Lost and confused

[Dave426]

I would like to apologise first and foremost. I know there are far more deserving people on here. My troubles would pale into insignificance compared to some but I am troubled nonetheless.

Let me just start by saying that prior to conducting a search on google which led me to this site I've spent the past 3 days locked in a space 5ft square as a self imposed punishment. I took with me a duvet and cushion. My wife has been distraught but, as usual, I have shut her out completely even though I know it is killing her for me to do so. The only reason I have since emerged is her threatening to call someone if she couldn't guarantee that I wasn't harming myself, in addition of course to the fact that I have to return to work in the next day or so.

Why lock myself away? This time the catalyst has been a job interview that I have no intention of going for, not because I don't want it but because for some reason all my self confidence has drained from me...again, and I'd rather run and run and run and risk throwing everything away simply to be able to hide away where no-one can get to me, judge me, or cause me to judge myself, which I'm sick and tired of doing.

I just need it all to stop.

[Hidden]

I will say welcome to this site

Can I ask some questions, why are you so frightened of this interview/job.??

Are you working at this time and having some form of treatment ??

or is this your first approach regarding your problem ?

Have you discussed your fears with your GP as it would seem you are not functioning and it would be the same if you lost your present or future place of work. Why are you looking for a position at this time ???

If you are really concerned and your wife must be feeling at a loss on how to help. Phone your GP and arrange an urgent appointment, if this is no good contact telephone 111 and express your fears, they will triage and possibly take you to A and E.

A Crisis team may need to be called in if your activity is strange or frightening to those around you ??

You can of course go to either a Police Station or directly to A and E and explain your problem and ask to be put in a place of safety if you feel at risk of doing something like suicide.

Personally I cannot understand the reason for you not to attend an interview, I can understand your wife showing fear at your activities. The bottom line however is just do not attend. What would be your situation if you did not attend ??

Can you please let me know your reasoning at this time

BOB

[Dave426 in reply to Hidden]

Hi bob

Thanks for the reply.

The overriding issue is a complete lack of self esteem. Not a new thing but something which has always been there in one form or another and comes and goes. In short something which is too complex to bottom out here.

My wife is well aware of the situation and would help if only I'd let her, but I drive her away. I'm not sure why but feel as though 'i' deserve it.

I have a job and there's no real issue with per se. We have been trying to relocate but I have been unsuccessful in job interviews, probably leading to this fear now. My wife moved over a year ago and so have been living apart during that time. Money isn't a particular issue either. 

I'm aware the stress of 'having' to find alternative work and it's contribution, however what is concerning me now is that without realising until now I've spiralled into a situation where I'm backing myself into a corner, and that is where 'fight or flight' kicks in and I'm worried.

I have sought private treatment before and I suppose subconsciously it helped. I had to stop due to funding constraints. I've also had NHS help too, but that I found downright degrading.

Past experiences of running have included leaving a note and just disappearing as well as jumping out of a 1st floor window rather than deal with something. 

This may sound quite bizarre behaviour and I would agree.

I can't talk to my family about it even though they have their suspicions. I can't bring myself to put my wife through the mill again, even though I know I am already. I certainly can't talk to my employer about it as it could have severe implications. Please don't misunderstand though, I know there is something fundamentally wrong but I am NOT a risk to others. If I was ever to implode - and when I say that I mean in terms of relationship breakdown etc. rather than direct harm, it would just be me and the people that care, ironically.

I'm a rational, generally sensible person. I just have some demon that I just can't shift and I long for the anxiety and pain and frustration and self loathing to go.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Dave426]

Hi there and I know there will be better people to reply to you than me but I will give it a go and see what happens. 

You sound like a normally very high functioning person and one who  by accounts on the outside lives a very normal and successful existence but at the same time you are fighting demons which sometimes get the better of you.

As Bob said what would happen if you didn't go to this job interview? To be sure the world wouldn't end. I missed a holiday I had booked at Easter due to just being too unwell mentally and physically to face it. I don't normally do that sort of thing as I hate wasting money for one thing but you know what ; life carried on ; I missed my holiday , I lost my money. One day still follows after another. If you miss the interview then you still have a job as you say; don't put yourself under pressure; infact maybe you should decide you don't want to go for that job and then give yourself a rest and a treat tomorrow once you've made that decision, or decide on an outing with your wife when she's next free. 

