Hi all. First time post.
I have struggled all my life with depression interspersed with short periods of mania which seem to just be irritation and short temper. There are often periods of neutral feelings of normality for maybe a week or two and in the past there could have been periods of a few months of normality.
As I've got older I've found that the relative mild highs and crushing lows happen much quicker and last for shorter periods. The high periods are not manic but I feel heightened emotions and tension and also a sort of acute mental sharpness, is the best way I can put it, that is missing when I'm low. I can be very creative and productive when high but can make mistakes due to physically working far too quickly. This has meant that working as part of a team is exhausting emotionally.
Having poor self esteem and a thin skin doesn't help either. I've tried exercise which does help but when I'm in a low mood I find gyms and sports clubs a living nightmare due to being surrounded by alpha type people with bulletproof confidence who quickly write me off as a basket case. I sense low self confidence in other people which I find repellent too so I can appreciate why normal people just won't tolerate me being around them.
I wish I could find a middle ground for my moods for longer than a token amount of time. Even just a period of a few months at a time of a level mood would improve my life immensely which had been nearly stagnant since my late teens.
I've been to the doctors who got me referred to a councillor who did her best to help me and tried to refer me to a psychiatrist which didn't happen, I don't know why.
When I was younger I thought "I'll get through this, it WILL end someday and I'll be fine," however after over 20 years of mood swings and bouncing along the bottom of the happiness scale, completely unfulfilled, I'm now fearful of the future as I approach middle age.