Don't want to be here anymore

I have basically had it, medication after medication, alternative treatments, ECT. One on one therapy, and I am at the point, where, there is nothing more that can be done. I thought I had it under control, had almost 4 good weeks, but, as usual, it (depression) has come back. I don't know where to turn, what to do next. Just making it through the day is a chore and I don't care about anything, let the world blow up,, I don't care. I have had some success in the past, but it does not last. Deep down, I feel, just let me get cancer, or a heart attack, take me from this place, as I could not do it myself. Nobody understands how desperate I and other people are to be cured (feel normal). It is all that I desire, to wake up one day and feel normal. Over forty years of this crap and it is amazing that I am still here. One positive thing I can post, is that writing in a journal has helped, as I can write down what I feel, exactly what I feel, no matter how bad it is and say to myself, it is written, now I can let it go.

I know there are a lot of people out there and that suicide is on the rise as well as mental health issues. Just like cancer and heart disease. Is it in the air, the food, the vaccines. Why as a society have we not conquered these ailments??? Thanks for letting me post, I wish nothing but the best for any and all of you.

11 Replies

  • I'm glad writing is helping you. I write as well. I used to ask for death in my prayers but the last day I woke up and prayed for death I had a highway rollover accident and at that very second I realized I didn't really want to die. I just wanted to feel better. I think that God was giving me a wake up call. I left an abusive husband and started some healing. It's still very hard after forty years but death is not a relief. Please don't give up. We are here for you.

  • Thank you

  • Wiz

    You must have reasons why you feel the way you do, I gather you are getting on a bit like me I am sixty seven in August and have suffered depression on and of since I was at school with bullying to my mid fifties, then at sixty years old. I have made some very far reaching changes to my life, as we get older we need to be able to consider changes and move on

    I am not telling you to do that however, you need to work out where your concerns have originally orientated from and try and move on to give you some blue skies to look forward to.

    If you feel the need for treatment your GP is the one you need to talk to. Your condition will be well known If it is family problems you need to talk to a Partner or Wife etc. You are never to old or young to ask for help, you need to be brave to seek it

    You mention courses of treatment including ECT, so you know hopefully how now to move on????


  • Thanks Bob, yes, I have basically ran the gamut for treatment. Not much else left to try, that is why, it is so frustrating. Thank you for your kind words, I am not taking any medication, using emotional freedom tapping and meditation and because nothing has worked, I just have to deal with it . Thanks again

  • Wiz do you have any hobbies or activities you could try. Nothing complex, just an interest.

    Diversion Techniques do work, I have several hobbies and interests and that keeps me out of mischief. Our Pax is also always around somewhere, dogs take you for walks and play with you


  • Yes, I do. I golf, take care of my dog,, walks and the like. Renovating my house. I have lots to do and yes distraction is the thing that has kept me going. I meditate (not much), and I do everything I can. The problem is, even when I am golfing or doing anything, it stills bothers me. Walking the dog, I live in the country, should be pleasurable and I should enjoy it. I don't, it (depression) just envelopes my whole being. I have just bought the mindbody toolkit from Dr Kim, and hopefully that will help me. Thanks for your advice and your response .

  • We have just taken up a new hobby and we passed our Marine tickets to do it. We are on a Familiarization for the next two weeks to put into practice what we have learned and look at various Cruisers, I will also need adaptations so I can manage on my own. When we get back we will decide what type of Cruiser we will get and how the changes I need will effect the trim of the craft, it should only be some rails and changes to the ropes and mooring. Then we will get a visit from our Instructor. Before we start going out to sea on our own. This sounds complex, it keeps us both busy. as the electronics are quite a challenge as well. All takes time and keeps the brain busy.

    Never be frightened in trying something new all that can happen is manage or fail. There is always something else to try


  • Yes it does feel like that doesnt it, i have tried everything for 34 yrs since ive started. But 1 more day wont hurt u, u can do 1 more day. Tomoro might be ur day nd if u dont hang on u wont know. Hang on , grip on, cling on to me if u have to. Ill be now, today nd tomoro dont give up im here for u . Im fighting for myself for dual diagnosis nd sure as fuck will i give nd let them sye relieve that ive given up before berating them for poor treatment. I need u to join me.

    Karen x

  • Hello- I am so sorry to hear how painful life is for you. I am sad to hear that nothing has worked to stop that pain. Is there a cause or trigger for it? Some people go through a trauma in life that scars them forever. Medication, therapy etc can help with depression. I've felt like meds are the cork on the bottle, the plaster. They help you stop feeling the pain but don't take it away. The pain will remain until you deal with it. This can be facing the trauma. Does this make any sense to you? I'm may be wrong. It may simply be that depression is something you will live with forever. A fault in your brain that simply cannot be fixed. Let me know how you are doing. X

  • Thank you for your reply. No trauma to speak of. I have actually done well by working for over 40 years, retiring with a pension, married for over 30 years. I have one son, who is doing quite well, and a beautiful grandson. What I have found through therapy is that I was not nurtured, always thinking everything was my fault, and that I would have to fix it. Also found out, that I actually think differently than most people. Good or bad, I don't know. I am on no medication right now (except for sleeping pills) and I am using EFT and meditation, plus I have just gotten the Mindbody toolkit from DR Kim D emaro. So, in conclusion, trauma, maybe continuous as a child, and I have dealt with a lot of that in therapy. I haven't felt like myself for years, I almost feel like I don't even know who I am. Again, thanks for your concern and reply, I appreciate it.

  • I didn't see response until now. What an interesting reply. Not being nurtured as a child is a form of trauma, it's emotional abuse. If it's been there throughout your childhood then it's likely significantly damaged you as a person. If left untouched through adulthood then it becomes like scar tissue over a festering wound.

    You say you don't think like a normal person, can you expand? Is it your logic or emotions that are different? Do you accept your difference? It's just you talk about not being yourself later. The one thing we should try to do in life is be our authentic self. Everything else is window dressing. I'm so pleased to hear that you've got family etc. joy happiness these feel like temporary emotions that come and go depending on life. I'm looking for long term peace, the feeling of acceptance and belonging in me - happiness can go whistle. Feeling emotional pain always is torture. Let me know how you are. I find your chat very interesting.

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