My husband always expects me to be on my best behavior although I have depression

I got married when I was 24, we met at work, I had a history of depression and he knew that. I was emotionally abused as a child by a mentally ill close relative and a uncaring mother. My depression started when I was 18, I spend several years in therapy at that time. My husband proposed after one year of dating and we moved to another country, once we were married he got mad every time I was upset, sad or angry he pretty much expected not to show any negative emotion. Life was really difficult I had a child so I could not leave. Many times I just wonder why he married me he should have married an unemotional person, he wanted to date me, I was working under him, he proposed to me, I didn't even think marriage but I accepted. He knew how I was when he was dating me. I was never loved as a child so I was blind. Did he just marry me to see me suffer ?

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  • So sorry to hear how things have been for you / still are for you. Maybe your husband naively thought that once you were married you would feel loved and that would be enough to make your depression magically go away?

  • People have this false fantasy that once they marry, they will change their spouse to fit their ideals. Wrong move...never worked, never will.

  • I am sorry to read about how your husband treats you, sounds as though he tries to control you. You have had a really bad experience in life, due to that you suffer emotions which he thinks you not. Maybe he is trying to make you strong by getting mad with you but this is impacting on you emotional well being. Goodness me if you never showed your feelings you would have no personality 😊 The question you need to ask is - do you love your husband? If the answer is no, are you strong enough to leave him? This is far from straightforward, do you support from anyone, do you have a close friend to confide in? I personally have lived for years with a man who was a dictator, my sons have all suffered emotionally too. If I knew then what I know now I would have left him but with 3 children and no money it was not possible. My husband had a difficult upbringing which was why he behaved as he did. I am still with him but sometimes I do feel that I no longer know who the real me is. Contact me anytime if you need support. You do not deserve to suffer 🤗🤗xxx

  • Marriage is a lot of work and even moreso for those of us who aren't 💯 with their mental health. It cannot be easy on our spouses but we do require more support than the average person. Three years ago when I had my first big break down my partner rode it out with me but he gave me a hard time about it because he found it ultra stressful. I believe he smoked twice as much during that time! Once I was back to " normal me" he told me that he wouldn't be able to take it if it happens again. I believe he even suggested he would leave. A month ago I had a panic attack out of the blue that has lead to severe anxiety, again, and he only knows about the panic attack and not the subsequent suffering. It sucks to deal on my own but I know his vibe would only make it worse for me if he knew. A support network is important. Has anyone given you any solid helpful advice?

  • I'm really sorry to hear this.you say it was after you got married he started to behave different when you got sad and angry, and you moved away, and he knew what you were like before you got married. It sounds as though he could be emotionally abusing you also, and you sound like you feel trapped because you have a child?

    I know emotional abuse too as I suffered for 17 years wth my ex partner and another 6 since I left him. It's very subtle. But if you're in a loving healthy relationship, your partner wouldn't want to see you sad or upset and would want to help you, not get angry with you. In your post there just seem to be a few red flags for me about your husband. Sorry if I have the wrong idea. Sometimes, if someone knows your emotional weaknesses they also know the buttons to press to trigger them. I have no idea why someone would do that deliberately but some people do.

    Do you have a circle of friends or a social outlet away from your husband with people you could talk to about this? When you moved to another country did you have close friends that you had to leave?

    It sounds like you're not getting a lot of support from your marriage and you even question why he married you, which sounds as though he's not done a great deal for your confidence. Again sorry if I'm wrong.

    What you have been thorough is heartbreaking and you have come through it and are fighting on, you're strong and resilient. You shouldn't feel downtrodden with the man you love, and You deserve to be cared for and looked after, and supported and you need to feel able to express your feelings with your husband.

    Please pm me if you want to chat xx here if you need me :)

  • I too married a man who changed after we married. We had lived together for 6 months before marrying and he managed to be lovely and kind for those 6 months. I left after 9 months of marriage, with my son from a previous marriage. I feel so guilty that I put my son through firstly a divorce from his father then that horrible second husband. You don't mention which country you are living in and the age of your child. You have to consider your options - is it worth staying, is the atmosphere damaging your child, would you be happier and calmer without a man in your life? I'm 66 now and think I should have stayed single after my first divorce until my son was an adult. There are women's refuge associations which I have volunteered with in the past; they really do care. You need to make a plan if you think you want to leave. Take care of yourself.

  • Hi there, your Marriage sounds awful, can I ask why you stay,? if you are Depressed you will find it hard to recover in a Marriage like yours.

    Maybe you are for Financially dependent on him.

    Hannah

  • I live in the United States, I worked for years but not anymore, here we have health insurance through employers mine through my husbands, I have not been able to find a job since a very long time, having health insurance is critical for me so being unemployed and without medical care would put me in a worse situation.

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