Struggling to help

[Lynz8]

Hi im new here. Im just wondering if anyone has any advice about helping a partner with depression. I feel useless and im struggling to cope.

[chloe40]

Hi there Lynz8

Welcome to our friendly Forum here on Action on Depression, we're very happy that you've found us. Please do read our Community Guidelines while you await replies.

Chloe

[Scanu07]

Hi I suffer from depression and so does my 23 yr old son. Firstly I know how hard it is supporting some, it definitely isn't a easy job. I'm not sure what your husband is going through so hard for me to comment but just try to listen be patient and don't take anything personally that he may say or do. Are you both receiving any support?

I am here if you ever need to talk x

[Olderal]

Helping anyone with depression is often temporarily beyond qualified medical staff so families and close friends often feel useless and struggling. Sympathy, love, and discussing your partners problems together, will all help but you may not see any instant results, and while depressed it will be difficult for your partner to show love in return.

Googling depression will bring up many websites many of which have advice for the friends and family of someone suffering depression. It is important your partner seeks medical help if that has n't happened already. Your partner's depression will almost certainly pass, it rarely lasts more than six months, and medical help will almost certainly shorten the length of the depression.

This may not be a lot of comfort but be reassured your love and support are probably the most important thing in helping your partner through depression. Depression is pretty awful but it will pass and your partner will again be able to repay your love and again live a happy life.

Olderal

[Roadhog]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I don't post very much but every now and then I see something that I want to reply to and this is one of those moments.

The most important thing you can do is just be there! I cannot emphasise how important that is. Listen, be gentle and kind and be very honest no matter what. This is a most difficult journey for everyone who supports us. Stick around and get some support for yourself too. Read up as much as you can about depression, go to appointments together, give space when that is what is needed and hugs when they are needed too.

[ARJ4]

All you can do is be as supportive and loving as possible and try not to take their behaviour personally. There's really nothing else you can 'do'. You cant stop the way they are feeling. You cant change the chemical imbalance, the low mood, the feelings of hopelessness. It's incredibly hard though to keep going and not to take it personally. You can end up questioning everything. Try and keep a night for you to go out with other friends just so you have a break and remember that you have life outside the depression. Try and remember that its their depression - not yours. And it's not your fault.

[WhiteAlice]

Lynz8, now that my head has cleared a bit, I can tell you what happened when I 1st met my bf. After he moved in with me, he became deeply depressed, mostly it was triggered by a new relationship and unemployment for 4 years. His self esteem was shot. I had also lost my job, so I had an inkling of what he was going through. I talked to a therapist for myself. He refused to get help. So everyday for weeks, I got up, put in resumes for myself, made a healthy breakfast for him, & planned my day. He eventually get up, but nearly when each day was over. This went on until he asked me to come back to bed in the mornings with him. He needed comfort, which I gave him, but he also needed encouragement. Without being pushy, I offered to help him get a resume together. After a couple of days, he agreed & got out of bed early. He put in resumes, got rejections, then finally applied to a local hardware store. He was a union carpenter by trade, so this was a big downgrade for him. I continued to gently encourage him. He took the job, worked it about a year, then finally got back into union work. The relationship fell apart after that, but that's another story. If you really want to help, be encouraging, be comforting, but don't be a doormat. The change has to be theirs. If they agree to medical & therapy help, cheer them on. Most importantly, you have to take care of yourself. And as always, talk it out with us!