would u rather choose the path of your heart even if there is the possibility that it's the wrong path and probably a mistake or stick to the rules and live the life as it's suppose to be...
(Sorry for my English)
I would always go with what my heart told me.if its the wrong path then hey I tried next time I wont make the same mistake.
i'm in the middle of the path and i'm already regretting a lot of things
I never felt bad for doing crazy things but for the first time in my life i feel that i messed it up so bad and probably if i keep going on the same path i would make more mistakes...
you probably wondering, if i'm feel bad why i don't stop it! i just can't let go even if it's hurting me.
It’s hard to answer this honestly as it’s not specific enough to make an accurate decision. You say follow your heart, but then go on to say it’s probably a mistake. This leads me to believe you intuitively know that this probably isn’t the best choice, but your heart is still wanting to do it.
You mention sticking to the rules and living life how it’s supposed to be, but there’s no way to really tell what that means. I generally don’t think there is one way life is “supposed” to be, each person has their own ideals for how they want their life to be. As far as sticking to the “rules”, who is giving you these rules? It seems like you aren’t forced to live by them if you have a choice to follow your heart, so why live with them in either case?
From the info I have, I’m going to get this may be related to either being with someone you want to be with, or being with someone who your family or religion wants you to be with. Is this the case or am I totally off base?
Hi it's true i didn't mention the details but it's a messed up story.
Thank you for your answer and you were right, it's being with someone i want to be with but my family won't accept that person..
About the rules, it's from religion, family traditions...
About how it's "suppose" to be, it's how society and family are expecting from me
The problem i already lost my best friend and my dearest person in this world and here i am sticking to the person i want to be with but i'm not feeling happy anymore but in the same time i can't let go..
I don’t have any experience with religious traditions or rules on who I was able to date, so I can’t offer much advice there. But I will say one thing. If you’ve already lost your best friend because this guy, you’re not feeling happy with him, he’s causing stress between you and your family, he’s probably not the right guy for you. Under normal circumstances, I would say forget anyone else, be with the person you love. But you say you are unhappy with him, and that’s no good, and it also seems like most all of the people you are close to don’t care for him, so sometimes that can be an indication that we are blinded by love, but not always.
As far as not being able to let go, I can tell you my experience going through that. I put off leaving someone who I loved, but I knew that I could never have a life with, for a long time. We were together for four years when I finally ended it for good. And I thought that I could never imagine a life without him in it. It was such a strange thing to me to think that we would never see each other again. But what they say is true. Time heals all wounds.
I’m now married to someone who respects me, who I have more in common with, who challenges me intellectually, and who I raised a family with. And I haven’t thought about my ex in years. And when he does come up in conversation it’s like I’m talking about someone that I went to school with. Those feelings of attachment and sadness, they do fade. It might seem now like it would be impossible for you to forget about him, but you’d be surprised how much your feelings can change given time.
Also what helped me is kind of debated, which is starting to see someone else. Some say that it’s best not to just jump right into another relationship, to give yourself time to reflect and heal, and be emotionally ready. But it was the opposite for me. I found that starting to date gave me a distraction. How could I think about my ex when I was having so much fun with someone else? I didn’t jump into the arms of the first man that came my way of course, but if I met someone I was attracted to, who treated me well, I gave it a chance. I was open, I admitted I had just gotten out of a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything too serious at first. And I found that it helped me get over my ex pretty painlessly. But since you do have a different culture than I do, this may not even be something that would be reasonable for you.
This concept really just boils down to finding something that takes your mind off of him while making you happy and having fun. Doing something new and exciting, maybe taking a class in something you’ve always been interested in but never done, or picking up a new interest like bike riding and listening to music (obviously only use headphones in a designated bike trail that is safe, so you don’t get hit by a vehicle). Music is a distraction and biking can be relaxing and cathartic. Or writing in a journal, binge listening to a new podcast or watching a new TV series, whatever is relevant and feasible in your life. The main thing is whatever it is, it keeps your brain from wandering to this guy while also releasing chemicals in your brain that make you feel happy. This, I guarantee, will help greatly.
But even if you don’t do any of those things and chose to just let yourself heal in time, I promise you, it will get easier. And then even easier, until you get to the point where you can’t even remember why you were ever so upset about him.
