Almost opened the flood gates...

[Deaf_Havana]

Hi all,

had my phone call assessment with Inclusion Matters today. Had to struggle a lot to hold back tears when I started to open up about some of the major trauma events I've experienced. This was the first mental health professional I've told, ever. I didn't go in to detail about it, I'm not ready for that yet, but they know what happened.

The odd thing is, when I think about it in my head, sure it gets me down, but it never brings tears to my eyes, or bothers me for long. If I ever say anything about it out loud, even to myself, I can barely hold back from crying, and it just engulfs me in a blue, empty sad sensation. Same thing happens whenever I admit out loud how long I've struggled for, and been dismissed by different doctors and nurses for. It makes it too real and too painful to handle. The same thing happens if I write about it too, which is why I'm being so none-specific right now.

I like to tell myself I've got over it all, and that I've handled it, when in reality I've just locked it away and can't bear to think about it. She thinks I'm a good candidate for CBT so I've been put on the waiting list, and she thinks I need to push my GP for another chance with medication, which I plan on doing.

It's put a real downer on the rest of my day though. I always feel very lethargic and apathetic, so I'm used to it, but I can't handle the core pain that comes with making my problems real.

Just needed to get that out.

Sarah.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi Sarah, I feel it is very brave of you and a big step forward to have opened up a little to the mental health professional you spoke to today. It is true of course that these things are painful but think of it like a wasp sting (although I know it is worse than that) The poison is inside you the therapy can draw it out so it no longer hurts any more. Up till now you've been putting plasters on but today you had the courage to let someone have an idea of what that sting was like. Even though I don't know you I hope you don't mind me saying I am so proud of you that you were able to do that today. Yes you are exhausted, but you've done a positive thing today Sarah for your long term future. Hugs, and keep in touch, Gemmalouise X

[Deaf_Havana in reply to Stilltrying_]

Hi Gemmalouise,

You're right, it was a very big step for me. And that's a great analogy as one of my most painful experiences to date was being stung by a hornet so very fitting too! x

[MsSad]

Hi Sarah, I so know what you mean! You must feel drained and as you say it affected your whole day but hold on to the fact you made a major step forward today!

big bear hug to you

Nikki x

[Deaf_Havana in reply to MsSad]

Hi Nikki,

I managed to drop the thoughts after about an hour or so thankfully - and probably won't revisit them until I see the CBT therapist! But at least they're out there a little bit now. x

[Gambit62]

Glad you managed to talk about it.

The difference between talking about it and thinking about it may be the difference between being in your head and being in your heart. The heart is a place where tears to come. The head isn't. It isn't anything to do with weakness or even necessarily with being upset but it is about the way you are connecting with the events and with other people and that is where the tears come from, not the events and any real reaction to them.

This mindfulness 'meditation' may help in getting to a point where you can talk about it without crying. As you are talking about it focus in on the feelings that are coming in your body and just be aware of them - that is often enough to stop the burning in the eyes actually becoming tears.

[Deaf_Havana in reply to Gambit62]

That's an interesting idea - and similar to advice I often give others but never listen to myself - that you should let yourself feel what you need to instead of suppressing it! I should listen to myself more often ha.

[Hidden]

Hi

I am glad to hear you have been referred to Inclusion Matters as I know they have a really good reputation, in fact I was advised to contact them for that reason too.

Well done for finding the courage to talk about what has happened to you. It is difficult to talk about trauma especially for the first time, but it will get easier in time and you will find that over time it will help you and ease some of the painful and difficult feelings. You do not need to be specific here, no one will mind how general you are, you can write whatever you feel at your own pace and we will all support you as best we can - we have all been there and know how hard it can be to talk about how it feels.

No, you are right, thinking about trauma often doesn't bring the emotions until the trauma has been shared, whereas talking about it out loud even to yourself does. That is because when you talk about it out loud you take in what you hear as if you were hearing it from another person and of course it is sad so you FEEL about it which triggers your own internal pain. That is why sharing trauma is so important. Probably if you have had repeated trauma in your past then there will also be some dissociation too, in other words some emotions you will have cut off from long ago and they may only come back during therapy.

It sounds as though Inclusion Matters are going to offer you CBT? That can be helpful for some people in containing the feelings from trauma and making them more manageable but you may find afterwards that another form of therapy may be helpful in enabling you to process the feelings at a deeper level - what you call the core pain.

Sadly the NHS has cut the types of therapy that deal effectively with such trauma - I am trained as a therapist and used to work in that way but there are no longer the jobs available because of the trend towards very short term CBT and so I have retired. I do not know your circumstances but if you are able to afford private therapy then do so because you will be able to get the kind of therapy that will reach that core pain and enable it to be transformed in a way that will move you on fully from your past - the memories will still hurt and feel sad but you will not necessarily feel traumatised in the same way and you can be helped to feel a kind of acceptance and peace which will enable you to get on with your life. If you can afford private therapy you might look for someone who is psychodynamically trained from the UKCP register or BPAS (google them) but it is not cheap, maybe £40-50 per session. An alternative is to find someone trained in EMDR which is also helpful in enabling the processing of trauma. However I appreciate that you may not be able to afford private therapy in which case CBT on the NHS via Inclusion Matters will be a good first step. Your GP may suggest mild meds to help reduce the feelings a little and you will not need to be on them for a lifetime, but it can help alter things a little alongside therapy. At the end of CBT and after a few months if you are still struggling ask your GP to refer you for assessment for longer term therapy on the NHS as you are entitled to it and do not have to settle for medication long term.

Suexx

[Deaf_Havana in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sue,

I would love to be able to afford private therapy but unfortunately that's not financially an option. I originally did ask my GP for long term psychological therapy and was referred to a place that could have given me that - and was then turned away and told I didn't need it. The way the NHS works these days in terms of mental health support is horrendous in my opinion - unless you've recently attempted suicide or tried to hurt someone else, you aren't worth any kind of long term help. It can be very disheartening reaching out and specifying what you want and need then told you're wrong and not being given it.

x

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hi Sarah. Don't be hard on yourself - that's a huge and pretty brave thing to have done, being the first time you've told a professional. I think that's something of an achievement.

It is more "real" when you speak or write about something rather than just thinking about it. I think you have to go much deeper into the memories and emotions when you try to describe them to someone. Forces you to confront them in a much more immediate way, without the distance of intellectual thought.

I get the impression you feel like the things that have happened to you 'shouldn't' bother you, that you ought to have dealt with them and moved on. Is that a fair observation?

Sometimes locking emotions up can actually give them greater power over you. It's not necessarily a bad thing to let yourself cry sometimes. To release the feelings out into the world instead of letting them grow inside you.

You seem very self-aware so you probably would be good at using CBT. What about asking your GP to refer you for counselling? That would give you a safe environment to talk about the memories and things that hurt you.

Hope you're feeling better today.

Themys

[Deaf_Havana in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Hi Themys,

I like to think of it as an achievement too, I've never been much of a talker and prefer to hold things in.

In a way, yes. I know the things I've been through are terrible, painful things to go through - but out of the select few people I've ever opened up to about it in my personal life, not one of them has ever reacted in a way that would confirm that, they've always reacted in the way that annoys and hurts the most - rationalising and diminishing and dismissing the experiences because 'others could have it worse'. So I think that's stuck with me and made me feel like I shouldn't be bothered, because no one else is.

Inclusion Matters offered CBT, or counselling, and I didn't know which one to choose, so the woman on the phone said CBT sounded best for me and put me on that waiting list. I assumed 'both' wasn't an option and because of how foggy I felt through the phone call I didn't think to ask. I'll definitely bring it up if I feel like the CBT doesn't help though.