Having a level Day 🙂

[Cgo30]

I have issues with the whole system......the problem is....my life is constantly up and down and living with this condition is random, I can't tell or have no warning of what mood I'm gonna wake up in.....it's all super high, I'm over happy, spend spend spend, carefree, spontaneous and fun or very very dark and low.......when I'm down, it can last a day, a week, a month or a few months and then I'm level again, but I have no control of how long either will last.

Now the issue with the current system, when I'm down, I can phone the docs and get a referral in place for therapy.....what happens nxt is.....I am placed on a 2-4 month waiting list 😳 now in 2-4 months when I get an appointment for an initial assessment.......they then refer me to cbt....I wait for 4-6 wks for that initial assessment, then they tell me "we can't help you because your too traumatised".....they then refer me bk to the docs who refer me to ptsd treatment centre.....and they can't help me because I don't fit the criteria as I don't have flashbacks.....

I haven't yet been officially diagnosed but I am 100% sure that's what's been wrong with me for all these years.

The whole process takes about 10 months and I'm bk to square 1.

I'v thought about goin private therapy but every time I scrape the £150 per session together, something comes up....car kids house etc. I've phoned the priory for an assessment but this close to Christmas with 5 children from 5 failed relationships, I just don't have a spare £385. More so,....I'm at the tail end of one of my slumps, and while my mood is relatively stable at present, my finances aren't 😩

Since I've just come from a slump, I'm very likely goin to be on top of the world in a short time (where I blow my money) so I use this time to get payments in order and make arrangements/appointments etc.

So I have some friends, only a few that know me inside out....they are friends I had as a child, girls who I'd trust with my life, girls who have watched me give birth, we've peed on each other (🙈don't ask) but I can talk about anything, say anything, my deepest thoughts and secrets, without fear of judgement or it bein used as gossip, my sacred friends #free therapy lol x

I've been living like this for 20+yrs.....

I need some help, I can't live like this, I don't want to, I live off guilt that I drag my kids along for the ride 😢

I don't sleep much, I don't socialise much, I'm living half a life and can't seem to get through the system to get some help/support, constantly falling through the net.....partially my fault as I have missed a few appointments, by the time they come around, I'm in a dark antisocial/agoraphobic place and I mentally/physically cannot communicate with anyone outside my close circle.....surely there must be something in place.....any help, advice would be life changing and massively helpful 😓

[cabrio]

bipolar? you sound just like me, I have had this for 25 years + and I stll feel like you. sorry. I also just joined today, I don't know if you can go to gp and take a copy of your post. tell them you need help today.

[domclarke86]

Your first paragraph and the final paragraph where you refer to 'half life' is particularly affecting for me, really rings true for me and you have my sympathy, empathy, and best wishes.

I've been in a similar cycle. The last five years or so, living in various boroughs of London for approximately a year at a time, I have gone to GPs and told them my symptoms. I have been on a handful of different SSRIs (Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Sertraline). I have been referred for Primary care CBT / counselling and completed each course. I have ended each course per borough with a good prognosis and then soon after the final session I would relapse.

However I made a bit of a breakthrough at my most recent Primary care experience eighteen months ago - I had a great therapist for 8 weeks. After a couple of sessions she realised that there was something more profound and deeper going wrong with my mental health; after the sessions increasingly became unstructured due to the sheer force of my verbalised anguish I was referred for Secondary care. I waited the best part of a year for my first appointment with this Secondary care service and was assessed last month (October 2017). I am now waiting for a copy of the outcome of the assessment to come through the post, should be here any day now.

I have been living out of the borough corresponding to the Secondary care waiting list for this treatment and will have to now take the assessment to a local GP to register and get the ball rolling with the waiting list for Secondary care local to my new address as you can only access NHS services in the borough in which you live.

Basically I have done several short CBT / counselling courses and through part good fortune and part bad fortune I now have a document on the way that hopefully tells my story and symptoms so that I don't to go through endless cycle of short courses of therapy and then relapsing and going therapy and relapsing and so on. I will now be able to get on the waiting list for Secondary treatment and the therapy offered will be long term and appropriate for my situation. The therapist at Secondary said that the treatment and sickness cycle that I had been in is because as much as Primary care is helpful I will keep relapsing unless I get Secondary long term help.

I've been on the merry-go-round for so long that my eyes hurt from all the bright lights and the noise. However on the way in the post is a one way ticket to good health - fingers crossed!

[cabrio in reply to domclarke86]

on and on never stop yes a merry go round, one thing after another