Opening up has made my intrusive thou... - Mental Health Sup...

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Opening up has made my intrusive thoughts worse

Kaytee1981
Kaytee1981
41 Replies

I saw my CPN (community mental health nurse) on friday (yesterday) and in a very difficult discussion I disclosed my thoughts (and somewhat of a plan) to commit suicide. I'm a planner and the plan hasn't quite come together yet, but having it out in the open has made me feel a pressure to act sooner rather than later. I have thought of nothing else today even when distracted by other things it's going over and over in my mind. My CPN advised contacting helplines and going to the local crisis cafe if needed over the weekend and she will see me on Monday evening. I find it really difficult to ask for help (psychology have put it down to childhood issues which are yet to be explored) and I dont know if where I'm at at the minute requires a call or visit to someone. I self harm daily anyway so that wouldn't be an reason to do something. I dont know what to do...

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RondoHunter

I'm surprised your therapist let you leave after disclosing your plan(s). Usually once you've stated an intent to harm yourself they Baker Act you (Fla.) for a week for mental health eval. I find it disturbing that you feel the need to self-harm on a daily basis. You do need help but someone who is willing to truly listen and not jump to conclusions based on what you say in a moment of truth. Personally I've got a perfectly tied hangman's noose of nice silk fabric that's just sitting there where I left it. Waiting for that day, that time when it is called for. Just knowing it's there is a mental relief. Morbid? Yeah we tend to get that way don't we. Did they give you any meds? What are they? Do they help? I went down this road a couple times before when I was younger. The first brought on due to tension and stress/anxiety over an acrimonious divorce. A lot of crap was heaped upon me at one time and I snapped. I used pills the first time. Lemmon 714 sound familiar or you too young for those? Quaaludes. The good kind. Almost killed me except the medics were called and they pumped my stomach and brought me around. Spend a week in the loony ward for observation. Hell after all that is was easy enough to be straight and sane for seven days to get the heck outta there. With a script for more pills! Not the ones I was getting, the real head meds. Yuck! I've taken almost all the brand name head meds at one time or two. None of them seemed to help me do anything but gain weight, fast. That was enough to piss me off to throw there crap away and self-medicate thank you dealer down the road. Medical MJ is about all. Oh and prescription Xanax. Between those two for mental support and it's doing alright. Hope I can help you in some way. I tend to rant and ramble as you can see. Take what you need and disregard the rest. Take care and stay safe. Please.

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Kaytee1981

I don't know if the uk is different but I think she just used her professional judgement but then again I was surprised she didnt do anything- sure she had her reasons. Suppose 5months as an inpatient is enough for anyone!

I dont find it morbid that you have made preparations - its quite comforting that planning. I guess when the time comes it wont be a rushed 'thing' you will follow a routine of a kind. Like I have washed my hair, had a good scrub, clean clothes, sorted my household chores as much as possible.

My medication has made me the size of a house, that and binge eating, I'm on lithium, pregabalin, duloxetine and promethazine - not sure of the usa/genetic names.

I could quite easily take an overdose now but I'm with my kids my hubby is working and I've already had a safeguarding put in for taking an overdose with them at home (with their dad too). I'm kinda sick of them not working tbh.

Went a bit crazy with the self harm yesterday, I broke a glass while washing up and just went mad at my arm with it - it nothing deep but I'm usually quite controlled, think I've lost it like that only once before as an inpatient when I smuggled a blade in. I messaged my CPN but she just rang and said try other coping techniques!?

It's just a bit if a rubbish time, I think everyone is at a loss what to do with me really- better off not wasting their time

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RondoHunter

If you think of it the human body is an extremely durable piece of equipment overall. And for an average person any attempt to end or stop that machine from running anymore will take some work. Or not, depends on how you wish to go about it. People have survived many attempts at suicide in the most gruesome manners possible. Like taking a shotgun blast to the face, and surviving. What is left is now a very good reason to try again, and get it right this time. A handgun to the head is no guarantee regardless of what Hollywood shows. One just might blow out a section of the brain that is really needed but survive with a lot of it left that will allow them to live but as a vegetable, not as a human being. And not even aware of what is left of oneself, or if so unable to try again. Best to do a lot of research beforehand. Don't be in such a rush, if you're going to do it then do it right. I've got a tarp laid out in the woods behind my house beneath the tree, a bucket nearby...just in case. It'll be gruesome and it'll hurt, but that's the message I chose to send. Oh and consider if you'll leave a note and what you'll put in it. Practice writing it over and over, and think of what you have wrote. Does it really express your feelings? Rewrite it then. Remember, you're not in a hurry. An average person in the U.S. can expect to live until they are in their 80's on average. So unless you're about to hit 79 take your time. Perhaps things will change for the better, who knows. Jumping in front of a moving bus or train looks intense. But people have survived those too. And falls/jumps off high places. Unless it's really freaking high and there's a concrete landing pad. That should effectively render the human machine as inoperable. Forever.

