I Dropped Out of College…

[DiZia]

I dropped out of college.

I was late to class, and I was standing in the corridor listening to the teacher read out the register. I couldn't go into the classroom.

I made my way downstairs, then outside into the main area of the college.

Then a classmate walks past, and says she's going to class, and that I should come with her.

We get back up to that corridor, and as she goes into class, I linger outside. Then my tutor for another lesson was there, and told me I should head in class. Says I have to go into class to be on the course, obviously.

I tell her I want to withdraw from the course. I really didn't.

But I had to admit that I can't go into class everyday. And to complete the course, I need a 95% attendance rate. I've suffered from depression for almost a decade, on some days, I find it difficult to even get out of bed.

Then the there was all the drama with my student loans. I needed somebody I had known for 2 years and that I'm not related to, to fill it in. I LITERALLY do not know anybody like that. I asked everyone. My doctors, they said they don't do references. My social worker, but she doesn't work there anymore. Family friends. Nobody wanted to help.

Then there's the anxiety…

Being terrified of class everyday. Not having anybody to hang out with during breaks. Even then, not being able to communicate.

I hate myself for this.

I've been feeling suicidal, and these actions are my plans to kind of commit suicide without really doing so, you know? Giving up on life.

I'm obese, and I'm tired of looking like this. I've been around 272lbs-274lbs for WEEKS now.

I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of being anxious. I'm tired of being me.

I'm so tired.

[traisee]

DiDiZia your college should be committed to helping people with mental health issues. Go to them tomorrow and tell them what's happening. They can help you negotiate the system.

Self-destruction is not the answer. You need to do something for yourself and college is a great place to start. It's horrible not having anyone to talk to and it's horrible being unhappy with your weight but if you don't try to go back then you'll have let this illness take another thing away from you.

Go and talk to them. Take a book and go to a cafe at the college every day at the same time. Someone will notice you're a regular and start a conversation, eventually. Right now you just have to get up again, get out again, and have another go. Give yourself something - the cafe and the book are a great place to start, and they work outside of college as well.

Lovey 272-274 isn't worth this upset and self-destruction.Consider it a win that you can see you need to do something about it. Consider it a win that you turned up here and wrote. Consider it a win that it's not 372!

Here's an idea: get some sleep. And change one thing tomorrow: even if it's when you open the curtains. Start small. It all counts.

Sleep tight, see you again x, hugs and prayers, t

[DiZia in reply to traisee]

Unfortunately, the withdrawal has most likely already gone through. Also, there's the problem with the student loans. I have no references, meaning that will not go through. It's the end of my education now, I'm guessing. That's it, I think.

I'm really disappointed. I'm not surprised everything has gone wrong, it never goes right. It all started with the student loans and lack of ID. This entire process has been incredibly stressful. £30 later and several weeks of worry, and this is where I am.

There's no point in even trying anymore. I'm drained. That's it. This is it. There's nothing more I can give.

Thanks for the advice. I'll try moving on.

[DiZia]

Good luck on college.

I've never had any career dreams. I've known since I was a child that I wouldn't become successful. They say you can roughly tell what a person will be like and achieve by 7. I don't know if that's true of everybody, but it definitely is for me.

[tofler]

Things sound really tough for you at the moment and you sound very low. Is there any chance you can contact college to check if your withdrawal has gone through yet? If it hasn't gone through, please ask them to stop it and tell them that you need some help with your mental health and your student loan. Things are rough for you at the moment but they can get better. I don't believe that stuff about "you can tell by the age of 7....", that's a load of rubbish!

[traisee]

I agree with tofler . You need to go to the college and see if it's gone through. Talk to them and tell them the struggles you're having - both mental and logistical/financial. If you explain first that you have a context for your rough time, they should be able to break down the steps and find ways to help you get past all the rules.

And yes that stuff about "by the age of seven" is a load of rubbish. You've got a choice, today: you can be right, and it can all be ended, or you can go ask, and take a positive step. Not trying will mean you're making sure it's over.

You sound like you're frightened of going and it will be easier if you can find excuses for how it didn't work out. But you sound like there's a conflict there and that deep down somewhere you actually would really like to be at college.

Think about this weekend, when you look back on today and what you did to make it right. Get yourself up and out and go to the college and ask them. Whatever the result, you'll know that you took a step to try to make it better. Good luck.

[Findingme]

Are you sure college is the answer for you right now. If yes, then go and pester the heck out of them to resolve these issues. However maybe deep down you need time to address other issues. If so then stop beating yourself up as there is nothing wrong with leaving college if that is your choice. Perhaps you have been told that not going makes you a failure. Wrong. Going to college is an option. Other options might include choosing a low paid job that leaves you free to not push yourself, although to be honest most low paid jobs tend to be quite hard and you get pushed around by greedy bosses. But sometimes we need time to get our heads around what we are doing and why. Have a think about why you might want to go to college and if it will be worth pushing through the anxiety. Btw, if you cannot tackle your weight and go to college, then so what. You can always lose weight later. You are much more than your waistline.