Whatever you choose, just remember it’s healthier to do what is best for you. Being with someone who doesn’t make you happy isn’t fair to you, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone you can experience that genuine, happy, true love with. Making the choice that is best for you sometimes isn’t easy to do. But we just have to rip it off like a bandaid. Do it quickly and determined, and stick with it. After awhile, even just not having the stress of him in your life will help you get over him.
In any case, good luck with whatever you decide, I hope you are able to reach peace in your heart and your relationships with those you care about.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and thanks for the support i really appreciate it
you helped me a lot
Hi ang95. As an Irishman my heart always leads my head. It's often gotten me into some crazy experiences but .... What the hell?! 🇮🇪
Hi, thank for your answer
I always followed my heart and yes i got into some crazy experiences too.. it was awesome and i don't regret any of it
but this time, following my heart cost me a lot and i don't know anymore if i should stick to it or let it go... it's so hard to let go though...
Hi ang. Coming from a little village in Cork, Ireland there is a saying people use (s'cuse the language) which is "Shit or bust". Essentially means just go for hat you want & hang the consequences. What's to lose?
Much of my life has been influenced by growing up in IRA country in the middle of the Troubles.
I really do feel I'm @ a time of my life where I'm more aware of my mortality & that my death may not be far away so I go with the flow (providing it's flowing in the direction I want,)
Take care. 🇮🇪
Hi, thanks for sharing your experience and for the support i really appreciate it
May I ask, stick to what rules and how is life suppose to be ?
About the "rules", it's from religion, family traditions...
Follow your heart. It is unbiased.
Hiya, may I suggest a third possibility? You trust your own judgment about which path to follow. Sometimes you will ask for advice from others but ultimately you have to make the decision. Sometimes, the path you choose will be a difficult and rocky one and sometimes it will be a well trodden, safe and smooth path. But, whatever path you take, will bring you new experiences and encounters and the opportunity to learn from them and the next time you reach a crossroads, you may have a better understanding of which path to take. Take care,
Hi thank you for your answer
while answering, i figure out why i can't make a decision...
i always like choosing the difficult and rocky path but i end up choosing the safe and smooth one. why!! because i'm living in a society where you can't make your dreams come true, i'm in a family that want me to stay in the safe place and live the quite, traditional, expected life
i did choose the smooth path and kept some crazy experiences aside so i can keep moving on in my life
But this time! I want something important, something my family have a say in it..
if i had the power to choose on my one and if i was completely independent i would choose easily and even if i make a mistake i can learn from it and move on... but no this is not the case here.. i can't choose on my own, i'm not independent and if i make a mistake it won't be forgiven and it would be hard to move on from it...
sorry it's a long answer.
Hiya, sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation. Sometimes, wherever we live, circumstances prevent us from doing what we want to do and limits our choices. There is no easy solution to that, because most of life is outside our control. Only you can decide what you should do, but I believe that your health and personal safety is the most important thing to consider. Be patient, things can change, societies and its views can change and families too. We do not know what the future will bring. We can only live in the present, each hour of each day and seek out happiness and kindness wherever we can and always remain hopeful. Take care,
Hi thank u for the support i really appreciate it
i will keep that in mind
Would you mind me asking how old you are? The reason this is relevant is if you are relatively young, then I wouldn’t risk causing a huge rift between you and your family over this person, for the following reason. We grow an unbelievable amount from the ages of 20-30. Who we are attracted to, our interests, our opinions, all can change and grow during this time. It’s almost like we become different people.
So even if you choose the boy, and you’re happy and independent with him for awhile, you may (and I will say more than likely) realize that what you want has now changed, you’ve both grown up and want to do different things in life, travel different paths... you may even realize you now disagree on fundamental things, like having children, how to raise them, your political views, etc.
So I’d take that into account when making the decision also. If you follow your heart, just make sure it’s really worth what you’re giving up, and know that what your heart wants now may not be what your heart wants in a few years.
Hi again, yes sure.. i'm 22
the most important question is: does it worth it!! and i need to now that
besides i think there is a specific detail about losing my best friend and all that i should consider and think about it...
