Another birthday gone

Since my mother died, I've been pretty much alone, and 18 months on I'm still feeling very depressed, still getting flashbacks to her last day and I think about her all the time. But the worst days are Christmas and Birthdays (both mine and hers). Just spent another birthday (mine) with no-one but me knowing it's happened, again. I just keep thinking of all the times we celebrated together. I don't feel sorry for myself, that would be self-indulgent, but it is very depressing.

Does anyone have a similar situation, and if so how do you cope with these days? Indulge yourself, or is it best just to have 'another day' and not treat is as anything special?

9 Replies

  • Hi Robomark, yours is quite a unique or rare situation to be in, and although not identical I too have lost my own Mother and Father in recent years.

    The difference is I had the support of my own family to help me in grieving.

    I always remember and think about my late Mother on her own birthday as I do with my father on his, and I have had more time to reflect on them because of being off work with chronic depression of late. In your case, and being alone it is something that you may have time to brood on more and become too morose and inward looking.

    We all need distractions in our lives but to be alone you will have far more time to dwell on these special days and that could be depressing or add to an existing depression that you may already have.

  • That's an interesting point about my situation being unique - I hadn't really though of it that way. When you've lived apart from society for a long time, you tend to think it's just normal and that lots of people must end up like this.

  • Hi have you no family or even friends to share your feelings with? If not then why not go to a church and light a candle for her? You don't have to be religious to do this and it does help me. You are entitled to feel very sad at this time as we all do when the aniversaries roll round. I know I do. Being with family helps me most.

  • No, no family or friends I could talk to but that doesn't bother me really. Mom was religious so I suppose it would be appropriate to visit a church, although I feel that my faith in God died with her. I'll give that some thought, thanks.

  • Hi you don't necessarily need to have friends you can talk to but being with any friend can still take your mind off things a bit. Don't isolate yourself too much.

  • I think it's good to mark special days. I always have the day off work for my birthday even though I might not do anything very exciting. It's just important to me to do that. For your mother's birthday a church is a great place for reflecting, regardless of your beliefs. Or spend time at a place that was special to you both. Spend a little time mourning, but also celebrate her life and the shared good times.

    Also, it sounds to me like you're not happy with your degree of isolation. In which case, start to take steps to get out there, spread your wings a little. Talk to your neighbours, join a local club, maybe try to reconnect with your faith if that's possible.

  • Hi

    I lost my mother when I was quite young and sadly have no recollection of her. I would stress to hold onto and remember all the lovely times you had with your mother and hold them dear. I feel exactly the same for my birthday and ask everyone not to buy me anything.. just a hug. It is very tricky but speaking to someone face to face has always helped me, I do hope you are okay - time doesn't heal but it does help me after 17 years of not having my mum at my birthday but your memories are the best the thing you have, your mother would I'm sure not want you to be sad especially on such lovely occasions.

    Michelle x

  • Thanks to everyone for the replies. It will be a few months before the next birthday (that will be my mother's) but when it comes around I'll try to keep my spirits up and do something to celebrate her life. I probably do need to be less isolated but that's one of the (many) problems Asperger's brings so I'll need to give some thought on how to deal with that.

  • Absolutely - was there anything in particular she loved doing? Maybe on her birthday doing something nice with someone. Being alone on a day that upsets you might not help but doing something lovely to remember your mother and the good memories is such a lovely idea!

    Michelle x

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