Lost in a world of no answers ...

[Jadora12]

I was 13 when my anxiety started, for years I suffered severly with it and didn't know what it was. I went through periods of crucial pain were I physically could not go to school some days or go on days out I had planned many month in advance it was always upsetting to miss out because the pain felt like I was dying. For years I seeked doctors advice were I was only told I just had ibs and blood tests confirmed nothing wrong perfectly fine but the worries and pain stayed with me. Overall a background of my life doesn't seem terrible, I was raised normal given free holidays up until to age 22 not rich neither struggling poor, bullied once to 3 times in my life. My skin condition (acne) only bothering me much more now I'm in my 20's than it did in school. I remember a kid asking me why didn't my skin bother me why I didn't wear makeup to hide it I told them it didn't bother me but not long after I then started wearing makeup now it's something I won't do without unless I'm on holiday. My dad is was not sure a drunk seasons come and go sometimes he loves me sometimes he just physically wants to damage me and he has done once before! I try not to be scared anymore but I know maybe one day if I stick up for what's right and he's that deranged I wouldn't be surprised if he accidently beat me to death. He'd soon regret it but he doesn't realise he has problems. Through the years I've gotten worse I don't know if it's dePression but I've had medication for it before I'm not sure if it worked I'm not sure I felt any different but I'll always hate my life. My boyfriend doesn't see why I have issues no one really does not even a doctor can give me an answer I was hoping it would be bipolar I felt I related to that somewhat since I have suffered from mood swings from 13 along side the anxiety and bad I've gotten old my temper and urge to snap worse and worse to where I have physically lashed out only yesterday I felt my world was falling apart I snatched to grab things in anger ready to throw but then quickly stopped and calmed down by my boyfriend. The thing is if I had broken them things I would of felt worse and cried because I worked hard to earn them but in the heat of the moment it feels like I want to do nothing else but. A lot of times I feel pushed into realistic position and fly out of control to only realise the question was only simple but I can't help but react like a bomb going off sometimes so trapped I cut myself to punish myself because I'm a bad person (it's only myself telling myself that) my boyfriend says I cry I scream I cut I crave help and through all doctors and therapists I feel like no one cares enough to help me try killing myself more and more as years go by it's never enough for me to go hopital but telling my therapist orb doctors still not being helped being told I need to rethink the way I think as if it's so simple. All this is pretty much the same ho ever I've learned how to control my anxiety but since returning from holiday less than a week ago I feel a relapse I wonder into work scared worried on the verge of tears because I want nothing more that to stay in my room and not leave my house even though I Fucking hate my room sometimes but often part of me is not satisfied with my life whereas another half doesn't mind I often talk about wanting To go back in time to when I felt most happiest but even so it's probably only that it was easier then because having a job puts me in impossible positions I have to hide my troubles away until I get home and break everyone I love to bits because I'm broke but I can hide all of that just avoid the pitty and weakness in work. Money seems to be a problem in my relationship because I seem to waste it because it makes me happy but I'm not in trouble and my boyfriend says my spending habits are irresponsible. I don't really have many friends no ones really wanted to be a close friend with me often there not loyal anyway... i just wish I knew what was wrong with me

Sorry for a lot of writing but I want to know your thoughts and opinions with as much information as I can.

[Hidden]

Hi Jadora12 nice to meet you and a big welcome to the site. I am sure some of our lovely members will be in shortly to help.

Meantime have a look round the site as there is lots of good info and many links for help. Please also take a bit of time to familarise yourself with the site guidelines which you will find in the pinned posts. Thank you. Lil x

[Hope02]

I'm new to this site and I don't really know how it all completely works, what you're meant to say and what you don't. But please be assured that I care. All of us on here will stand with you, as corny as it sounds. Things may feel like they have spiralled out of control, but you can fix it.

I hope someone else replies soon for your sake, giving much better advice than I can. Perhaps go back to your GP, or see a new doctor to get a new perspective. How was your holiday? Can you think back to how relaxed you felt and try and channel that? You need to think of your anxiety and depression as separate from yourself and like a VS battle in your head, that you cannot let them win. Do you have any hobbies that you can use as a distraction or a getaway? Distance yourself from alcohol or try and reduce your intake.

Sorry for being absolutely no use whatsoever. But, I really hope your situation improves. That you find that confidence to be like "up yours" to the problems in your life. Well done for writing what you have, it takes guts.

Bye