Lonely and hopeless

Hi. So as you all know from my previous posts, I have had some good news with me being employed full-time for the first time in my dream job. Its been 2 weeks since I started this job and everything has been going great so far. But outside of work I have no social life. I have absolutely no friends who I can talk to. Even when I message some people who I thought were friends, they just ignore me. I currently have a girlfriend who I've been with for almost 3 years but lately she hasn't really been talking or texting me. She also recently decided to spend time with her dad every other weekend(One weekend I spend time with her and the other is with her dad). I guess that can't be helped since her dad had to change his night shift to day shift now and he has no friends or wife and doesn't even have a car to drive around. So I can see why she wants to spend time with her dad now. But it still feels like she wants to spend less time with me now. I was always an outcast since high school and wasn't too sociable. I had trouble fitting in with groups. And everyone who I become close to one days decides to leave me. Its always been that pattern. I'm used to it. If my girlfriend decides to break up with me then I guess I am just back to my normal self again. Nothing different in my lifestyle. I will always be the lonely person I was.

So is there a point in living if you don't have anyone to talk to and nothing to do in life(other than work)? You work, make money but theres nothing to look forward for.

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  • Hi. If you started a new job a couple of weeks ago remember it takes time to create new friendships. My best and closest friends (in fact my only friends!) are the people I work with. Would you feel confident enough to see if a few of them wanted to go for a coffee or something after work, a bit of a hello I'm knew talk to me...without actually saying that! Joining local groups to meet people, do you have any hobbies? Do you drive could you go over to your girlfriends dads for maybe just the saturday so you've got company? I struggle myself with making friends as I'm very shy until I know people. Is your girlfriend very social...could you go out together to meet friends that you could meet up with as a couple or on your own?

    Hope at least some of this can be of use, like I said it's something I struggle with also.

    L x

  • Well most of the people at my workplace are much older than me and has a different background so its very hard to mix in. Sure, they are nice and we can engage in casual conversations and stuff but not too far to the point where we start going out and stuff.

  • you can be great friends with someone you don't go out clubbing with. when i moved to a new state when i was 30, my best friend ended up being my 80 year old neighbor. we'd go out to eat, but that was about it for the socializing scene. She was a great person and had great stories to tell. Remember, you can have friends you go out clubbing with, but they can be superficial, don't rule out someone older than you as a friend.

  • Wow that is a big difference in age. I guess age doesn't matter when it comes to friends. Its just easier I would say, to make friends near your age because you have more common interests than you would with an older person who grew up at a totally different age with totally different things

  • Hi Heruga

    Unfortunately our illness makes us feel very alone and at times we do push people away because people don't have the patience when we go into ourselves. But sometimes, ok a lot of times, people are just selfish and wrapped up in their own lives.

    I was in a terrible place mentally last week but decided that I can only change my situation. I've now started kickboxing and also salsa. There is a thing called Meet Ups and it's a site where you can do different hobbies or just go drinking and doing social stuff. Take a look, it really is very good.

    I hope you feel better soon and well done on getting your perfect job 😀 x

  • Well I do have hobbies. I love gardening and horticulture, which is what I work for in my job, I love nature, and sometimes play the piano when I'm bored. But even if I like them, I can't get the motivation to do any of them if I have something else bothering me in mind, in which in this case is me being having zero friends.

  • The hobbies are you doing stuff alone so it won't change the loneliness. It's hard at times to push yourself to try new things or find a way to meet people but life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Even if you don't feel like it, tell yourself to do it and that if you don't like it you can leave and come home. Chances are you'll enjoy it and your come home buzzing from the new possibilities. I'm starting kickboxing tomorrow and I'm having my doubts but I know it's better than sitting alone every night. I tried salsa last week and I was petrified and didn't think I could face anyone, but I giggled all night and had fun. I'm going back this Thursday and I'll continue to go until I don't think about it too much and it becomes part of my life. Another saying "fake it till you make it" 😁

  • Thanks, I actually do tend to enjoy things that I was once nervous about. But it never lasts :( Good luck on your kickboxing and don't hurt yourself.

