone around me see how much of a fool I am. I don’t know how someone like me could graduate or ever function at any kind of real job considering I don’t understand or know anything and school feels so pointless to me all the time. I go back and forth between wishing I had more close friends and hating every person around me and everything they ever do. In the end it doesn’t matter because I will never mean anything to anyone. I’m so tired of one minute feeling so good and believing that I will be able to accomplish so much then minutes later remembering that I’m a piece of crap. I feel bad for anyone who has ever thought any positive thing about me. I have had such a privileged life and don’t deserve to have any negative feelings and yet they seem to be the only feelings I have. I’m such a baby that I can’t handle even the easiest life. I’ve gone to counseling but I can’t communicate any feelings. They ask me a question and I answer I don’t know. They don’t believe me but it is true. In those moments the only thoughts in my head are “leave me alone, I don’t want to be here, get me out of here, I’m overreacting.” I’ve taken medications but they make no help. There isn’t a medication that can solve a pitiful personality. And now that I’ve said some of these things I will not want to show my face here ever again. But I can’t walk around with a bag over my head.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello platee,

Welcome to this supportive community. You do sound like life's really difficult and overwhelming at the moment, you need to kind to yourself. Hopefully you will find the folks here are only to willing to come alongside and support you.

Take care

[Hidden]

You are not a pitiful person ! You are a human being with all its frailties and foibles. I’m sure a regular poster will reply to you more fully very soon. I don’t post on here very often but felt I must post something to you as I could identify with some of your thoughts. I also had a difficult time at university because I was plagued by negative thoughts about myself. I did graduate as I’m sure you will too. My message to you is that thoughts are merely thoughts, they are not facts or the truth of who you are. I took up the practice of mindfulness and that helped me to observe my thoughts without becoming totally identified with them or believing them. Well done for posting, I’m sure now you are talking about it you will feel a bit more hopeful.

Be kind to yourself. Paul.

[hypercat54]

Hi nice to meet you. Believe me there is nothing you could say on here which could embarrass any of us or you as we have heard it all before. We have experienced the type of things you are going through as well.

You say you find it difficult to say how you feel well you have done it extremely well in writing so why not print this off and take it to a counsellor? Once the ice is broken you will find it easier to talk. Do you have a school counsellor?

I found it very hard to talk about my feelings when I was young too but it did get easier as I started doing it a bit and I realised it was a new thing for me which is why I felt embarrassed by it. Unless you make things change they won't so it is well worth making the effort. x

[sweetiepye]

Hi Platee, Oh, I have had those feelings and sometimes I still do. I think everyone does we just don't talk about it very much. You seem to have a large amount of issues all at the same time so it's hard to know what to start with. I went through therapy and that gave me a plan. One thing at a time and learning to talk to the therapist was very helpful. I never wanted to share my feelings and doubts with friends or family but it's different with a professional. This is something you can over come. You are obviously a competent person who is going through some self doubt. . Sharing on here isn't too hard we all have issues and nobody knows who we are , but people are very supportive.. Pam

[DragonTears]

Hey, I hope you do come back in to read some of these replies! You are not alone and you are not a pitiful person! You write about your situation so eloquently and I can tell you are an intelligent and creative person. Honestly, you can do this. You have it in you, but you don't know it yet. You have felt the power but never been able to catch it. Well, this is what i hear, reading your post. Life with the conditions we have and share on this forum can be very tough. Situations that may seem ordinary to others, trigger massive reactions in us or make us paralysed. Stuff that others seem to not even notice, make us scream silently on the inside and want to just evaporate and disappear. Just because you are not like people around you, doesn't mean you are not normal. You are just different from them. That's all. I wish I had a miracle cure, but I don't. Talking is the way forward, I think everyone here will agree, that when you find the right person to talk to, things can change, you can change and see your feelings differently. I really really want you to go to a doctor and just be bluntly honest with them. There is help to get, really good help too, don't suffer when you can do something about it. You feeling this level of stress and anxiety and depression is not OK, you are suffering and probably exhausted by it all. You don't deserve to feel like this, nobody does. I want to say this as well....everyone's life has its own course. Your story is unique to you. There is no right or wrong, black or white. Almost anyone you ask if they are living the life they had in mind in their 20s, will say no. Life has changed 100 times for people in a year or two...I am million miles away from the life I had in mind. You just never know....nothing is a catastrophe, well doesn't have to be anyway. If you don't graduate now, do it in 5 years time. No internship? there are other avenues to follow. Curiously, life seems to throw stuff at you when you least expect it. If someone would have told me I would be living in the UK, working as a Project Manager in IT and have a house....like 5 years ago...I would have laughed! But here I am. Please look after yourself, you are worth it and you will find your place in this world. And when you do, everything will make more sense. In the meantime, see a doctor and let us know how you get on. Big Hugs X

[OMGPotatoe]

I think you have depression,

people think either depression is a word that isn't serious, which it is, or its very dark and full of anxiety.

but I've started to notice that depression causes seriously uncomfortable self awareness. its self concisions as well as being dark, people with depression, like myself, cant help feeling completely incapable in relationships.

recently I've realise how much I lie to my self about how self conscious I am, its almost like its not worth being in any kind of relationship at all.

sorry if I didn't help. I just feel completely useless in relationships.

[Ehsanbey]

Hi platee

Absolutely you are going through a harsh time, I belive you are far capabale and effective personality than what you see yourself, accept all those feelings and face them with courage and then try to see what is really the matter with you, omit whatever or whoever at the moment you dont want to see or burden, be more kind and open to yourself, keep searching for the things that make you allright, my advice is control your drinking cause it postpones you from knowing yourself, so hope this helps cause the main act is up to yourself as once Aristotle said: the hardest task in life is knowing yourself and the easiest is advising others, dont put yourself down