So...

[CJ2016]

The urge to cut deeper is starting to get stronger,i resisted the temptation to begin with for a long long time,then eventually what went from plucking the hairs out of my arms,then led to dragging tweezers across my arms,to then finally giving into temptation and using razor blades to cut into my arms.

Obviously cutting is not good,and not normal to say the least,i am fully ware of what i am doing,i don't go into a state or a zone,i could be feeling fine and still cut,i have never cut so deep that hospital treatment is required.

The reason i do not cut deep is because no one(well apart from you lot,and 1 other person) do not know that i have been cutting for months,i hide it,hoodies have become my best friend(granted when it's warm it sucks but meh).

I cut deep enough to bleed,but not bleed to the point where its flowing everywhere,nothing has changed around me,my mood's are still swinging between fine and down at the moment,its been a while since i have felt on a "High" so to speak.

My motivation is pretty crap at the moment,everything feels like a chore,heck even work is starting to feel like a chore,compared to only a couple of months ago where i just loved working.

And to be honest when i started my job(almost a year ago) i felt like a completely different person then,i was working out,eating clean,motivated,confident,felt like the energizer bunny,then novemberish my mood started to freefall.

And its been like that since(again) anyway i seem to be going off topic,

But yeah the urge to cut deep has started to "appear" or i have the urge to cut deeper,don't know how to word it,and i have always seemed to have had a problem with impulse or urge as you will.

But yeah it's getting harder making sure not to cut deep,because it would/could mean needing to get stitches or whatever,and thus opening pandroa's box and letting everyone around me how screwed i am on in the inside.

Anyway yeah,just needed to get that off my chest,no one has to actually read it,but yeah.

[LoriMS61]

Get your ass to the Doctors. You said you would!

Throw those razors away right now. Grow a beard if you have to! Remove the temptation.

I would kick your butt for you, but I respect and rely on the anonymity.

Lori

P.s I'm allowed to say all of this, because I've been saying it for months-but I can also remove it CJ if it bothers you.

[CJ2016]

Hey Lori,i am fine with what you said,because i know what your saying is true,and also i think you understand by now how stubborn i actually am,even when it means it can be detrimental to my self.

And funny you should say about the beard growing as i have been tempted to grow one,just seems to take ages for it to grow.

[LoriMS61 in reply to CJ2016]

I do know how stubborn you can be, I know how seductive that pull is. I know what it feels like to hurt yourself.

I feel like I can say these things because I'm invested in you. I am Invested in your skin being unscarred and your blood staying inside of your body.

Grow a beard-but only if you chuck the razors. Get yourself back to the gym, you enjoyed that. All the guys are buff with beards nowadays. Go flirt with the gym buddies, and egg on the sad sacks like myself huffing and puffing their way through the pain and humiliating muscle spams.

What would you say if I started cutting myself again? Would it upset you? Would it not bother you? I wouldn't be offended if it didn't, you wouldn't know me from Eve in the street.

I hate myself so much I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror. I constantly doubt my husbands love because it doesn't make sense that a hot piece of ass love me. I will never measure up to the version of myself I thought that I should be. I've lost so many people that I'm good at writing Eulogies. I'd even written my own at one point.

BUT, I know that when I don't take the medication I feel so much worse. I know this because I asked my GP if I could reduce my ADs. Suffice to say that that lasted all of five days because I was knocked back hard.

Please go, please, please, please, please, please, please.

Lori

Xxx

[CJ2016 in reply to LoriMS61]

Yeah it would hurt me knowing that you are self harming,as much as it pains me to say it,but when my "Mask" is on everyone see's me as heartless and cold sometimes i can be(i can't controll that aspect)

But at times my emotions feel so strong that it feels like my head is going to explode,so yeah even though i do not know you on a personal level,knowing that your hurting your self or huting in general,just hurts me even more.

I guess in a sense i am more sensitive to other's peoples pain at times then what i actually show.