I am not making light of your situation but trying to get you to maybe think about being in a different mindset from the one you are in now. 

It sounds a bit tricky if you are unable now to afford any more  private counselling but found the NHS service a bit demeaning. There is a shortage anyway within the NHS and it's difficult to get appropriate counselling. 

It would seem you have a confidence issue as you say and you probably have depression by the sounds of it too and I'm wondering if there's any incidents in your childhood which you can recall wherein you had the same sort of reaction? Often it goes back to then ..... ...

We have some excellent people on here who can help better than me as I said but we reply as and when we are in tune with the site and so it depends where other people are at really as to whether they reply.

Hope this helps if even a little bit. Please write more if you want to go into more detail or if it helps you at all .

Gemma xx

[Dave426]

Thank you.

You are of course correct in everything you've said. Oh the things I've missed or given out on because I haven't the strength nor motivation to go and do it. I've wasted so much, moreso things you can't easily measure.

You're also correct that the job is not the end of the world...it is a life changer though if we ever want to fulfil an objective we've had for so long. My wife has worked so hard to get us there, well we both have, but alas it is me that is holding us back.

The thing is I can value what I am and what I do at times its just interviews these days put so much emphasis on self promotion that I struggle to do myself justice and have failed miserably on my last couple of attempts, and please don't try the line "it just takes practice"...

And it is this that is bringing it all flooding back. It's back to the old 'don't try for fear of embarrassment' rather than throwing your hat into the ring and see what happens. But then I've always been the type to over analyse, seek out potential consequences. Half the time I'm many steps ahead of myself I talking myself out of something rather than in a constructive way.

I seem to know what it is, at least in part, though who knows why or what the origins are. All I know is its not right nor healthy to be the way I am, to treat the one closest to me the way I do. We deserve better.

I think it was CBT before and I guess I'm going to have to try again. Not something I can readily afford at the moment but needs must. I just keep thinking I'll change and it will all get better, however the highlights seem to whizz past without any apparent lasting influence whilst the knock backs seem to not only linger but fester, but I guess that's just my dominent inner-negativity at work.

Thank you for listening.

[Dave426]

It seems to go back as far as I can remember, the perfectionism, being overly self critical etc.  The trouble is once you start making connections the more you find, which is a bit of a self-fullfilling prophecy.

What really hurts is the sheer effort to break the cycle and knowing where to begin. I remember once being told that it is the negative part of me which is the strongest. But what is strange is why it is almost comforting to have no expectations or feeling of self worth. It's like a confirmation, almost giving it validity that you are worthless and it is so hard to defy 

[Hidden]

Dave

Are you a UK Resident ?

Yes at this time the NHS is leaking at the seams and the Government, bless its little heart is supposed to be putting more money to extend treatment types and allow treatment to be given over a longer period of time. Generally  I have shown my concerns at various places and locations with the Health Service. It is sad, very sad.

One of the best ways to deal with your problems it to learn coping techniques, one you may try when stressed is breathing techniques, CPNs are trained in various ways that may help.

Talk to your GP again and try and arrange a different approach with your condition, some Staff dealing with Anxiety do not work for the NHS they are either private or a charity and the GP can actually arrange treatments with these Operators, if they feel different approach may work.

It is a shame that your condition is causing lack of function through your life choices.

keep trying and good luck, you know where we are

BOB

[Dave426]

Would anyone have any advice on the most appropriate therapy to undertake. I think I had CBT before but have just read about psychosynthesis? Any thoughts?

[Stilltrying_]

I think CBT could help you or  if it is a good practioner  and it is the most predominant form of therapy available. Person centred therapy can be very good if you feel you have a lot to talk about and want to have it listened to and understood more rather than more goal orientated. It is a "softer" therapy if you are feeling particularly vulnerable right now. 

 There are so many therapies. The one you mention pyshosynthesis would be very long winded. I think you need at first something like CBT again or ACT (acceptance and committment therapy)

 Google it ; I have just googled it and found this link to explain the different types of therapy but there are many other sites too. counselling-directory.org.u...

Gemma