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Kaytee1981

I love your honesty and bluntness in your replies. I dont really know what to say but I'll see what tomorrow brings. Thanks rondohunter x

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RondoHunter

I like that you said "I'll see what tomorrow brings." That's the way to do it. Even I say that to myself as a threat to the next day. Oh yeah? Wait until I wake up and we'll see what that day has in store for me, bring it on. Lol, oh the ways to cope if you're a loon. At least if I know my shortcomings and how I am probably going to act or the person I will likely be I can prepare for them and not be surprised when it all works out as I thought it might. Not exactly of course but close enough that in hindsight, I look back and said "Of course it happened like that. It's in my nature." Brings some concept to reality. Though I'm still not sure if that's a good thing.

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Kaytee1981

I said what tomorrow (today) will bring because the opportunity is more 'available' today - not the right phasing but I'm sure you understand.

The knot in my stomach is turning over and over and my heart is racing at the thought- I should feel calm, i dont know how you 'should' feel. Think an anxiety attack is coming on better take my meds.

I dont know what to do...feel trapped, I guess like a mouse cornered by a cat maybe. I'm rambling I'm sorry but I need to put this down. I want someone to take it away but i know that's not possible so i guess that's my job to take responsibility so why am i so anxious? I've done it before - unsuccessfully but nevertheless.

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RondoHunter

I'm with you, say whatever is on your mind. Rant if you like, I'll read every word. Sounds as if a panic/anxiety attack is building within you; perhaps best to take a med or two if you have them at this time. Though I am prescribed 3 - 1 mg. Xanax per day I find that if I break them in half (on the scored line) and take a .5 first, wait about a half hour and see if my symptoms abate. If not then down goes the other half. Most of the time that brings my mind to a speed slow enough to properly gather and process info, sort things out instead of everything attacking my brain cells at once demanding attention. If you're feeling nausea take a Benadryl if you have them or Dramamine. I find that Dollar Store brand Dramamine works well for nausea; I cannot stand to vomit and will do everything to prevent it. Why so anxious? I ask myself that same question everyday. Sometimes we can pinpoint a triggering event. Someone said something that I did not take well. Do they not like me, did I do something wrong? But most of the time I run a self-diagnostic on myself and see what my levels are. If I feel I'm beginning to OCD over nothing and/or beginning to worry over nothing, it's medication time. Consider the love and thoughts of all your friends on this site to be the animal control taking the cat away and giving you loving attention, advice, anecdotes, maybe even a joke or two. Take care m'lady, stay safe.

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hypercat54

In the UK it's rare to section anyone or send you to hospital even if you have a sort of plan. This is usually reserved for those in crisis with things like schizophrenia or bi-polar or if you have made a serious suicide attempt. They believe in care in the community here - except that it is woefully inadequate or even missing.

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Kaytee1981

Yeah I didnt expect her to admit me but usually she'll suggest crisis house or crisis team. Her response hasn't helped in that I feel my feelings/plans havent been validated which is a massive thing for me and has lead to an attempt in the past - I was unconscious for 16hrs. Very odd but I guess they have to use their judgement.

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hypercat54

There was probably no places available. Also do the crisis team work weekends? x

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Kaytee1981

Yeah they work out of hours as well as 9-5 x

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hypercat54

In my area there is only 1 person manning the out of hours crisis line. He was much too busy to talk for more than 1 minute and got impatient with me which made me feel worse. I would never ring again. Mind you that was 8 years ago so maybe there are now 2?

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borderriever

You see your CPN on Monday Evening, until then take breath and consider your reasoning why you should not take your Life. It is not easy and you can actually get down the Pathway and get frightened because you realize you are to far down the road and cannot get yourself to return to the land of the living,I tried to take my life many years ago and I was taken as an Emergency to Hospital. Treatment was very unpleasant and Staff in A and E were very busy with the Christmas Carnage. Eventually they brought me back. There was no sympathy, they sent me home on the bus and next day I had an appointment to see my GP, then the Crisis Team was going to visit me in the afternoon. No sympathy just some very tired staff as in the hospital and what was a slap on both wrists for doing something silly. By this time My Wife had been dragged into my appointments etc and surprise surprise She was so very upset and annoyed, now she blamed herself, now She also felt unable to trust me anymore.

It has been over ten years since that time, yes I still suffer Depression. Now my Wife looks after my medications, She watches me like a hawk

Can you imagine how those people around you would feel if you actually managed to take yourself over. Their lives would always be scarred, they would always wonder if they could of stopped you.

