Confused and unsure

[Gazzathomas]

I have been on mirtizapine for 3 months . I have suffered anxiety and depression for many years and this is my second time on medication.

I think I might have bipolar , but unsure. I find day to day tasks becoming hard. I feel agitated and snappy at times and at work I have little tollerance .

I act recklessly at frequent times throughout my life and feel confused and unsure at times if I am making or capable of right decisions .

I am new here and this is my first attempt at reaching out.

Should I go to the doctors and seek time off work while I try and get help or should I battle on working

I can't tell my family as I feel ashamed and have let them down all my life. I am currently single and live alone and I really am scared and unsure

Any advice please as I am desperate

[Photogeek]

Hi there and welcome here. First thing I would say is that any antidepressant takes a few weeks to kick in and it could be maybe 3 to 4 weeks before you feel any benefits.

There is no quick fix for Depression that's for sure and we have to do a lot ourselves, Diet, Excercise and changing how we live on a day to day basis.

Only a Dr. Can say if you are Bipolar and it might be worth while talking to your Dr. About it. Also we need to see what is going on in our lives, we can do a lot to help ourselves and we are not totally at its mercy.

It can be hard to talk to family for sure but try and talk to someone as that does help. Are there any local support Groups you could go to.? Please try not to feel guilty as Depression is not your fault as it's an illness.

Look forward to talking to you again, I'm sure others will have good advice for you too.

Hannah xx

[Gazzathomas in reply to Photogeek]

Thanks Hannah, talking is hard for me. My life is a complete mess and I don't know where yo start or what I should d first . Scared to take sick leave but then the other half of me says I should to start the healing process

[Photogeek in reply to Gazzathomas]

Hi Gazza you know I think you really should go back to your Dr. And tell him exactly how you are feeling, don't underplay how bad you feel as you need to be open with him. Maybe you should take time off, as working when your ill with Depression is awful, I have done it and would not recommend it.

I am glad you reached out as that is a good first step in getting better. Mind yourself and feel free to Post here if you need to chat. It's quiet now but should get busy later.

Hannah

[Gazzathomas]

Thanks Hannah , this is the first time I have openly talked about how bad I am.

I have done some of the online tests and they all come back with bipolar.. and it kinda makes sense as to why I am the way I am

Suicide is never away from my thoughts but part of me couldn't do it.

I have days when I feel happy euphoric on top of thr world and nothing can hurt me then the next day I want to die or hide away ashamed of my illness

I am 46 years old and all of this is confusing me , I don't understand what is going on or why ... Work is all I have to live for but then I feel that work is what is killing me . I don't like where o live which is also close to work and I keep looking to find somewhere else to rent . Then I think tbis os bipolar making me do impulsive things

Everything seems so upside down and confusing

[tofler]

Hi Gazza, I'm 48, single (divorced) and live alone. I've struggled with depression on and off for quite a few years now (and for longer than I'd previously realised). I noticed that you're wondering about whether to take time off work or not, so wanted to ask how are things going for you at work at the moment, are you performing ok there and still managing to do ok at work? I had two months off work in 2015 and didn't originally want to be off but it made a big difference to my health. I was having lots of problems at work at the time though because of my depression and struggling to be able to do my job well enough. That created lots of extra stress for me at a time when I could least cope with it. Despite this time off work though I still ended up going through the redeployment process and being moved to a less stressful job. If work is difficult for you at the moment, having some time off might be a good idea. But if it's going ok at work, it can be an important way of keeping routine and structure in our life and also a useful way of being around other people compared to being alone at home.

[tofler]

P.s. are you doing any CBT or talking therapy at the moment?

[Gazzathomas]

Hi tofler , thank you for responding .. work is difficult , I am a manager just of one person, but I think she finds me difficult as I sit at my desk moody I suppose saying little trying to concentrate and keeping my head in balance ..

Since the beginning of this year I have found work very hard and some relationship s difficult as I battle the demons in my head. I have worked in my progression for the last 29 years starting as a young lad in 1987..

I had a car crash in 1995 it was serious and nearly lost my life. I have a huge scar on my forehead that reminds me every day. I mention this because reading other stories I realise since 1995 I have recklessly wondered through life ...

I am scared to take sick leave as I fear what people say . I also worry a lot about what my elderly parents and older brother and his family would say. They are not the types that would understand this and what is wrong with me.. it hurts me to say that

Alcohol played a big part of my life as an escape but caused me even more problems.. but not any longer

You see I am so confused and muddled I cannot think hence why I am here I guess. I have no clue what I should do , suicide is never far away from my head , but is probably something I could never do as I am not that brave...

All this sounds stupid I know but I can't cope anymore

[tofler in reply to Gazzathomas]

It doesn't sound stupid at all and I can very much relate to feeling confused and muddled and to be feeling suicidal at times a well. It's difficult when we can't talk to family members about how we're feeling. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers about this as we don't have to worry so much about what they might think of us and if they'll understand etc. Please don't underestimate what a powerful and debilitating illness depression can be. It can get very scary at times. It's possible to find a way out of this "prison" and to reduce how much impact it has on us but it's not an easy journey, but one which is well worth all the time and effort. Have you noticed any improvement since you were started on mirtazepine? So sorry to hear about your car crash and the visible reminder if this that you see every day.

[Gazzathomas in reply to tofler]

I think the mirtazapine is having some effect though not sure what at the moment. I think it's helping but may need to increase the dosage . I was thinking of taking two pills at night instead of the one 15mg to see if that improves things

I am worried if I loose my job what I will do for money as I only have a small amount of savings available and that won't last in paying my debts and rent . So that doesn't he!p me. I am going to spend today in bed to see if that helps for tomorrow as another weekly struggle begins

[tofler]

Well that sounds like a good reason to stay at work whilst trying to get better, I reckon. It still might be time to have another conversation with your doctor though, especially if you're thinking about increasing your dose of mirtazepine. Has your doc offered to refer you for any counselling or talking therapy?

Getting plenty of rest can be helpful, as long as it also doesn't lead to you feeling bored and/or ruminating about how difficult things are at the moment and where it all went wrong etc. Remember to try and eat well and drink plenty of water, especially on those days when you want to lie in bed for long periods of time. Can you think of anything at all (no matter how small) that makes you feel the tiniest better, even if it's a very brief improvement? For example, any favourite places to visit, hobbies, interests or any favourite food or drinks? When I'm having a better day, I try to treat my depression like some sort of project, or a problem that I'm determined to solve or conquer. But on my bad days, the depression wins and kicks the stuffing out of me!