This is going to be the worse Christmas

[roxynotgood]

my partners ex gf don't won't me around there child when she opens presents . But it's alright for the baby to b with me any other time . 🤧

[chloe40]

That's really tough, so sorry roxynotgood

Chloe

[roxynotgood in reply to chloe40]

comes down jealousy. X

[Hidden in reply to roxynotgood]

You need to put your foot down, if you cannot see the child over Christmas why should you look after the kid any other time

What is good for the Goose is good for the Gander

BOB

[roxynotgood in reply to Hidden]

ohh I have

[Hidden]

That parent is using their child as a weapon instead of thinking about what the child might want and putting their own feelings aside. That is so frustrating and sadly so very common. I am sorry.

My sister and husband have a family law practice and practically in every case involving children they are used to hurt the ex partner and any newer partner. It's disgustingly selfish. I know for you it won't be easy and I really sympathise but truly the best thing to do is not stir up a lot of emotions and upset. The child will absorb more than the other, difficult, parent realises. If you are patient and loving they will see this and remember and in time make their own choices. Even very young children pick up on things and it can be very stressful for them. I don't know how old the child is or how long you have been in the relationship, however, if this was going to court over custody a judge would take a very dim view of one parent causing difficulties for the other. New (or relatively new) partners don't have any rights and are advised to step to one side until the relationship is old enough to be considered long term. Newer partners who show that they are supportive, patient and non-confrontational get a lot further with any judge and the child will ultimately benefit. You might not be doing any court related battles now but things change and this advice would be similar outside of a court. I hope I'm not coming across as tactless, I don't know you or your circumstances, but I know the advice my sister and husband give to their clients and they try so hard to get matters resolved without resorting to costly court battles. You probably are doing this already, so apologies if this next bit isn't at all necessary, but always put the child first and above all your own feelings and desires. On another note - could you keep back some presents (or get others??) and have your own little day with the baby? You'll get to see the joy and fun even if it isn't on that one day. A day that most people tend to put too many hopes on anyway, unfortunately.

If hope I haven't upset you in anyway. I really do mean well even if the advice isn't what you might want to hear. I know it seems wrong, that you can see the child on their terms only. The main thing is that you care about this child and want to do the right thing. I hope it all works out in the end. If you do have any questions that I might be able to help with then please ask. I'm not the expert but I have free access to one (and not many people do!) I also pay attention when they talk about their work.

Best of luck and I do hope you have a good Christmas.

[roxynotgood in reply to Hidden]

thank you yes all the above it true but as the the child is not mine there is not a lot I can do really .. But my partner is on my side x

[Hidden in reply to roxynotgood]

Sorry, not sure if I was clear, but I meant that this is what you need to do as the non-parent. Be patient and loving on the side.

The court examples are just my way of trying to show how the 'system' sees these things which is based on the child's needs first and foremost. Eg If the parents went to court over custody you'd not be allowed to have any say or only be considered if you'd been on the scene a long time and were a calming and positive influence. Mainly on the father in that you helped him to deal with his ex in a good way that didn't impact negatively on the child and then on any relationship you have built up with the child.

You are right that there is not a lot you can do. It is a shame and isn't always fair and she is not putting the child first. However, as long as you put the child first, which may mean waiting, then you can't go wrong. It isn't about you, her or him. That's where people go wrong - they think it's about what they want and think is right and it simply isn't the case. I am sorry but only the rights and needs of the child are considered. It isn't about you missing out and him taking sides. It's about the baby (or young child) and what is in their best interests. Sometimes you have to play the long game and be patient.

I know it stirs up a lot of emotion and I can sympathise with people getting angry but she really does have a say in who is around her child - just not in isolation. He has a say too. However, that doesn't necessarily mean pushing you into the mix when she says no. Sometimes, it is better to stay calm and, if needs be, stay back. If she starts to make problems for the child's father then that is different - get legal advice and go to the courts if necessary. However, don't make it more difficult for him by making demands that are about what you want. You might well not be - the advice I'm giving is general not specific to your situation so please don't think I'm judging you. I'm just trying to give best advice at a time when heads aren't cool. It is good that your partner is supportive of you but please accept that this isn't about you. If she is still obsessed with him then it will take even longer and require greater strength on your part to be patient and be supportive of him instead.

I'm afraid, no matter how much you care, you need to let them work it out together and support him in dealing with her but not by stirring up negative feelings. It won't help.

I think if we are honest many of us, in her shoes, would be acting the way that she is. When people are hurt they tend to lash out and control over who sees the child is about all the power she has left now. So she'll use it. Doesn't make it right, just typical. Mediation can sometimes help in these cases and a solicitor can help with that too as some are trained in mediation. If you've been in a relationship with your partner for a long time then you may have some input here.

If this is the child's first Christmas with you on the scene then you may have to accept that this isn't for you this year.

I genuinely wish you the best

[Ronnie12]

Your partner should be sticking up for u!! It's not up to her who he has around his child! Nasty bitch needs told!

[roxynotgood in reply to Ronnie12]

ronnie12 he has been she is just still obsessed with my partner..