My husband is depressed

[Janey79uk]

My husband is suffering with depression. He has been on medication for a while and has started seeing a counsellor. He has left me and his 2 young children and is apathetic to everyone and everything. I don't know how to help him, it is destroying me.

[Ronnie12]

Hi - I do know how u are feeling - I was in the same place 3 and a half years ago. I know u want to help him - but he needs to help himself. U need to be strong for u and for the kids. He is a grown man and if he continues with medication and therapy he will find himself in a better place to come back to u and be there for his family. He is overwhelmed with the responsibility to be strong and responsible when his illness is making him feel the total opposite. Take care of yourself and keep on top of things so u can help put your family back together when he returns. Be honest with the kids and say dad is poorly - that he loves them but can't be around right now. Let them write chatty letters and draw pictures - send them on and don't expect a reply - he will know u there for him without the pressure - he will feel worse seeing u so upset so he has made it easier for himself by leaving - not selfish when it's his illness making his decisions. He knows u are strong enough to manage and wait for him. Be strong. Take care.

[Hidden]

Hey, I have suffered as well and I'm on heavy meds. Not sure what you can do apart from being there for him and listening to him.

With me nothing matters to me, I think my family would be better off with out me. Maybe he is the same, my children have held me together.

You need to speak to him, one on one and find out what he is feeling without getting upset. I have been ill for years and still can't talk to my wife as I'm scared it will upset her to much. Maybe get the children to take him out and show him how much they need him and love him.

I wish you luck

Craig

[Presley58]

I'm so sad for you. It is very difficult indeed to cope with a close relative with depression.

Firstly, there is nothing you can do for him, he has to do it for himself. He has taken the first steps already. All you can do is get on with your life as best you can and give him the space to sort himself out. You can tell him that you love him and ask if there is anything you can do, but you can't do any more.

You have to guard against his mental health issues impacting on your mental health. You have two young children to care for and they need you whole. I suggest focusing on them and on your own life. I also suggest getting some counselling for yourself to help you through this.

Perhaps the best approach for you is to assume that your husband has gone for good (horrible and painful, I know) so that you can make your own life and that of your children as good as possible.

Good luck, I hope it all works out one way or another sooner rather than later. xx

[sgbmandy]

Ow bless you this has touched me as a sufferer myself and the best thing for him is your support, he's left you to protect you and he is in a very dark place at the moment and cant see your guidance as a way out at the moment. Keep on trying. But like the others say he has to do it himself, my sister I law is in the same place as you he wont listen to her, she loves him dearly but he pushes her away. I think for a man to suffer its a weakness to them they feel they've let you down they are the stronger sex, but they are made of the same stuffing as us women and have feelings and worry just the same, they just dont portray it in the same way as us females. Bless him, your doing all you can being there and caring, you have 2 young children and yourself to take care off, your suffering too and people on here are here for you as well, keep trying and maybe he will accept your help, but he has to accept his illness take a step of faith and fight for himself he will pull through more so with your strength too, I'm sending you a massive big hug just for you you amazing woman keep strong were all here for you your precious babies and your husband too , maybe show him this amazing site he is not alone nor are you, take care thinking of you xxx mandy😊

[Findingme]

Depression is a downwards spiral, and if allowed to progress you can become totally out of touch with reality. Although you want to ignore life, if you have to get out of bed for someone, it makes you have to engage with other people and carry on. Your husband may be thinking he is doing you a favour by leaving, and not being around you whilst he deals with this, but having the children for a regular visit might be enough to force him to clean the house, to get up, to look after himself. It would also give you a chance to take time out for yourself. Is it possible to arrange this?

Treat your husband as an adult, maybe one with an illness but not someone totally useless. Expect him to live up to his responsibilities as you would have to if you were depressed. Explain to him that the children need him to be there for them and he must not dwell on his problems whilst they are with him. He can have the rest of the week, and his counseling appointments to do that. It is too easy to walk away from life, and it can be a long hard road back if you get too used to being totally selfish again.

[Janey79uk]

Thank you all so much. I have tried so hard to make him see what he is throwing away....he has been on sertraline since July and 3 weeks ago got the dosage doubled....it is making no difference at all 😢 I know that I can help him but I get so frustrated I keep telling him I'm walking away. It's not fair. We have been together 20 years since we were 16 and I can't believe he just walked out. I am on anti depressants and I am in a really good place so I'm struggling to understand how he is feeling...I'm out of my depth. Thank you all so much for reading and replying to me.

[Pippa_2015]

Hey. Sorry to hear your hubby is suffering.

