I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a male, 26, in unskilled work that I'm not proud of.
I seem unable to form friendships, although I've come to realise that I'm not a bad person, so that's not the reason.
I did very well at school, got straight As, top of the class etc. I tried to avoid people at school, except one friend who I'd talk to. My life since school hasn't panned out as teachers and parents said it would.
I've struggled with my mood and feeling low all my life. As a kid I was too shy and embarrassed to have any hobbies, and if I'm honest that continues almost unchanged to this day.
I struggled with university, completely unable to pay attention in lectures, easily sidetracked by wondering what other people thought of me, unable to get sufficient sleep, utter exhaustion, nil motivation to do work, just to come out alive with a degree was my goal. I did it at long last albeit with a poor grade. I would have terrible difficulty in studying or trying to focus on the work to the point where I virtually couldn't study, so it's a wonder I made it at all. Since leaving university I've been unable to get a relevant job but was pushed by parents into the old job I used to have as a high school teenager, which was some come-down and I have been stuck in that latest rut for a year now. In the middle of my uni time I did a 14 week social anxiety course where, near the end of the 14 weeks, the psychiatrist taking the group had it said that I/me, did not have social anxiety ....which confused me more because I understood that to be my main problem at college/uni.
I've applied with great difficulty for a few jobs last year, and for the past 7 months I've been trying to make a single application to a university for a Master's degree which I just cannot seem to complete. Very slow progress. At one point the application timed out and deleted - so I'd to start all over again. It involves so many things. Any project scares the hell out of me and feels like a huge mountain to climb - and I have no belief in my ability to complete such simple tasks as these. For example, reapplying for a membership of something, which itself requires referees, which means asking my current boss, who I'm intimidated by and can't speak to, and I don't think he likes me. I hide these problems, which consume much of my time, from family. They don't give a shit. They're tied up with their own issues, always were. When talking to people, my thoughts are like a tree and I get side-tracked down an inappropriate branch leading to me forgetting the initial point! Often I just completely forget where I was - this leads me to sometimes butt into peoples' conversations so that I can get it said before I inevitably forget.
I'm lonely, bury my head in the sand to avoid reality by spending hours browsing the internet, feel stuck, unable to focus or carry through with simple tasks that require any concentration or coordination. I do list after list and they just make me feel more guilty when I find them weeks later, undone. It's not that I'm depressed enough to have no feelings. I still have emotions. Nothing gets me as excited as I was as a kid on Christmas morning (which I think is normal!) but I can appreciate nice things like music or nature, and I can empathise with anyone, for example on deaths, on the news or in films, or with other peoples' issues. I do get mildly excited too sometimes, and try to keep my mood stable by looking out for beauty in nature constantly ... because ofc I also get very down at times.
My sleep issues are that I usually can't get to sleep until I'm completely exhausted, and often wake up through the night. After a certain point though, say 7am, I fall into a deep sleep and struggle terribly to get out of bed. Even after 8 hours of sleep I am drowsy and could carry on sleeping all day. It's hard to get out of bed when I don't have early shifts at work. When I do have early shifts at work, I am lucky to get 3 hours sleep and then I crash when I come home, and then cannot sleep until beyond 3am that night.
Sorry for this rambling 'piece'. It's the train of thought. I don't know if I should seek GP help because I have reason not to trust her. The last thing I want is to have nothing wrong with me and make a fool of myself. I may be just lazy. But I'm coming to believe that after all my huge efforts over the years, there's something definitely not working right in me.
Is there anything wrong with me?