I’m a graphic design/ marketing college student with a decent gpa. In the past year I’ve managed to lose 50lbs and started exercising and eating healthy. I have good friends and good family. I should be happy but I am not. Almost every night I get so depressed and regret every decision I’ve ever made. I can’t go to class or anywhere without acting like a complete fool and saying something embarrassing. I don’t feel like doing any work because it won’t turn out in any way that I like. At this rate I’m not going to be able to graduate with my class because Ive taken too many extra classes and I’m going to be stuck at school for extra long. I can’t bring myself to apply for an internship even though I’ll feel pathetic when I don’t have one and everyone else will. All day every day intrusive thoughts about me dying or ending my own life come into my head that make it hard to function. This has happened for years on and off. I even want to hurt everyone around me at some times. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and it’s so overwhelming and there’s nothing I can do which is why I’ve been getting drunk more often. Apparently I’m not capable of being in any sort of relationship considering the last time someone kissed me I sobbed right in front of them for like an hour. I freeze in any situation where I want to show intimacy and I hate myself. I can’t even do this thing that is supposed to be natural for every human. I’m sick of embarrassing myself. I can’t tell my friends about these things because theyll never see me in the same way. The friends that I have are only there because they don’t realize that I’m a fake and don’t see how pathetic I am. I keep doing things that are making everyone around me see how much of a fool I am. I don’t know how someone like me could graduate or ever function at any kind of real job considering I don’t understand or know anything and school feels so pointless to me all the time. I go back and forth between wishing I had more close friends and hating every person around me and everything they ever do. In the end it doesn’t matter because I will never mean anything to anyone. I’m so tired of one minute feeling so good and believing that I will be able to accomplish so much then minutes later remembering that I’m a piece of crap. I feel bad for anyone who has ever thought any positive thing about me. I have had such a privileged life and don’t deserve to have any negative feelings and yet they seem to be the only feelings I have. I’m such a baby that I can’t handle even the easiest life. I’ve gone to counseling but I can’t communicate any feelings. They ask me a question and I answer I don’t know. They don’t believe me but it is true. In those moments the only thoughts in my head are “leave me alone, I don’t want to be here, get me out of here, I’m overreacting.” I’ve taken medications but they make no help. There isn’t a medication that can solve a pitiful personality. And now that I’ve said some of these things I will not want to show my face here ever again. But I can’t walk around with a bag over my head.