Hi all,
had my phone call assessment with Inclusion Matters today. Had to struggle a lot to hold back tears when I started to open up about some of the major trauma events I've experienced. This was the first mental health professional I've told, ever. I didn't go in to detail about it, I'm not ready for that yet, but they know what happened.
The odd thing is, when I think about it in my head, sure it gets me down, but it never brings tears to my eyes, or bothers me for long. If I ever say anything about it out loud, even to myself, I can barely hold back from crying, and it just engulfs me in a blue, empty sad sensation. Same thing happens whenever I admit out loud how long I've struggled for, and been dismissed by different doctors and nurses for. It makes it too real and too painful to handle. The same thing happens if I write about it too, which is why I'm being so none-specific right now.
I like to tell myself I've got over it all, and that I've handled it, when in reality I've just locked it away and can't bear to think about it. She thinks I'm a good candidate for CBT so I've been put on the waiting list, and she thinks I need to push my GP for another chance with medication, which I plan on doing.
It's put a real downer on the rest of my day though. I always feel very lethargic and apathetic, so I'm used to it, but I can't handle the core pain that comes with making my problems real.
Just needed to get that out.
Sarah.