I wish I knew more about your traditions and culture, I’d probably be able to help you better. When you said you aren’t happy with him, was it him that you aren’t happy with, or you are unhappy being with him because the stress it’s putting on you?
If you were to leave and be with him, what would happen? Would your family disown you? Would they ever speak to you, and would they ever change their mind if you left him later? If they did eventually start speaking to you again, would this forever change their opinion of you?
What about your social circle, your friends, what would happen with them? Would they still be there for you, or stop associating with you?
i'm gonna try to explain everything here
at first (without boyfriend) i was lost, i had no goals for the future, i hated commitment, i just was going with the flow
then i met him (actually i already know him for 7 years but we didn't talk for a long time) everything was going great, after a while problems pups up and i lost my best friend.
time goes and i discover things like: he is that kind of guy who blame others and it's never his fault, he always overreact and he ask "what would you do if you were in the same situation?". i'll be like "if i was in your shoes i wouldn't react like that" , when i feel bothered about something i keep it to myself but if he felt a slit change he will be like"what's wrong with you! you changed!".... (sometime i feel like i'm an a toxic relationship and sometimes i feel it's my fault for making him feel bad even if he overreact. besides he is going through tough times so he is probably under pressure and not being himself)
now i'm feeling lost again, i spent the other day crying, i couldn't stop, it was so confusing, i felt like everything happened was based on a perfect picture and now everything is ruined
For my family; i can't leave and be with him, this is not how it works here. i know that they won't accept him for a lot of reasons that i didn't care about, i only cared for his personality and how he is treating me, but now i feel i have nothing to fight for.
social circle!! i have 3 best friends we drift apart and we are not really close now and they new the guy and 2 of my friends hated him back then.whatever! and the one person who was with me even if it wasn't perfect, i lost her because of this relationship. so i have no friends.
i don't really make friends easily and i don't even want to...
I'm so nervous for sharing this...
Gosh, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this, and it seems like all your grief is stemming from one person.
I hate to say this, but he seems like he needs to seek out his own therapy to deal with his issues before he can be a good boyfriend, and I would suggest ending the relationship as gently as possible but as soon as possible. And cutting contact at the very least until he has proven he’s had therapy for his anger issues and all of his other issues.
Going through a hard time is no excuse for him to treat you that way. There are so many warning signs that tell me that if you stay with him, you will only feel more and more miserable.
- You don’t feel like you can be honest and share with him openly. If you feel like you can’t talk to him, there’s an issue there. Your boyfriend is supposed to care about your feelings, if someone loves you they want you to be happy and comfortable with telling them what’s wrong.
- he gets mad if he even suspects you’re upset. You shouldn’t have to hide your feelings and feel anxiety that he’s going to flip out if he notices. That’s not healthy at all for you. If you are afraid around your boyfriend, for any reason, that’s not a healthy relationship.
- all of your friends have distanced themselves due to him. Sometimes friends won’t like the guy you’re seeing for whatever reason, and usually that alone isn’t a reason to break up with him, but it can be a sign that you should take a closer look at the relationship. Your friends just want the best for you, and they can sometimes pick up on things you can’t because of your feelings for him. But usually all of your friends don’t abandon you because of him. That tells me that he must have affected them in such a negative way that they couldn’t stand to see you with him anymore or be hurt by him.
- the parents not liking him isn’t as much of a red flag, since I don’t know exactly why they don’t, I’m side with the fact that it’s relatively common for parents to dislike their kids boyfriends, so I can’t make any definite conclusions about that.
I know you’re confused, and you felt sad and directionless before you met him, and then he made you happy so maybe you’re afraid you will be will be even worse without him. But trust me, there is nothing worse than the feelings you have in an emotionally neglectful, abusive or turbulent relationship. You are not responsible in any way for the way he treats you, even if he makes you feel that way.
I don’t have any doubts any longer, he definitely isn’t your soul mate, at least not how he currently is. If you don’t leave him, you’ll never find the guy who is going to treat you the right way, make you feel loved and appreciated and respected. I feel for you, I hope for the best for you, I know that if this negative person was out of your life, it would turn things around for you and you would feel so much better, even if you feel miserable at first. Once you start getting over him, you’ll realize how miserable you actually were and how much better you are without him. ❤️
Edit* I hope I didn’t come off as pushy or bossy or too forward, I didn’t mean to come off that way. It’s just that I have a hard time with injustice and mistreatment of any person, so sometimes I come off a little strong on human rights issues. I wish you the best with whatever choice you make 😊
thank you so much for your support, you have no idea how much this mean to me.
