stressed and confused

[ChailatteZ]

I started college in September after a long and stressful summer. I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety at the end of last year. And managed to control it somewhat. But once the summer began I went down hill and became extremely depressed. Now I have ups and downs. I'm not sure if bi polar - but I will have a panic or something from a build up of negativity, then after i will feel very ambitious and positive after calming down. I seem to take the world on my shoulders. I'm very self conscious, I don't want a relationship, I'd rather talk to people older than me/ my parents age. I hate hearing about people who have breakdowns; I'm scared i might have one. I have a loving family. And 2 friends from school who go to my college who i'm still good buddies with. Although there is 1 friend thats not one of the two; who I don't really want to be friends with anymore because she makes me anxious; I don't feel I'm getting the best out of me by being around her. I don't want to be mean and drop her, but I want to drop her. I worry I will never get the job I want. I'm very ambitious. I don't want to let anyone down. I saw a counsellor at my school but we didn't kick it off, I didn't like her approach to me. My brother left home for University at the end of summer. I've been though years of my parents having illness; such as cancer and my grandad dying when i was 12. The world seems pretty Sugar Honey Ice Tea right now. So much hate the world. I don't love myself. I'm not bad looking, I'm pretty skinny, not fit. But I am a tom boy and I've been bullied in the past and rejected by friends for it. I don't want to reveal to much skin. I don't want to go to parties with people my age. I didn't go to problem because I don't like dresses (or suits) I'm want to be me, but i'm scared I have to be something else to accepted, the only thing is I am generally accepted, but people my age don't speak like me. I'm an old soul, with older parents. I don't like the way people my age talk to me get paranoid there going to as me something personal (sexuality or something) . I don't want to change who I am but I don't love myself. I want to work hard but I just don't do it, i push my self so hard but kick myself for not doing homework. I can't help but think negatively. I'm a lost old soul. I want my brain to relax and stop. On the other hand I'm sensitive, very compassionate, I've been through a lot in my life already in my life. I' not suicidal, but I am pissed off with how I feel. I feel i have let both other people and my self down. I don't want to feel sorry for my self. But I don't want to be selfish.

I hate Homes under the hammer.

I hate that the world labels people black, white, hispanic, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, illegal immigrant, african-american, slut, retard, socialist, crippled, tranny, plus sized model, homo... and many more.

I'm tired, this world has damaged me.

I'm going to watch I'm a celeb. Peace.