My Life Isn't Happening

[Minileah1218]

Today is a bad friggen day. I honestly want to die rn and I don't even have the strength to keep going. I want a reason to live besides my best friend. She can't be with me rn, so it's kinda hard for me to feel happiness w/o her. I never feel suicidal when I'm with her... it's so weird. When we're away from each other, all I can think about is hurting myself. On a daily basis though I feel as if im outside of my body, and life isn't actually happening. I feel like I'm not even in the room. I just want a reason to f'ing live.

[Hidden]

Miniileah offensive language (including swear words) are banned by Health Unlocked. Can you please amend your post accordingly. Please refer to the link. Thank you. Lil x

healthunlocked.com/mental-h...

[sliverofsun]

Hello again,

May I ask what you desire from life? Perhaps it's time to face the hungry ghost instead of trying to avoid it, time to delve into potential culprits within your mind? Why did you start hating yourself? If you were an outsider looking in on this person (yourself), would you see a reason to hate them? Your friend doesn't hate you, and you probably bare your soul to them. So then, perhaps identifying this desperation as an irrational feeling is the first step.

Be kind to yourself, my friend. That's something we all forget to do; be our own friend.

[Minileah1218 in reply to sliverofsun]

I desire to see life as being a beautiful thing. All I see is it being a chore to keep living. I started hating myself a long time ago bc people kept abandoning me, so I figured it had something to do with the way I was acting. I hate everything about myself. I look at myself with disgust bc I know that nobody could ever love me, including myself. I guess if I was outside of my body I wouldn't hate me, but for some reason I still find a way to hate myself otherwise. I can't even be my own friend bc I honestly can't stand the sight of myself half the time.

[sliverofsun in reply to Minileah1218]

Life, even to those who aren't like us, is both beautiful and horrifying. However, unlike us, they can see the positivity of it. I've faced similar situations; I feel as though people kept abandoning me, but, in reality, I was shutting them out. In the loneliness, despite being hard to find solace, I could see myself and I could feel the disconnection in my head. A titan wall made of solid steel, keeping me from enjoying even the simplest moments, keeping me from making connections with those I love.

Do you feel the same way? Like there's a wall in your mind?

Self-loathing began in childhood, being aware of how different I was and feeling that people kept at bay. I've been a harsh critic of myself my whole life, do you know what I mean? I can feel myself being kind towards others, but I can't seem to allow that for myself, and then I rely on others to give me that missing piece.

There are people who love me, surprisingly enough. I don't doubt there are also people who love you. In the end, I live on for them, and I try to understand myself for them, I try to silence the thoughts enough to remember that there's a chance for me. I still have hope that I'll feel true joy someday, even if it's for a fleeting second. I've had dreams since childhood that I wish to pursue.

Do you have dreams?

[Minileah1218 in reply to sliverofsun]

I connect with the self loathing. I used to be extremely confident, now I truly hate myself. I do have dreams. I want to be a beauty guru on YouTube & a model. Those are my mains I strive to do.

[sliverofsun in reply to Minileah1218]

I apologize for the late reply. Things with the family have been a bit hectic.

May I ask what you mean? You say you connect with the self-loathing? Would you say that you always had this? Or did it emerge at a later point in your life? Would you be willing to explore that time of your life? Maybe find a potential culprit or culprits? I've been reading different articles about anxiety and depression, they are often connected to self-loathing, and more often they are connected to our interpretation (or misinterpretation of certain events). Finding a cause might help in planning out a strategy to defuse such feelings in the future.

Both a guru and a model? That's an impressive aspiration, and I hear it could really impose its head on self-esteem. Have you ever posted videos on Youtube? What's been the response? I myself am terrible at putting on makeup, but when I do, I have to admit, I feel a bit "safer", as far as the potential judgements I assume other people might have of me. However, I might be wrong to assume people judge me at all XD

[Minileah1218 in reply to sliverofsun]

My self loathing happened when my depression started 5yrs ago. Oh and I haven't posted on YT just yet; I'm waiting to get a mic first. I absolutely love doing my makeup! It's so much fun. It's the only thing that keeps me sane besides music lol.

[sliverofsun in reply to Minileah1218]

I'm surprised you're able to pinpoint how long ago your depression began. Would you be able to pinpoint how you felt back then in contrast to how you feel now?

So you're definitely in the process of posting soon, right? That sounds pretty awesome! You should be proud of your confidence!

Music is really quite something. May I ask what kind of music you listen to? My interests go anywhere from Missy Elliot to classical, to Studio Ghibli, to Electronic, etc.

~back to it

[Minileah1218 in reply to sliverofsun]

I listen to all things. Paramore, Highly Suspect, 80s, Zara Larsson, Ariana Grande, R5, etc. They’ve all gotten me through some hard times lol

[Minileah1218 in reply to sliverofsun]

I have a love for classical too. It’s so beautiful 😍

[Hidden in reply to Minileah1218]

How are you going ..Just saying hi..I can relate to you