Struggling at the moment!

[les82]

My anxiety and depression are really bad the now. I have admitted to my other half that I'm struggling with the house and the kids and his answer is that I need to just get on with. I have asked him for help with the housework and he has basically said it's all for me to do as i am in all day. I already struggle to relax as i need everything to be just so. I am not asking do him to do everything just to help me and take a bit of pride in the house. He has spoken about going to get his own house and told me that it will be printed. Surely have should be taking the same attitude with our house. He says he still classes this place as mine. The vicious circle is he doesn't help - I lose all motivation to do anything - he sees me do the bare minimum - then he refuses to help cos it's too much. I then crash and burn when it eventually gets too much and I blitz the place. We have argued about money, housework, the kids and my grieving process. Is it time to call it a day? X

[les82]

Pristine not printed. Lol x

[21esme]

Hi,

I'm a bit confused. Does he still have his own house?

I'm not sure on your situation, are you both going to counselling such as Relate? A lot of couples face these kind of arguments and issues so you are not alone. It really does depend on various factors such as whether you are both willing and able to do the hard work to make things work or you could just have reached a point where it just won't ever work. I can't really advise you. Men are often very practical and just want you to 'pull yourself together' and get on with it. I know I only have your side of the situation but your partner does seem to be quite unsupportive emotionally and practically from your various other posts. However, I'm assuming he is the main earner and this is how he probably sees his role and assumes he is offering support, ie financially. Communication can be a big issue in relationships. I struggle with my partner and we have been together 10 years. I would find myself getting angry when I was working full on full time when he would seem incapable of putting a cup in the dishwasher but you know what, I take a breath and remind myself that he does other stuff. I try and keep in mind the bigger picture and pick my battles. It is easy said than done, I know. You do seem to be stuck in a cyclical argument/situation where neither of you is really hearing what the other one is asking for.

In terms of the housework I would stop beating yourself up. I liked things done in a particular way but after my breakdown I am a lot less hard on myself. Try just doing one or two tasks a day. If it doesn't get done and doesn't pose a health or safety hazard so what. Perhaps for you it is about feeling judged for not doing it. I do understand that.

Sarah xx

[les82 in reply to 21esme]

No he lives with me but it was my flat. We r going to relate but he asked me for the number and is cancelling our appt on mon and said we aren't going back as it's pointless x

[Photogeek in reply to les82]

Hi Les I have to agree with everything Sarah has said, going

By all your previous posts it does seem your partner is

Not very supportive or kind.

You have a very young baby and you have a lot on your plate,

But think about what you want.

Do you want to stay In this relatiinship? It seems he is immature

Emotionally anyway.

You might be better off on your own rather than with someone

Who is pulling in the opposite direction.

You should go to the Counselling even if he cancels, be firm,

And look after yourself.

Hannah x

[mcdizzy]

Wow, he's canceling your appointment because he doesn't think it's working? He thinks you should do all the housework as it's you that's in all day and it's not his house? He sounds very self absorbed from what you've written. Don't get me wrong my husband is a lazy so and so, but he's there when I need him and if I do get to the point where I have to say give me a hand, he will help and he won't moan about it.

Did he cancel your appointment today? If so book another appointment and tell him that you've booked it and feel like you both need to go, even just for your peace of mind. If he doesn't go, why don't you go without him. Leave him to look after the baby (if you can) and go and chat to someone about things. Only you can tell if the relationship is worth saving. If you're in two minds, write a list of pros and cons. If you're being treated for pnd, just bear in mind that big life changing decisions aren't always the best to make whilst suffering depression. But, also don't use that as a reason to stay. Don't use your baby as a reason to stay either. Baby will be happy no matter what because it'll always have two parents, but you need to decide if you'll be happier as a single mother. Don't make any rash decisions. Good luck with it all, sorry for rambling. Xx

[CarolineLondon]

Hi

Can I throw something in, 'Relate' does it cost you money to go? actual cost or a donation? If its £25 per week could you get a cleaner in to help you instead? Take the edge off both of you for a bit. Im not saying the cleaner can do everything in a hour, but she can clean the loo, take the bins out and wash up. I know some people clean before the cleaner gets there, but cleaners don't really care and as you have a small child, they wont expect you to have cleaned. Just a though't.

Also sometimes when someone perceives another to own the place it can cause problems, maybe a new joint home would help. I used to work with a proof reader who had lodgers, girls and she said they were thee most untidy, unclean lot, but years later when they got there own places and invited her round, the homes where spotless! Maybe call his bluff...if you can both afford to move.

Is there anyone who could take your child for one night a week so you and your husband can have normal time, maybe go to the movies, go for a walk, remember what it was to be you again. Or even just time when you both go off and do your own thing , so when you come back together you have something other than kids, shopping and housework to discuss.

It can be hard to make changes when you are tired all the time, but maybe have a think, what little things might help you both? Then when he's in a good mood discuss them. Note I mean things that you could 'both' do to ease your life, not just you doing things :-). You need not answer me but maybe in a brighter moment have a think.

BIG HUGG and A KISS XX I really hope things get better for you.