I have no interest anymore.

[DM1993]

Hi,

Okay I've never done this before but I feel I need to get this out. For a while now I've become aware that I have zero interest in life, like I honestly couldn't care less anymore. Nothing excites me, nothing seems to make me feel anything. I feel dead inside.

I'm 24 and honestly given up my job as issues with colleagues (it's an office job), I wanted to take time out to go traveling & the job itself which involved answering phones and literally putting up with angry customers due to cash points either eating cards or not dispensing requested cash, I was a customer advisor for a cashpoint company. I went to Israel, it was something I've always wanted to do, I believe in God, in Jesus and wanted to see the place that is the home of where my faith started. I hoped I'd experience some kind of renewal but instead whilst I was there all I could do was literally break into tears or drink.

I'm going to travel America, starting L.A. just to get away but I'm scared I'll just end up doing the same thing as before.

What triggered all this was last year I witnessed a close friend of mine die from cardiac arrest, the day after my best friend committed suicide to then have my father pass away a week after my birthday. Losing my dad broke me. It didn't just break me but it seemed everything I've been through in life started flooding out of me, you see as much as I feel like this 'woe with me'-victim, I was a fighter, someone who soldiered on, I thank God that He gave me the strength because I know I'm not that strong.

You see I was severely bullied majority of my life, it got really bad in secondary school, people would out of no where just say harsh remarks or even just hit me for amusement. It caused me to give up on myself in every sense where I wouldnt take care of myself, I'd get drunk, became a heavy stoner and honestly looked like a tramp. It took a strain on my family as I would lash out on them but if I'm honest me and my mum never really had a good relationship, she favored my older brother as he was academically bright, a lot like her than I was who is dyslexic, prefer to be into music/art etc.

I got kicked out at 15 and lived with my best mate for a year, my mum didn't really want me back, she made it clear by saying things like oh "the family is use to it being just us four" she's always excluded me from things, put me down on my appearance, one time my cousin straightened my hair as a joke on New Years and she said I looked like I had cancer. She'd say I look like a dog other times or I looked ugly.

I got kicked out again at 17, moved to Bath to be with a guy I liked. My first ever relationship was a horror story, he was an alcoholic, made me sleep with someone else, would kick me out every weekend, we had physical altercations many a time and he'd lock me in his flat when he'd go out just to cheat on me with every tom dick n harry. I was no angel, I was still getting high and could be irritable when I didn't have any smoke. So two addicts together is a recipe for disaster. At this age I did take care of myself and not being arrogant was a lot better looking etc. Yet it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. He put me through hell and I was STUPID to keep forgiving just to have him dump me, not even being man enough to dump just doing it on the sly.

Every friend I seemed to make while living there was fake, only out what I had and not for me, majority the time I was either too weird or too this or too that. I wasn't good enough.

I became a mess again, was in and out of different jobs. etc. There's so much more I could write but honestly I can only imagine reading this and see how drained people must be.

Man I sound like a freaking victim, I'm sure I've done a lot, I know I must be the problem because come on, I'm the common denominator in all this. I suffer with depression, anxiety. I think its now developed into psychotic depression because now I hallucinate hearing audible voices, putting me down constantly like I can hear this girl in the distance putting me down and saying how everyone hates me and wants to beat me up. I think this started after I went through a period in 2014 when I had a neighbor harrass nearly every night when. she had her mates round n they were getting drunk/coked up.

Long story short, ironic seeing the amount I've wrote. I've had enough. I've survived and fought through everything through the grace of God, hoping there's a light at the end to which I'd find my path in life, to which I'd find my place. Alas this hasn't happened. Instead I'm here questioning everyday life or death, life or death. It's like I feel this weird sinking feeling in my heart, I cry near enough every day, I feel myself hating everything, everyone. All I see is black when it comes to the future. Getting through the day is such a mission in it self. I'm so lonely. I have no friends. No one is interested in me and anyone who does I get anxious build this wall instantly and it makes me appear like I'm better than them or whatever which is the exact opposite to the truth, I want to let people in but I'm tired of it ending the same like I will push them away or I can't trust them or I'm not good enough.

I want to commit my life to God again and don't get me wrong I love God, I have the up most respect for Him, not in this crazy religious way but through spiritual way, when I was homeless he gave me a home, when I had no money, He gave me work. Its just I can't give Him what he wants, I can't live the way worthy of the gospel. I have NO interest in it anymore, in anything for that matter.

I feel empty.

I honestly can't do it anymore, I can't even hide how I feel with a fake smile anymore. I can't do it. What is the point! It isn't even worth it anymore. I'm tired of being a victim, a joke, I'm tired of people thinking they can walk over me or treat me like a piece of shit. I'm sick of everything.

I get it, I'm not worth it, I'm nothing. So why can't I just do it? Why can't I just end it? I'll go to hell? why? I'm living hell every day! No one loves me man. I'm never gonna be good enough.

[Clockwor]

Hi

Wow. I can honestly say youve had way more than your fair share of rubbish. While ive not been through nearly as much as you, you need to do whats right for you.

You don't sound like another sad victim story at all. In my eyes your the strongest person ive ever read about. Because your still standing.

Not good enough? That's a dark pit to be in and one you need to get out of. The people who made you feel that way clearly didn't see you as a person with feelings, memories and worth. You are woth something. You have value and worth even if you cant see that now.

Your mother sounds like she was blinded by the bad influences you were swept away in. She didn't see her child in need of help and guidance. Sometimes as hard as it is, people who are unable to see the one suffering under it all, are best left to walk away. And in my experience you are better off cutting ties with all those who have a negative impact on you, because you deserve better. I had to walk away from a relationship of 5 years because he was destroying my mental and financial health.

The most beautiful thing someone can do for themselves is look after themselves inside and out. I started repairing from within when I started opening up, taking on more physical exersize, and learning when enough was enough.

You are one of gods children no matter how well you worship. You are welcome in his house whenever. Be it ever Sunday or just at Christmas. No im not a strict Christian but I was taught that if ever you find your self in need hes always listening.

You can't let the past takaway your future. No I havent been through what you have or faces so many terrible things. But I do know that you should learn from the past. Not live in it.

It sounds like you need to restablish your connection with God. He loves you no matter what. You also need to talk to someone about this. A Doctor can refer you to someone.

It saddens me to read about one person deal with so much. I truly hope things change for the better. Good people are out there and they do care. You may even find friends here to listen. Take care if your head and you will want to take care of your body and environment.

I wish you all the best and people will help you here. Sending hugs xxxx

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi DM1993 and welcome to the forum. It is good that you are able to write down your feelings as this in itself can be therapeutic. You have experienced a great deal of trauma and loss and you say you know you are not that strong. I think you are very strong to have coped with all of these things. Remember that you are valued, loved and are "good enough". You are most definitely not a "victim or a joke". At the moment, you fell very low, which is understandable. Start with small steps and be kind to yourself. Do whatever is right for you to help you to feel better. Look after yourself with good nutrition, fluids and sleep. Please contact Samaritans on 116 123 [24 hour helpline] if you are feeling suicidal where you will have a listening ear. You may also like to have a look at the pinned posts for further support and information. Also, please make an appointment to see your GP where you will receive some help and support. Please stay on the forum where you will receive help and support from other members Thank you and best wishes.

[cassidy0703]

you say your not strong enough but your still here right? I'm sure people all have their own reasons for being "weak" but truth is we are all equal and if they don't see that then they are the ones who need help not us