Feeling contestant shame guilt and worthlessness

[Upstream77]

Hi I'm in my mid 20's and I recently got engaged I suffer from severe depression and it makes it hard for to meet people and keep friends. My mind is tortured all day with feeling of worthlessness. While growing up I was raised in a religious family so every time I did something that my parents didn't approve I was made to feel extreme shame. I left home at 15 and even in my 20's my parents made me feel shame to have bf or have friends. When I was younger I wanted so badly to have school friends and do what normal kids did because my parents would say they weren't good people. I'm my mid 20's I don't know why but naturally fear people I know the things my parents said was messed up but they constantly used to and still tell me I'm manipulative and I'm made to feel as a teen I ruined my family and made my mother suffer with wanting to date and making out of religion friends.

Now I'm getting married and I feel ashamed like I don't deserve this wedding I know my parents roll there eyes at me and think this in an opportunity to make it about me. They say I'm selfish. While growing up as a young teen my father convince my mother I had a drug problem although I've never been around drugs so I left home. if I ever bring it up my parents get mad at me and tell me to get over it and I make everything about me and all I do is ruin the family. So now I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle. I raised myself from the age of 15 he had a drug and alcohol problem and would throw me under the bus saying how he didn't like me as a person the only time my mom wanted me back home was when he walked out on her. Now that I don't want him to walk me down the aisle my mother says I'm a terrible person and the reason my father doesn't like me at times is because I was a difficult child. I feel ashamed to have a wedding my extended family probably assumes I had a drug and alcohol problem that tore the family. I'm severely depressed with many disorders there's nights I can't sleep because of the voices of guilt in my head. My fiancé doesn't know why I'm not excited about a wedding I don't know how to tell him I don't deserve it it's selfish to have a day focused on me and I know my parents are annoyed by the fact it's an inconvience to them to go. I feel so worthless every other person their family is happy for them to get married but I am so broken and such waste of space that I know everyone who comes will just come out of obligation. And I hate getting too close with people when people talk to me I scream inside begging them to leave me alone I'm terrified my hairs raise. I had to drop out of university because this starting happening to me out of nowhere in my early 20's. When I go out for too long I have to rush home and cry sometimes because it's like holding my breath under water. I don't know how I can have a wedding I feel like all my dreams are dying. I feel like I'm slowly losing what makes me human I feel like a mistake. I am in my mid 20's with severe depression, and bi polar, and I have spent 3/4 of life just trying to stay afloat but I wish it would I could be normal I don't want to live like this anymore

[Hidden]

Hi I am so sorry you are suffering like this. No wonder with how your parents treated you, no wonder you feel worthless - anyone would with that kind of upbringing. Let's make it clear here, you were a child and part of a parents responsibility is to give their kids confidence and a good sense of self esteem. Did your parents do that? No they didn't , quite the reverse. My parents did exactly the same with me and my sisters.

You weren't a difficult child - they were difficult parents. They have got it totally backwards. They are still running you down today aren't they? I have learnt in life that often people blame the victims for their own failings, and this seems like what they have done to you all your life.

Now what you need to do is tackle those feelings of unworthiness and I think you need counselling and maybe meds to help you lift that depression so you can start to feel a bit better. You can access that via your doctor, so if you haven't sought help please do so.

There are lots of things you need or either learn or relearn which you should have learnt in your younger years, but due to your dysfunctional upbringing you didn't.

I was in a situation around your age when I didn't know how to make friends or connect with others properly. I set myself the task of learning how to do this. I watched other people to see how they interacted, I watched popular people and what they did and copied them. It took quite a while but eventually I mastered it and then I started to make friends.

Meanwhile I think you should if you can cut your family totally out of your life, certainly for the time being so they don't drag you down much. If you can't then limit it as much as you can. You need good people around you who bolster your self esteem rather than destroying it. Friends will do that for you so seek them out. Listen to your bf as I presume he loves you.

Stay with us here and we will help you as much as we can . I don't think you are worthless at all and nor will anyone else on here. I think you are very brave in taking the first steps to find help. You deserve happiness as much as we all do. Ok? Bev xx

[Upstream77 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much your reply I usually can't tell people because I'm too embarrassed. I actually do take medication for my depression and go to counselling. I think it's just gotten harder for me to cope after getting engaged because I can't tell anyone how I feel without sounding insane. thank you for replying I've never been able to tell anyone but a therapist. I always believed in the kindness of strangers but that weird fear always held me back from making real connections.

[Hidden in reply to Upstream77]

Hi Upstream I am glad you are getting help and I hope you can eventually overcome your issues. Not easy I know but there is hope. You would be surprised how many people would understand you you know as you are never the only person to ever feel like this. That is one thing I have learned in life - ok we are all unique and different but there is no emotion that someone can have which no one else couldn't understand or appreciate.

As for strangers don't reply on them because not everyone is nice or kind. But don't forget strangers can eventually become friends. All my friends were strangers once but when you get to know and like them they can become friends. A few become very good friends.

It's easy to look around you and think everyone else leads the perfect life and they have it easy but when you talk to them they aren't and they don't. They just cover up well that's all. There is a big difference. You never need to be ashamed over who or what you are, that is your uniqueness, your personality and you will find others who love you for it like your bf. It is these people you need to seek and find, people who make you feel good and support you, not people (whether family or not) who drag you down and made you feel bad. No wonder you find others such a chore - you are trying to hide your true self because of lack of self worth. That's exhausting isn't it? But keep on working with your counsellor and learn to like and accept yourself and that, trust me, is liberation.

Always here for you love. You will get there. Hugs Bev xx

[Photogeek in reply to Upstream77]

Hi Upstream and welcome to the site, you poor girl, your parents

Sound like parents from hell, lol. Seriously when we are young we

Are under our parents jurisdiction , when we become teens and young adults we began to view our parents in comparison to other

Families, and we might see some of our friends have very loving

Caring families and of course some of our friends might have

Even worse families than we do, perfect families are rare. But hey

You are a grownup now so step away from your own family and build

A new life for yourself.

Coughalot2 has given you a brilliant reply and has said it all, I

Can only add to take a break from your dysfunctional family, look

After yourself and you will get stronger, stick around this site as it

Is a great way to get support and validation.

Hannah

[Hidden in reply to Photogeek]

Thanks Hannah. That's a great word 'Validation'. Bev xx