  • Just try some more new things. Honestly keep going until you find something that keeps your attention.

    And thank you. I hope I don't I'm skiing on Saturday for a week 😀

  • One step at a time. A few weeks ago you were feeling desperate because you hadn't got a job. Now you've got that it's because of lack of friends although you've got a girlfriend. So come on now you're making good progress towards what you've been wanting. Keep at it building up friendships and valuing your job

    There doesn't seem any doubt that you are building the future you desire, but have to keep at it

  • I could say that our relationship isn't too stable now between my gf. We are seeing each other less now that I've got a new job and her dads workshift changed from night to day. So we slowly distance ourselves and maybe that'll end up in a break up who knows. At least I will never do that, its up to her. But if I lose her then I will have no one in my life anymore. This world is a social place, whether we like it or not. I tried to convince myself that being alone is ok and better than being with people but it just doesn't seem to work that way. If there is some advice on how to live a lonewolf that'd be great.

  • Hey guy

    Try to learn, it has helped me to find some meaning. The brain that gets depressed and feels itself as an outsider generally has the amazing potential for creativity. I have found that depression gives me a kind of lazer clarity with things because I am not tempted to cloud judgement by by how I would like reality to be simply because that never worked out for me.

    There are always strengths that come with our weakness, find them and use them.

    It gives me reason to carry on after the storms pass.

    You girlfriend sounds like a very caring person. You are lucky have someone like that in your life. I too have someone like that. Sometimes that's enough.

  • So you are saying that depression can benefit you in a way?

    Yea she WAS caring, right now idk. It feels like we are getting further and further away from each other. If I lose her then I would have no one in life.

  • Hey man

    what im saying is, if you are depressed do some research on depression. When I started to look into it I found some really interesting stuff.

    For a start, there are some really famous people in history that were really depressed. A lot of famous artists wrote about depression and painted paintings with melancholy themes.

    I guess bipolar can be quite famous for the kind of genius it produces in people in periods of mania. Bipolar is a depressive disorder. I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy and you know when people cant quite understand what you are talking about when you tell them how you feel when you are depressed, I think to myself; they can thank their lucky stars they don't understand.

    Feeling hopeless and alone feels terrible, but what if it was just that a certain chemical was not reaching the part of your brain that made you feel hopeful and connected. This is what the science suggests.

    So you get another view of the world. A view normal people cant see. The research tells some funny stories. One such experiment asked two groups to play a computer game and then estimate how well they did. One of the groups was depressed people and they were the most accurate in their estimations revealing that people with depression have more accurate view of whats going on.

    Good and bad are relative I guess but to find some hope or reason to go on you need to be able use what you got to your best advantage and if you have depression it definitely does not mean you are worthless even if it feels that way . Its important to understand its just the chemistry.

    I don't know why it is so, but there are people who recognize that a lot of genius came out of mental illness so take a look and see if you can find your genius.

    I was once torn between my partner and a parent, it didn't end well, it didn't have to end badly but it did. Life can get very complicated

  • Well I'm actually doing something similar you described. Since I am a depressing person by nature, I like to listen to very sad and dark music and I play the piano with a lot of dark and sad music. Dont know why but it soothes me down

  • music has an interesting effect on the brain

  • Nirvana!! Curt Cobain was bipolar and Nine Inch Nails made an entire album about bipolar, two of my favorite bands..haha

  • Eh I'm not really a big fan of nirvana. And I only concentrate on soundtracks/instrumental. No vocals.

  • Hello Heruga,lonely I can believe but not hopeless,finding a dream job and the fact that its going well means "hopeless" is not a word i would use. Being at work inevitably means you are getting more social interaction than before which is a big,big plus compared with before starting work.