I gather you are in the UK, promise if you have these thoughts again contact NHS Information Tel 111 and tell them what you plan to do, they will assess and arrange for you to be taken to hospital if needed and possibly arrange you to see your Doctor also a further visit from the Crisis Team, they will be able to give some form of support.

Consider this, we are put on this earth to learn, if we fail, like in Suicide we will be sent back to live our life where we failed again and again until we understand why we are here in the first instance

BOB

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Kaytee1981

Thanks Bob, indeed I am UK and have experienced a lot of what you talk about. I have taken overdoses (even as an inpatient) the only unsympathetic staff I encountered were some paramedics who came to the hospital when I had jumped from a wardrobe during the night.

I've been under the crisis team and find the support they offer helpful in that they visit daily and on one occasion when I was in a crisis house they admitted me to hospital as I was too Ill for the crisis house.

I have what I think is a local helpline number and there is a crisis cafe on this evening I just dont know if my thoughts are important enough to bother staff and I wouldn't know what to say. Last time I went to the crisis cafe I was self harming really badly and had some distressing news so had something to say.

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borderriever

Get yourself down to the Crisis Cafe, you will have people to talk to and you will be able to gain confidence to discuss these negative feelings , you will have support there with people who are feeling as you are feeling. I was an Information Officer in a Mental Health Centre and the support given was wonderful from suffers just like me

Get yourself down and have some support and understanding

BOB

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Mia51
Mia51
in reply to borderriever

Don’t believe that last part of your message

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borderriever
borderriever
in reply to Mia51

We are in the UK and we have charities and Mental Health Centres that help and give support. I spent about seven years in one as an Information Officer. Now I live in a different area and out town also has a centre that is there for its members. Personally I found the one here was not what I was looking for, so I became a Volunteer for various organisations in the NHS they were basically Think Tanks and would visit hospitals to consider modifications etc for Wards and patient needs.

BOB

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Mia51
Mia51
in reply to borderriever

No sorry I mean the part you wrote about if you commit suicide you have to come back and live your life again and again etc. I can’t understand how you know this.Also I’ve jst buried my boy and as much as there’s free speech it’s very upsetting to read this,especially for no one knows for sure

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borderriever
borderriever
in reply to Mia51

Reincarnation, being born again my own thoughts sorry

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Mia51
Mia51
in reply to borderriever

It’s ok borderreiver im a bit sensitive just now and hope he’s at peace....sorry for getting on to you.xxx

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borderriever
borderriever
in reply to Mia51

Sorry for your loss, I feel we are on crossed paths here.

BOB

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Kaytee1981
Kaytee1981
in reply to Mia51

Sorry what part?

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borderriever

England/Scottish Border, England.

And You ??

BOB

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Mia51
Mia51
in reply to Kaytee1981

No the message wasn’t to you

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borderriever
borderriever
in reply to Mia51

That is your problem not mine. You need to interact with your Doctor or Therapist.

If you live in the UK you need to research for your needs and expectations, Therapist do that when asked. Remember generally it is up to the Patient to help themselves with assistance from your Doctor and CPN.. The Crisis Cafe you mention can be held in Hospital, where outpatients can go and have a cup of coffee. In my old town we had two hospitals associated with Mental Health. An out patient Centre helped people to discuss their problems , and was there to people who could talk out problems together with others. There was also wards were patients would spend the night, and go outside to work during the day. This seemed to help with patients become more used to Society in general. In time they would be discharged.

BOB

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Mia51
Mia51
in reply to borderriever

I don’t know why I’m getting this reply,it’s not relevant to me

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indervir

Every negative, bad thought you should be able to do the opposite positive and good thought, quickly. Concentrate on your breathing and calming yourself down. Start listening to some music you keep for positive or calm thoughts. Classical or Jazz music. Sometimes they say something so uplifting. Keep notes, to turn your thoughts around, nun, priest and monks usually keep books, and pages for daily meditation. Try to think of people you admire, Kylie Minogue say who have made it alone and others.

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Kaytee1981

I admire your positive attitude, unfortunately I'm not in a place to combat my negative thoughts with positive ones yet.

I keep a book of thoughts and feelings but it's very negative I've not felt much if any positives in the past year in fact feelings tend to be dumbed down or numb. My family brought me a book for Christmas for positive thoughts and messages.

I really should listen to music more- I automatically resort to the tv unless I cant sleep at night and listen to music to help me sleep as defined by spotify!

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At1012

I know your pain. I stopped going to therapists because it ended up making my anxiety worse because I ended up questioning everything they said in a negative way.