You helped me a lot to put my thoughts together, and just talking about it made me feel better and made me realize what i'm really putting myself into.
I will think about it more and like they say; think twice cut once.
I wouldn't call u pushy or bossy, actually it's so cool to stand up for what you believe in.
It’s no problem at all. 😊 I have been thinking a lot lately about life and about when I’m (hopefully) at an old age, reflecting back on my life, if I will be content that I lived a life I was proud of, or if I would realize there are things I wish that I had done.
And I realized that, at least in my life and from my experiences, there aren’t nearly enough people who genuinely care about the well being of their fellow human beings - regardless of if they are the same as them or different. There were too many people who hated entire races because of their skin, or their gender, or their sexual orientation. They couldn’t see that they were human beings who suffered just like them, their blood was red, just like them. And they felt the right to spew hatred, and hurt them because they could. There are women being abused, children being abused, neglected. And in other countries, so much worse. Sometimes because a certain person or group had wronged them, so they decided they were all hurtful people.
Hatred is also passed down, I saw that first hand. I watched a man tell his 5 year old that she was allowed to call black individuals n*ggers as long as she was around him, because they were bad people. And that’s her father, why shouldn’t she trust him? She will grow up with that hate in her heart, never being able to know the friendship of someone who may have changed her life, if she would have let them in.
I had always cared, I cared deeply, I cried just trying to talk to people, to make them aware of the suffering of so much of humanity. I knew pain, we’ve all known pain. How could I stand by and do nothing? But I never had the motivation to try, in any way I could, to somehow reach and help them. I felt that the task was too big, and I was only one person. But I finally decided that even though I’m only one person, one person CAN make a difference. I firmly believe that one kind action can cause ripples that spread to beyond where you can see, and the more kindness you give, that’s one more person who has a little bit more faith in humanity.
So I’m here, trying to help those who need a comforting voice, and in my real life, I lend a helping hand any way I can. It’s not much, but if we all practiced love, acceptance and compassion for our fellow humans, our brothers and sisters, that would change the world. As the Chinese proverb goes, “A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.” You just have to take that step, and if you’re lucky, eventually, others will stand up too.
I’ve realized that the more I do this, the less depressed I feel. The more hopeful I am. The better I feel, not out of some sense of superiority or inflated ego. But because seeing other people happy, genuinely makes me happy.
Anyway, this is long, so I’ll stop here. I hope that you are able to come to a point where you feel peace in your heart and confidence in yourself, because you’re a strong person. You may not realize it, but you are stronger than you may know. Sometimes we just need someone to believe in us, to tell us that we are important, and we matter. That we are not whatever those people full of anger believe we are. Well, I KNOW that you matter, and you ARE important. So just remember, if you’re feeling down, and you feel that no one believes in you, or cares about your wellbeing, you can be sure at least one other human on this planet does. 💜
this was so deep and so beautiful, i love it and you are an awesome person and you deserve the best.
We can find good and bad people everywhere, unfortunately a lot are judging a whole race based on a single bad person who gave a bad influence and they spread bad vibes to their kids and probably their friends.
For me, i hate judging people, every single one in this planet have his/her own story and we all have feelings, worries, ups and downs..
these two days you came to me and talked to me, you made me feel better and you are an inspiration, someday i will do the same and spread more love and happiness. ❤️
we can make it through anything together and we can realize how strong we are. ❤️
Well thank you, it makes me happy to know that I helped at least one person lift their mood today 😊 I am always happy to help, so if you need any more advice, or just need to vent, feel free to send me a message and I’ll do my best to give any advice or just lend a listening ear... or eye. Lol💜
Thank you 😊 i will keep in touch 💜 LOL
Just try not to do something which hurts other people, because that can come back to haunt you in the years to come. I lie awake literally every night, and am torn apart every day, because of what I did 30 years ago. It's like a bottomless pit in my stomach, and it's there all the time. Break the law of unintended consequences and you can face a life sentence.
i'm sorry to hear that, I hope you feel peace in your heart eventually.
