What exactly is wrong with me?

Erm, hi. I'm Ryan. I'm unsure of what's wrong and feel I'm over-dramatizing this (as I know people have worse things going on in life than I do) I'm constantly switching between thinking there's something wrong with me, or just being melodramatic and making up things that aren't actually wrong. I'm strongly against going to see my GP, as I feel like it will be a waste of time to be told nothing is wrong, which I have a gut feeling there is.

Whenever I'm in a social place, I always feel like I am being watched by someone. Judged, even. I constantly hone in on people who are laughing at me or joking to my expense, and hate being stared at for a large amount of time by someone I don't know. Just walking around classrooms make my chest tight and feel breathless (to some extent) I'm always moving in my seat, unable to sit still and constantly feel like there is something wrong with me, the way I act, or my body (which I have changed - lost around two stone since January) Even those who I am friends with, I occasionally feel uncomfortable around, like they are thinking in their heads "what a loser, why do I hang around with him?"

I have recurring feelings of 'emptiness' at times (started when a very close family member died) Often, I feel little/nothing towards others I should (only very strong emotions, like sadness or love affect me now) Occasionally, I find myself thinking to myself 'what do I have to look forward to when I go home?'. This has only recently started though, the emptiness has been around for around four years.

I look at relationships and things in far too much detail, almost as if trying to imagine what the other person is thinking/doing if I mess up, which I frequently do. Instead of feeling good about myself, I feel that I am clumsy and unpopular, even with those who I feel are friends.

Any ideas as to what could be wrong with me? I'm unsure myself, but wish to get an insight as to be what may causing me to feel like this.

[Hidden]

Thanks for your advice! While I know there is no medical professionals on these forums, I was hoping someone who has had similar feelings to myself would be able to help.

While there is a councillor at my school, I have never felt that transferring my emotions into words easy and find myself flustered and embarassed, while I had one when I was younger, I found that talking about it did help to some extent, bit also made me bring emotions to the surface that I had tried to avoid (grief/sadness/resent for mistakes I have made)

Currently I am fifteen.

[Cara78 in reply to Hidden]

Hello. U could maybe try writing it all down as honestly and in-depth as possible and taking it too your doctor. Try not rip it up before u get there lol.

[AjMiki]

Ryan - you come across extremely well educated and clued up for someone who is 15 years old and not only able to express how you are feeling but to be aware of these feelings and relate them to what you know. This kind of realisation can take years for many people to discover, you should be proud of your awareness which in turn 'could' suggest there is very little 'wrong' with you!

However, easy said than done ehh, otherwise we would put a stop to these 'silly' things that take over our mindset and start ruling the roost.

I'm going to say, get your ass to the doctor and explain exactly what you have here, also emphasise your reluctance at doing this because you feel like your being melodramatic!

I share that sentiment Ryan, still to this day as a 40 year old who despite all the positives in my life , can sit in a pub and judge myself from the inside over analysing what anyone who had looked or spoken with me on that night and usually my brain is looking for the worst case scenario, therefore causing resentment, confusion, mixed emotions, sadness, shame, embarrassment and so on...when really nothing had happened and the truth is ive been ok had a bloody great time, and being looked at because I'm good looking and I've missed the potential to meet someone new in my life because of my own MH challenges! It's a lot to do with our own filing cabinet in our head, and the draw for 'self esteem' which carries many sub folders has been opened way to much resulting in many pieces of papers having fallen out. You need to start (sooner rather than later) putting those papers back in order and back in the cabinet, so yes go to the doctor and get a professional opinion on it. Given your post, I see someone who can tackle this having made the acknowledgement and by sheer determination - let your conscious mind rule for a while and do whatever's necessary.