    I believe that eventually you might find friends at work,you did post there were several other new starters, but this may take a bit of time. Use that time to work and study at how to make friends. One of the huge sellers of all time was the book "How to make Friends and Influence People" . This might still be worth reading. The fact that it sold so many shows how many people do struggle to make friends as I don't imagine many were buying it to learn how to influence people. Making friends happens more easily for some people but many ,including yourself have to work at it. There's nothing wrong with that.

    Obviously if you have an interest or hobby , or can find a new one that interests you there may be opportunities to join a club or group which would also give you new contacts that may become friends.

    Loneliness is a big and recognised problem in the modern world and if you can by working at it make friends you will not just be helping yourself but probably be helping other lonely souls.

    How do you feel about suggesting to your girlfriend that you visit her Dad with her on some of the w/e s she sees him? He is obviously lonely and might welcome some younger male company once in a while ,along with his daughter. Obviously friends around your own age are also needed but again visiting her Dad might also enrich your life and avoid some lonely w/e s .

    Olderal

  • I wish I can make friends at my workplace but most people are much older than me and have different background than me so its really hard to fit in. They are all nice but idk about becoming friends. Maybe an aquaintance.

    I actually have been seeing her dad with her this whole time. We sometimes go out to eat with my gf together and stuff and I have no problem with that. But I can't really communicate with him because he can't speak english. And its very awkward when I try to.

  • well, at least you have your dream job. I've never had a "dream job,'' just lots of things i found interesting. I was kind of overwhelmed by the possibilities, which should be a good thing, but I could never make a choice, and realized it was not from the overwhelming possibilities, it was just probably me.

    You're lucky you have a girlfriend. You're even lucky you have her dad. Does he like you? Have you tried making friends with him. Some of the few friends I've had have been decades older than me, so don't count him out.

    So, is there a point in living if you don't have anything to do or anyone to talk to? I've asked myself that question. I don't have any friends, though I am the sort of person who doesn't really need any. Though I do wonder if having them would be nice. I have things I like to do, though some physical injuries prevent me from doing them much. 30 years of running have not been kind to my knees or hips. I love animals and have a cat, and he is a great "friend'' to me. I've also befriended my neighbor's pit bull, who was an untrained and agressive mess, and managed to train him to be a well behaved and lovable dog. Unfortunately, unlike you, i have no dream job. i have a college degree, but because of physical problems with my hands and elbows, can't work at a keyboard. so i am stuck in the retail world. I would love to look forward to making money to pay off my student loans, so you are lucky you can do that. Sometimes the problems my depression causes me makes it just impossible to go into work on some days, so that is a big problem for me.

    i live with my parents now, so i have a nice house to live in and a car that my dad bought me. but they are elderly, and the question i ask myself, is what will i do when they are gone? I don't do well living on my own.

    So when I look to my future, I ask myself, will it be worth living in poverty, in gvmt. housing, with no car, probably working 2 jobs i hate just to support my miserable life? The answer I keep coming up with is no. I can just take a bottle of pills and not wake up in the morning and my troubles will be over.

  • Well believe it or not, I was rejected by 80+ companies that I applied for and even this job originally but since the person that they took over me suddenly left, they decided to hire me as a last resort. So I'm just plain lucky. I will never have this opportunity again so I am praying I won't lose this job.

    Her dad likes me but we can't communicate very well because he can't speak english. He also criticizes me for the smallest things that he considers 'disrespectful', which I find annoying. I guess it a norm or something for his country.

    As for your future after your parents are gone, won't they leave you life insurance money or something like that for you?

  • You definitely seem like a glass half empty rather than a glass half full type of person. It seems like you can find negativity even when it sounds like you're doing well.

    Try and dwell on the positives rather than the negatives and you'll feel much better

  • I tend to think negatively and always have been from the very beginning. Don't know how to fix that...

  • Acknowledge that you are not fair on yourself and dwell on negativity. Work on the positives. Each day write down 3 positive statements of the day. Develop some positive major statements I am in my dream job, how lucky that is etc