Feeling so low

[xBeex]

Hey community. I'm new here.

I've been depressed for a while but never looked to get help.

Back in 2012 I did try but the GP was very dismissive and I never went back.

I'm due to visit the GP tomorrow morning and extremely nervous.

I finally decided to take the step to seek help because my behavior has begun to turn erratic. I left the country for 8 weeks and lied to friends and family as to were I was.

Some days I feel so over whelmed and since being back I can no longer handle how I'm feeling. I can't bare to face people anymore. I've never felt this low before.

It feels night times are worse than the days. I can't sleep. I can't eat.

I'm not to sure what I hope to gain from this post but maybe to feel like I'm not so alone. Maybe some advice on how to handle these feelings.

[DMM218]

You're not alone. There is always someone about. You seem so worried, sad and lonely. It's awful to be so down all the time. Sometimes when we ask for help we aren't heard. But hopefully things will start to get better soon.

You've done the right thing being on here. It's also very important to see your GP tomorrow and explain exactly how you are feeling. It's hard because you just want to get help but you aren't able to ask for it. Part of that may be depression. It does really strange things to us. I'm often left struggling for words and thoughts when I have to speak to GP just because I'm stressed.

It's so frustrating. But, also not as you just give up inside. All part of the condition and how your brain is affected.

If you are struggling to get some sleep try and do an activity to distract you from your thoughts. Despite what we think our thoughts come and go and only have any worth if we act on them. At the moment the depression means most of your thoughts aren't a real reflection of your life. Depression makes our perspective just focus on the negative and it's difficult not to believe it. But you can get better with the right help and support.

Let me know how you get on tomorrow and take care. The doctor has to treat you - it's his job/duty.

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

Thank you so much for your kind words. The loneliness is the hardest part. I have no one around me. No support system.

I get so tongue tied too. I wrote all my feelings down on a piece of paper incase I say forget it and pretend I'm there for something else.

I do want to get better and I've taken the first steps to trying. I joined a volunteer group to help in the community café. And force myself to get outside.

[DMM218 in reply to xBeex]

Just take things easy aswell - don't push yourself on. Many many people have this illness. You'd be surprised - maybe even your GP is on antidepressants! It's a horrible illness that robs you of your sense of self. This is why it's important to keep socializing in some way.

It's likely GP will prescribe meds. They do work but takes about a month to kick in. Ask GP about anything else such as counseling, support groups and therapy such as CBT. Meds alone won't give you full recovery but they help a huge amount.

It will work out but it takes time. Use this site, I'm on it lots always trying to help. The more we share about the illness the less scary it seems. And here you're not going to be patronized or not listened to and heard.

[DMM218 in reply to DMM218]

Also get blood test as some depression symptoms can be things like vitamin deficiency or thyroid problems.

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

Thank you for all your advice. I try not to force myself to do anything but I felt socialising is the one thing I shouldn't give up.

I always feel better but the night times it feels like it is at its worse. I am isolated daily. And it's taking its toll.

[DMM218 in reply to xBeex]

Yes- it's the quietness etc try and distract those mean stupid negative thoughts that awful depression keeps putting in your head. Do something like a crossword or that- if you can use brain in different way than normal thoughts it helps break it.

My meds took those thoughts away, occasionally they return if extremely stressed but it felt like I was thinking like a normal person again. And boy, when they go you realize how bad it was and the effort it must have taken for your brain to do anything.

Best of luck.

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

That's exactly how I feel. I'll find myself wondering around in the quite. Sometimes I'll stand out front just to get out the house. And to hear some kind of noise or I'll leave the TV on as background noise to quite the deafening silence at night.

Thank you.

[DMM218 in reply to xBeex]

Yes it's not great psychologically being so alone. I've got two dogs so they make some noise. That helps to keep me from going crazy hearing nothing.

[DMM218]

Do u have trouble sleeping?

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

Yes. I own a Fitbit and on average it says I sleep 2 - 3 hours a night.

It's gotten really bad. I didn't sleep at all Tuesday. Was awake for over 24 hours. And yesterday I slept for an hour.

