This is hard for me to write...

[anonaway]

I genuinely don't know where to start.

I don't even know if most of this will make sense. But for me daily life is a struggle. Even though my life from the outside seems good. Ever since I had post natal depression and managed to get 'over' that I've never felt right in this world. It was two years ago, but I've always managed by myself. I always know that at the very top of my priorities is my three year old daughter. She is the reason when I get urges to do stuff, I don't do it. She saves me in a way.

On a very bad day. I get these urges to randomly do stuff, like jump in front of a car. Or to drain my whole rent money on nothing. Or just give up completely because there's no hope. I'll stare in the mirror and completely hate myself and see a person I don't know, that I hate and despise and suddenly want to not be here. The only way I can see myself out of the sad, is to flee or not be alive. I can't self soothe in the slightest, I heavily depend on other people to make me feel loved or that I'm needed in this world. I feel the world is a horrible place and I just don't fit in. And I know I love my daughter but sometimes I have no urge to play or do things with her. And on a very bad day I'll want to self harm. But j never do these things bevause of my daughter. Ever. It feels like psychical pain not to, but I still do it.

On a good day I can laugh but it feels empty or false. On a good day I might go out and enjoy the sun or get on with my coursework. But the good never lasts and I can flit from mood to mood in about five seconds.

I have a boyfriend who tries very hard to make me happy and I genuinely love him and I know he makes me feel real happiness. But I get these urges to say nasty stuff form nowhere and of he ever says no to anyrhing (even though I know it's reasonable) it feels like heartbreak. So if he's busy and I know it's a valid reason, I take it personally like he hates me. And he struggles alot because he has autism. But he does his best.

I can't talk to my doctor as the last time I visited I mentioned this stuff and he said that I should go on tablets for depression and I asked for some sort of counselling and he point blank said no and that I had to take the tablets.

No one professional knows I'm living like this, I'm scared people will judge me on looking after my daughter by myself. I don't know what to do or even where to start but someone suggested I talk on here and possibly show a different doctor?

I just don't know what to do.

If you read this far, thank you. Genuinely from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate it.

[Anxiety_Aunt_]

100% go and see another doctor. Anti depressants should be paired with talking therapy or some sort of councilling best suited to your needs. I wouldnt dismiss anti depressant tablets though (I’m not sure if you are but...) I was so unsure as to whether I should go on them and felt like I’ll be able to find something within myself one day that will pull me out of my pit that I was in until one week I just felt beyond words can describe and I HAD to try something. I’ve been on sertraline for 5 months and I can honestly say it’s the happiest and at peace I’ve ever been. I’ve even started to enjoy fashion and have an interest in making myself look presentable again and feel like I have an identity. My relationship with my boyfriend has got it’s strength back - I very nearly lost him and I wouldn’t have blamed him, I was horrible to him! (obviously due to my emotions). Please see another doctor, don’t give up on yourself. There is light at the end of all this- I PROMISE!! Here if you need anything. Love xxx

[anonaway in reply to Anxiety_Aunt_]

It's not that I don't want to take the medication I just don't know what is wrong, and they tried to fob me off. I know what depression feels like, and it didn't feel like this before. Thank you for your kind words, I think i will try another doctor for sure.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello anonaway,

I note from your profile, that this is the first time you have posted here since you joined, so welcome to our supportive community. Well done for taking a brave step out of your comfort zone to reach out for help. Hopefully you will find folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences. You are obviously having a difficult time right now and I urge you to be strong and ask for help from your medical professionals, (go to another GP or consider changing practice). You are entitled to ask for a referral to your local community mental health team (CMHT) for diagnosis and treatment. This may include medication, but it can encompass a whole range of therapies that can help you. Check out this NHS link to accessing mental health services in UK:

nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSs...

Also, check out Mind UK for a lot of really useful MH info, here's a link to info re post-natal depression: mind.org.uk/information-sup...

Do check out our Pinned Post section for free mental health guides.

As you live in the UK keep these crisis support helplines handy:

The Samaritans Tel: 116 123 [24 hours line]

NHS: 999 [Emergencies]

NHS 111 [Non-Emergencies]

MIND UK charity: Helpline Tel: [phone] [e-mail] Text: 86463 mind.org.uk/information-sup...

SANEline Tel: [phone] [4.30pm – 10.30pm daily] sane.org.uk/

Keep in touch!

Best wishes, MAS Nurse

[anonaway in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you ever so much for this. I didn't know I was entitled to ask for anything, doctors seem to know best nowadays and that's that. But i think I will try !

[MarcsSG]

Hello anonaway, i too have depression and I understand why and how you feel living like that. I also go through these thoughts frequently. Unfortunately for me, i am in the army and am not convenient to take antidepressants as the side effects will affect my work. Therefore I can only go for counselling to get better. I would say it is quite difficult because without the antidepressants our negative thinking from depression makes it somehow really difficult to absorb anything in a sense.

However, I feel it is important for you to be comfortable with whatever you are putting into your body. Antidepressants indeed do have some side effects. So do go ahead and find another doctor that can help you.