I'm trying to not hurt anyone, that's what put me in this confusing situation from the first place. I can't hurt people i love even if they are hurting me..
I’m sorry, but I disagree. If you read some of the above posts, it’s clear that he’s the one who is doing the hurting, so if she hurts him by leaving, well that’s just karma on his end I guess. They are both adults and she has no obligation to him or any control over his actions after the relationship ends, nor would it be fair if she was made to feel in any way responsible.
I don’t think telling her to try not to hurt anyone is a good idea at all to be honest, because she doesn’t need anyone to make her feel guilty or afraid of leaving. This guy from all accounts is emotionally abusive, and neglectful to her emotional well-being, at the very least he’s emotionally immature and unable to regulate his own emotions or be supportive of hers. It’s more likely something happens to HER if she DOESN’T leave.
Perhaps you and her situations are different, or you didn’t read all of the responses. That’s the only thing I can think of as to by you would suggest someone in an unhealthy relationship to think of the abuser before their own safety and mental health.
Nice to meet you virtually on here
I thought about your question - it is really quite difficult to answer without knowing what the choices you refer to actually are.
So, in the absence of that I say "follow your heart it it brings you and others happiness and fulfilment and progression your life" ... sometimes our hearts can want things that are unhealthy for us, and we need to be our own 'keepers and helpers' by making the choices that are 'healthy' for us.
I really hope that makes sense.
I send you my friendship and good wishes.
Hi thank you for the support i really appreciate it
If you want to know more about the story you can read the discussion above.. it's too long though..
my heart wanted something unhealthy for me, i kept going on the path until i found myself lost, crying too much, confused, regretting a lot..
So obviously I should stick to the right choice which is the healthy one for me.. it's not that easy but hopefully i will make it.
Praying For You To Make Right Choices, Whatever Those Are ...
I Remember this one time, I had a Boyfriend. He always wanted to have sex with Him, to which I always said, "no!" I wasn't ready, This Boyfriend also wanted to do boxing, because in those days, I used to fight. I had bruises all over My Arms, and eventually it happened; one day, while We were boxing and I was tired, My Iraqi Boyfriend threatened to rape My Butt, and asked what I'd do about it: I said I'd scream loudly and call the Police. ... My Boyfriend Took A Moment To Pause, And Then He, not Me, Said Maybe We Should Break Up. Tired, I Agreed. I Didn't miss Him. I Felt Relieved, that all the pressure, that came with Him, Was Gone. I eventually Found Someone Else, Again, Too Early, But When My Morals Formed, He Has Respected My Boundaries As Much As Possible. We Are Now Over 30 Years Old, Have Stuck Through 11 Years Of Thick And Thin, And We Now Are Thinking Seriously About Getting Married. I Hope This Helps.
Thank you so much for sharing your story it really help a lot, i'm happy that everything worked out eventually and you found the right person for you ♥
I always wondered, why the boyfriend can't accept the fact that his partner isn't ready or have boundaries?
He will take it as a sign that she doesn't love him as much as he does, or he would be like "I'm ready to do anything for you, why aren't you?"
I'm not just talking about sex, i mean there is other boundaries that we can have, right?!
If those boundaries making the boyfriend feeling "in hell, not happy, bothered, not satisfied..."
What's the solution?
Either the girl will give up her boundaries to make him happy or they will keep on the relationship with the uncomfortable situation
You held on to your boundaries and waited for yourself to be ready.. this is so inspiring
May i ask you! Would you give up one of your boundaries for your boyfriend?! (i mean other than sex)
Because i did, I changed a little bit, I give up on things to make him feel happy but it looks like he is demanding more, i feel like i'm in a challenge now "how much can i give".. And now i feel broken inside, i feel that's not who i am anymore.
We need to compromise to make a relationships work but how much can it go for!.. it's like, right and wrong became blur to me..
I'm sorry i made a long answer but i can't stop thinking, it's like an explosion in my mind that i can't stop..