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Kaytee1981
Kaytee1981
in reply to At1012

So what help do you get now? Are you managing ok?

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At1012
At1012
in reply to Kaytee1981

I had this happy dreamy feeling of imagining myself jumping off a bridge to my suicide and then I realized that I haven’t taken my magnesium supplement in a month or so. I then took my magnesium oxide supplement and it changed everything around. I was literally feeling happiness and sadness at the same time. The magnesium completely stabilized all my emotions. Magnesium always made everything work better. I never understood why until I looked it up online, that lithium and magnesium work in a very similar way. All those irrational thoughts disappeared. I also take zinc and B12 supplementation as well as dexedrine for ADHD. Magnesium also increases the positive effects of amphetamines while at the same time blocking tolerance. Zinc allows me to take smaller doses at the same effectiveness. B12 prevents death of dopamine receptors in the brain from dying. I also take an 1/8 to a 1/4 of nicotine patches a day, which also lowers the dose of amphetamines more and at the same time prevents Parkinson’s disease, which amphetamines can cause. I speak to my doctor about this and he approves it. I definitely recommend magnesium oxide especially for suicidal thoughts. Also regular exercise adds to this. Also magnesium prevents cardio toxic effects of amphetamines because it blocks norepinephrine in the brain.

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Gambit62

this post may help you come up with a strategy for dealing with the intrusive thoughts.

healthunlocked.com/couchtob...

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Mia51

Don’t leave it up to the so called professional judgement.My son had the crisis mental health team at his house.like you,he told them he didn’t want to live....they left him that day as they said they can’t take every Tom,dick and Harry into hospital....a few hours later he jumped off a building and killed himself.He has a history of suicidal ideation ,yet they left him.Please go to a hospital and push for help.xx

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Mazda2
Mazda2
in reply to Mia51

Hello Mia51 I just want to say I'm very sorry to hear about your son taking his life, your right in what you say about the crisis team that they have no empathy as far as I'm concerned, I tried to take my life over a year ago and was sectioned for a short while and when I came home they came out to visit, they would make a time with me, but always arrived late, it should have been for 10days but ended up 4 because they reported back saying I was unco-operative which I wasn't, I had a bad blip a week ago and my Counsellor said I will ask for crisis to come out to you, and I refused because they don't listen, for some of them it's just a job. Sorry once again for your loss. X

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Mia51
Mia51
in reply to Mazda2

Hi Mazda ,thanks for replying.the whole mental health system is shit if I’m allowed to say that.Just the same as my son,they make the excuse that the person they’re seeing is uncooperative,of course you are,your Ill with extreme mental issues.what do they expect,that’s they’re job.WellI sounds ruthless but I’m taking them to court.please keep in touch if you need someone to talk to,and don’t put up with all their crap. My daughter has looked into how they are legally obliged to attend to you,so let me know if you want any advice.love to you.xxx

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Mazda2
Mazda2
in reply to Mia51

Thank you for your reply, yes you are so right in what you say they are crap, and certainly things need to change. For my family I know when I am down it is so distressing for them, because they don't know who they can turn to for support, and the same must of been for you all, and your poor son. Take good care of yourselves.

Lots of love xxx

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Kaytee1981
Kaytee1981
in reply to Mia51

How awful I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I can see how it can happen x

I've just spent an hour at the top of the car park 15mins trying to call a helpline (engaged) to be told something about a bee and a fly and that I should of called sooner. I've come home - I dont know why, my head is spinning

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At1012
At1012
in reply to Kaytee1981

Try taking a magnesium oxide supplement. It will stop the suicidal thoughts and depression right away. Trust me :)

I used to take SSRI. They never worked. I went through almost all of them. What meds do you currently take? I really hope you feel better. I strongly strongly suggest that you take 500mg of magnesium oxide. Are you taking any other meds?

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Mia51

I know Kaytee they are a waste of time and for people to tell you to think positive is awful....you are needing proper help,but I honestly don’t know where anymore I’m so p...... off with the mental health services,they don’t care.I could do a better job if I lived near you.Mind you If the doctors had told me what my son was planning to do,I could have had an insight. I was told nothing because of data protection. then they leave you to pick up the pieces.Please get in touch if you need to talk.love and hugs....I think about you.

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Mazda2

Hi Kaytee please try to stay strong for your children, I know it's not easy when your in that state mind, believe me I've been there. Please take yourself of to, A&E and get yourself some help, because you can't do this alone, reach out to someone for support and try and talk things through, but please please don't do anything to yourself. We all care about you on this site and want to know your OK xxx

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Kaytee1981

I saw my CPN this evening she spoke with my husband too. I'm being referred to crisis team again but I'm not sure what else they can do that my CPN can't. I'm at the end

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