I think as a sufferer it really helps when people help with the basics you can't do. Sometimes it's a bowl of healthy home made soup or someone to say let's go out for a little walk. I found it harder when I brought others down , it makes you feel even worse so try and understand it's an illness like epilepsy is an illness . The illness does pass but can return . Try and not get so upset and just think he's not well and how can I help. Help him to excerise and eat properly and take multi vitamins ie omega 3. It's very hard and it's taken me years to understand and accept it . Google what helps relieve depression and softly and kindly help him to do things which relieve it. At his worst he may just need help with eating and drinking water , it all depends on what level he is at .

It will help him enormously your love for him. A helpful book to understand the very basic which is out now is "reasons to live" by matt haig. I would recommend getting that as a start to understanding depression. Xxx

[Hidden]

Sorry for your situation

It is very hard for people looking into a relationship that is been smothered by a mental health problem. When we get in our forties or later people can start looking back on their lives and wonder where they have come from and where life is dragging them to.

Sometimes these thoughts of work and family can become a problem for many who have now got a family and all associated worries. Work can cause stress and worry as He may be concerned about His work condition.

Personal problems that have come to the fore may have just taken Him to the edge, that could show as an apathetic condition that needs to be addressed. Many people with depression loose all interest in life and that can make family angry and confused

You say He has moved out and is on medication. It may be an idea to give him time and let the treatments take their course. Talk to your family GP and explain your concern, if not already. If you are still in contact with your Husband, explain to him you are there for him and eventually hopefully He will come back around to you and family, He needs time most probably to pull himself around and talking out a problem may be best talked out by someone who is not as close as a family.

One thing you can ask your GP if it could be arranged for you to attend a session at your Husband agreement.

Where is He living, with family members ??.

BOB

[Janey79uk in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply, he is living with his parents who I am extremely close too.

His job is a huge part of the problem. He is a criminal solicitor and his job is going through some major changes. I am frustrated that he has walked away from me and his children and is still working all hours. I know that sounds so selfish but he is treating me so badly and I don't know how much more I can take.

[Hidden in reply to Janey79uk]

Hello Janey

You say that you are close to His Parents, is there any way you can get through to them and could they explain the situation as they see it to you.

I would imagine they will be very concerned as it will be upsetting their Grandchildren.

Can you work with them, they may be able to make a gap so you can approach your Husbands worries and concerns. Does He need that support, that Wife and family can give.

Can you give him support and address some of His worries. Changes in work practice can be very worrying if it is threatening family and Wife, He may need that support

We are around for you, here

BOB

[Findingme in reply to Janey79uk]

Ok, so he is depressed and receiving counseling but can still manage to go to work as a criminal solicitor, which means he is responsible for other people's lives. It sounds more as if he is picking and choosing what he can and cannot do. I can understand that maybe everything has got on top of him and you as an adult may have to deal with that and let him take some time out, but his kids cannot be expected to also.

He still is responsible for his kids well being and has to do something about it. Maybe he can start with taking them to the park for a few hours at the weekend, or turn up to a football match. It will do him good to keep some routine in his life, and spend time doing something ordinary. The two of you staying civilized with each other will help them immensely too. You will need to talk to arrange contact visits, and this will show them that even when adults have problems they can deal with them maturely.

I personally do not think it a good idea to go into detail about Dad's illness to the kids. Can you come up with some other reason for his absence? Telling them he is ill can be scary, and they may get alarmed and start suffering from anxiety. It may help him too to put his cares aside for a few hours and just enjoy their company. Of course if you are in any doubt that he is not safe to be around the children you should act accordingly, but then if he is this bad should he be going in to work? If he is that unstable he needs more than counseling.

If he does get better and wants to try again with you then continuing to see the children may save them from having to deal with Dad disappearing, then returning, maybe only to disappear again if things do not work out. Whether or not the relationship is truly over, he will still be their Dad, even if you and he are not together.

[Findingme in reply to Janey79uk]

Why is the job so important to him? Have you got an enormous mortgage? Has he looked into changing to a less demanding job? Or has the job become an escape from the home situation?

If you have looked into all ways of reducing pressure on him, and taken responsibility for your part in everything and made changes, then it is basically now up to him to sort himself out. If he is not telling you everything, and rejects family counseling, then there is little you can do except focus on your own needs.

I would drop the kids off at his parents house and go out for a day with friends, before you too are losing it.

[genuinelady2]

let him go, being depressed is difficult to handle. Let him handle it, you will get a better person once he is under the proper care for himself.