Hi I'm in my mid 20's and I recently got engaged I suffer from severe depression and it makes it hard for to meet people and keep friends. My mind is tortured all day with feeling of worthlessness. While growing up I was raised in a religious family so every time I did something that my parents didn't approve I was made to feel extreme shame. I left home at 15 and even in my 20's my parents made me feel shame to have bf or have friends. When I was younger I wanted so badly to have school friends and do what normal kids did because my parents would say they weren't good people. I'm my mid 20's I don't know why but naturally fear people I know the things my parents said was messed up but they constantly used to and still tell me I'm manipulative and I'm made to feel as a teen I ruined my family and made my mother suffer with wanting to date and making out of religion friends.
Now I'm getting married and I feel ashamed like I don't deserve this wedding I know my parents roll there eyes at me and think this in an opportunity to make it about me. They say I'm selfish. While growing up as a young teen my father convince my mother I had a drug problem although I've never been around drugs so I left home. if I ever bring it up my parents get mad at me and tell me to get over it and I make everything about me and all I do is ruin the family. So now I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle. I raised myself from the age of 15 he had a drug and alcohol problem and would throw me under the bus saying how he didn't like me as a person the only time my mom wanted me back home was when he walked out on her. Now that I don't want him to walk me down the aisle my mother says I'm a terrible person and the reason my father doesn't like me at times is because I was a difficult child. I feel ashamed to have a wedding my extended family probably assumes I had a drug and alcohol problem that tore the family. I'm severely depressed with many disorders there's nights I can't sleep because of the voices of guilt in my head. My fiancé doesn't know why I'm not excited about a wedding I don't know how to tell him I don't deserve it it's selfish to have a day focused on me and I know my parents are annoyed by the fact it's an inconvience to them to go. I feel so worthless every other person their family is happy for them to get married but I am so broken and such waste of space that I know everyone who comes will just come out of obligation. And I hate getting too close with people when people talk to me I scream inside begging them to leave me alone I'm terrified my hairs raise. I had to drop out of university because this starting happening to me out of nowhere in my early 20's. When I go out for too long I have to rush home and cry sometimes because it's like holding my breath under water. I don't know how I can have a wedding I feel like all my dreams are dying. I feel like I'm slowly losing what makes me human I feel like a mistake. I am in my mid 20's with severe depression, and bi polar, and I have spent 3/4 of life just trying to stay afloat but I wish it would I could be normal I don't want to live like this anymore