I'd, Say, It Depends On How Important The Boundary Is, And If It's A Reasonable Boundary, And A Doable Boundary... Like Sex Was Really Big For Me... Money might be another one, For Me, I'm Trying To Save Up To Do Something Good, And I'm Paying My Debt. If My Boyfriend Asked Me To Say, Give that up, I'd Probably Say No. Then There's Religion, I Want A Boyfriend Who Believes The Same Thing As Me, Because That's Pretty Big To Me. Body Shape, My Boyfriend Has Specific Wishes,... And While This May Be Big To Some, I'm Sure I Can Try My Best To Please Him. Talking About What We'll Do After We're Married, Before We're Even Married, That's A Boundary I Let Slip, Because It Seems Impossible For Him To Keep, And My Dad Thinks That's Unreasonable... But Everyone Has Different 'Big's And Different 'Small's And Reasons On Boundaries... And While Some Boundaries broken would break The Person too, Some Wouldn't. I Think, What It Boils Down To, Is How Close Are These Boundaries, To You, And What Are They Protecting You From, And Are They Doing A Good Job, - And Can You Ever Get Them Back, if broken?
I Hope This Helps, And I'm not too strong opinionated.
He sounds quite controlling. It might be because he is scared of losing you but I would say this to him...if he loves you honestly and truthfully with no expectations then he will be patient with you. Do you love him? If so, then he must accept that you're going through a time where this is very important for you to work out what it is that you must do and he needs to be patient with you...if he cannot do that, then your answer is already there for you. Leave.
Thank you so much for the support
Actually he do have expectations, when i'm not at the predicted level he would be annoyed, unhappy and bothered..
i'm trying to keep him happy and climb to his expectations but each time i get to a level he demand more and more until i felt that i'm not enough and i'm not able to make him happy..
if the answer is leaving, it's so hard to let go
I know things are never simple and we wish they were. For us, what we choose to do or be can be that simple, it is when we think we don't know the right course to take that things become complicated.
I have had a similar experience with my fiancee whose parent are very rich but I am not. It has become quite clear to us that I am judged by them on the basis of not being somewhat financially free. They have tried to sabotage our relationship, I have been called a racist and many other things in an attempt to tear us apart. It is unfortunate.
I have only read your original post as there are so many posts here. I'm sure there is some good advice so I won't go on too much suffice to say I would ask yourself some fundamental questions regarding your situation. They're not difficult and they may not give you the immediate solution, but they will provide a bedrock on which a solution will present itself from within you because this is all about you. I know there are other people involved but the question you seem to be asking yourself is this...who am I and what's important to me?
Please tell me if this is wrong.
So the questions that will begin to help you find the answer to your situation and how to move forward are these simple questions.
1: Forgetting everyone else for a moment...What is it I really want to have happen in this situation?
2: How important is it to me that...?
3: How would I feel if...?
These are basic questions that you should ask and write down. The next four questions will require a little more thought but are very useful.
1: What will happen if you change things to make (You, your parents, your man - one at a time) happy?
2: What won't happen if you change things to make (You, your parents, your man - one at a time) happy?
3: What will happen if you don't change things to make (You, your parents, your man - one at a time) happy?
4: What won't happen if you don't change things to make (You, your parents, your man - one at a time) happy?
Ask these 4 questions one at a time for each of these people...yourself, your parents and your partner.
Look over the questions and look for what is the most important to you.
The most important thing is that you live your life the way that feels right for you. If you choose any other way in time you will feel regret and possibly some bitterness towards one party or another...this is not a good place. If you're true to who you are then if anyone has a problem with that then it lays with them and not you.
As far as religion goes...isn't it funny that most religions will promote inclusion and love and yet people would rather lose family members than have them do something that doesn't fit with their belief. It's not like you're a drug addict right?
It's important that you align yourself with your values and who you are and who you want to be.
If you want to talk further then please feel free to contact me, I coach people on many subjects exactly like this for a living.
Hi, i'm sorry about what happen with your fiancee's family.. thank you so much for sharing your story and thank you for your support i really appreciate it.
while reading the questions, i realize that i never asked my self about what i want to change to make myself happy, it was always about him and my family.
I'm gonna answer those questions and put my thoughts together and hopefully i will find the right path to go through.
i'll keep in touch and thanks again for your support.
scared that I'm going to lose him or even end up going back down the path I promised my mother I wasn't going...
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