I've thought long and hard about posting this. I'm new to this. I feel weak and self indulgent about it. I've been diagnosed with moderate depression and mild to moderate anxiety but to be honest it's been even worse than I admitted during my assessment. Every day when I wake first thought I have is about dying. Although I am not actively considering anything I do wonder about things like taking a medication overdose or driving into something . The only thing that stops me is the impact it would have on my kids. I used to be quite outgoing and do lots of social things. I don't go out at all and spend most of my time either lying on the bed or worrying about what might happen. I actively avoid people who I used to consider to be friends. They haven't been in touch with me since Christmas so I guess they are not really friends which makes me feel even worse. I've resorted to emotional eating and have put on a stone and half which again doesn't help.
My daughter was attacked last year which has caused her to have an eating disorder and an attempted suicide which is what has precipitated my problems. She seems to be on the road to recovery but I feel totally isolated and alone. I don't want to go out with my husband, it started because I was worried about my daughter but now it's because I'm depressed. I have stopped doing anything and was off work for 5 months to look after my daughter but now I'm back and I hate it. I cannot find any motivation for anything. I can't be bothered cooking , cleaning or shopping. Last time I went to a supermarket was February.
I feel let down by everyone and feel like I've let down my family. I don't want to moan but I don't know how to stop this. I was physically active before and felt great. I feel like I've lost all my friends and am now considered a failure at work. I feel like a failure as a parent as I couldn't protect my daughter and my eldest daughter has been affected by this. I worry about both of them and how they are going to cope with things in the future. I have considered moving out and letting them all have some fun. It's my eldests birthday soon she will be eighteen and she wants a BBQ . I don't feel able to go to it but want her to have fun. We all live together but I'm considering moving out, I want them all to enjoy life and not have me being miserable all the time.
Any suggestions gratefully received. Thanks