I'm not eating either. I have no appetite at all. I've lost a stone in the space of 8 weeks.

[DMM218 in reply to xBeex]

Yes you defo need help - the dr should do blood test but insist if not. I seem to get tired earlier in evening and if I don't nap then I seem to get thru it and then can't sleep until 2am. Though I can sleep for Scotland. I've had many many months of just sleeping 20 hrs a day. So now I get up early with the dogs and stay up. It's funny how depression can affect people different ways. I'm miss unmotivated but I've known others who can't stay still and are awake 24/7.

Obviously sleep deprivation will make symptoms worse re mental fog and anxiety levels. Depression is something circular feeding off itself. But it can be stopped and turned round.

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

I get do jittery. Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't sit still I'll spend as much time outside as I physically can as I hate being indoors. Wednesday just gone I took it upon myself at 4am to throw out everything in my home that I hadn't used in more than a month. Because I can't stand to be sitting in the house.

I hate this feeling. I get sad. This deep hurt in my heart that sometimes feels like he physically hurts. I start to cry. I'm always tired but can't sleep. My energy levels are constantly low. It's a horrible feeling and I've never felt this low before. Its scary how fast I've gone downhill. I normally get on it. Ignore the sadness but I honestly can't function. I'm struggling.

[DMM218 in reply to xBeex]

The intense emotional pain is the killer. I'm the opposite of you, barely moving, house a mess, I'm getting into hoarding territory. You and me could be like that show OCD cleaners sorting out the hoarding hell!

You are just responding to the flight or fight chemicals i of stress. Trying to do exercise may help but I feel it's relaxation you need. Not stopped by exhaustion which is current coping system. You need to deep relax and turn off so that body gets message you are no longer stressed. Have you tried any hypnotherapy? You can get online stuff to help calm you down- I say this but I've not checked for a while. But google it and I'm sure you tube will have something. It's worth a try - doesn't work on everyone but at least you are trying to physically relax.

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

I was where you was prior to leaving. When I came back I felt this massive urge to get rid of everything. I guess I was trying to get rid of my emotions and feelings but unsurprisingly it didn't work. I felt the same except I'm now in a home that feels like an empty home that doesn't feel like a home anymore.

Last thing you'd want is me around. We'd be the pair from hell. Me throwing everything out. You bringing it straight back in. ☺

I use to meditate but struggle greatly with doing so.

I'll definitely look into relaxation techniques. I'm willing to try anything. I hate feeling this way.

[DMM218 in reply to xBeex]

Yes, I've used some Paul McKenna CDs - haven't lost weight, quit smoking etc but they did relax me.

Sounds like you are ready for a fresh start. To get well, overcome those demons and start living the life you want instead of what family, society, the world thinks is right. Depression can be a great trigger for healthy change. That's what I'm aiming for. You do work out what's important to you through it.

I'm going off to my bed. Let me know how you get on tomorrow. X

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

I will do. Sleep well.

[DMM218]

Where did you go for your mad missing adventure. At my height of crazy I did a Britney and cut off my hair with wallpapering scissors.

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

I left the country for 8 weeks. I walked out my door one morning and boarded a plane. Lied to everyone about where I was going. That's when I realised I needed help.

I also cut my hair off. But not before dying it a crazy selection of colours.

I ended up going to the hair dressers to get it cut into something semi decent.

[DMM218 in reply to xBeex]

Done the mad hair dye too! God are we related?

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

Haha. I feel a lot better. I honestly thought it was just me doing off the wall things.

[DMM218 in reply to xBeex]

It's not actually that crazy just how other people react to it makes it seem crazy! It's just hair. But yes, in the world of normal I walk the line between ridiculous, foolish, mad and genius - but it's never dull!

[DMM218 in reply to xBeex]

Maybe the madness was in coming back! I wish I could just leave it all - but I think my problems would still be around me somehow.

[xBeex in reply to DMM218]

It didn't help. I feel I had a break down. I had the same problems just in another country. The same can't eat, can't sleep. Sadness.

Running away didn't work as the problem is me.