And i can relate to the self hate,and hating ones body, i mean at the moment its not helping because i am gaining weight because of the way my mood's have been for the last couple 8 months odd,so its gone from an extreme high to an extreme low again.

And add to the fact that it is starting to play on my mind,because i am more ware,that obviously this can't be normal behavior or a normal way to be just add's on more to the 100s of other crap going through my head.

Basically the way i would want to approach the whole Dr thing is if no one in my family even knew about my problem's because they are my problem's and they have their own problem's and they don't need my problems on top of their problem's.

But i do really apperciate everything you say,and apperciate you taking the time to reply to all my posts.

Random addition this comment: If i had one "super hero" power it would be the ability to heal other people,the reason for this would not be for fame,not for fortune,and would happily do it anonymously.

Because that's the extent of my emotion's that i feel when other people are suffering.(only way i could sort of describe the whole emotion thing)

Xxx

[LoriMS61 in reply to CJ2016]

Phew, was going out on a limb there. Pun intended.

That's a really nice super power to have, and for those that want the healing, I imagine they would be grateful. But if I had that super power would you let me heal you?

I'm stuck in a bit of a redundant circle at the moment. I go to the gym twice a week and see a trainer, and still eat like shit. I found out the other day that I weigh more than I did when I started Slimming World years ago. I lost four and a half stone and have put all of that back on and more. What did I do? I ate a medium dominos pizza.

I know that you don't want to burden your family, you don't have to tell them about the GP.

I don't think you are coping on your own any more and really think you need help. I think you need a new release for when things get pent up. Just like I need a new way of responding to eating my feelings. My self harm will just take a lot longer to kill me, and I've already got the horrid stretch marks to prove it.

I have a family history of heart problems, lung problems and cancer. I'm essentially a ticking time bomb, and I'm knocking off hours and days by shoving delicious calories down my trap.

But back to you, the best gift you could get me for Christmas would be a picture of your arm with all of your wounds healed. And that doesn't mean hurting yourself elsewhere. Do you think you could do that? Do 2 and a bit months not hurting yourself?

If you don't want me to continue replying because I'm doing your head in, just say. I just want what's best for you.

Lori

Xxx

[CJ2016 in reply to LoriMS61]

Would i let you heal me? i don't know,honestly deep down everything i feel,all the emotions,the pain that i see,the pain i tend to feel,it's my "cross to bare" so to speak.

As stupid as it sounds(if your into religion or whatever) they say Jesus carried his cross etc etc took beatings and all that,but the way i feel,and have always felt,is that if that really happened,no one man should have to be punished for another man's being.

Thus i would rather carry my own pain take my own pain, "carry my own cross" and thats just the way it has always been.

In regard's to your weight gain,check out an app called MyFitnessPal,it helped me by telling me what food had what in it,and basically you put your hight and weight into it and it will tell you your calorie deficit.

In regards to family history of health problem's i know that feeling too.

And yeah i will try i mean i have gone days without cutting,but kept busy by doing other thing's but i dont always have the motivation to do other things.

But yeah i will try, not only that my brother is getting married next year and if we end up having going for a suit fitting then i would be in a bit of a predicament to say the least in trying to hide my arms.

Xxx

[paultryinabegood]

Please don't cut, I've nearly lost the use of my right hand and it all started with light cutting, then deeper n then I nearly died, main artery and tendons high on drugs, be careful friend, it's tool me ten years too stop, hope ur ok tho, and please keep talking, coz that's how I stopped, gid bless cj

[CJ2016 in reply to paultryinabegood]

I consider my self an aware cutter so to speak,odd thing to say i know,i mean i even bought new blades to cut,as i was using an old blade and it took a lot of pressure to actually cut,so in the end i bought new ones.

I then use antiseptic cream to put on the cuts,as well as making sure to clean the blade after using(it's kind of a ritual on how i do the cutting)

At first i was pretty cautious using them,because they cut so easily,but yeah i understand what your saying man and apperciate the feedback

I have read people say they started off cutting and thinking it was a one off two off,and that they would stop,but it is addicting to some extent i guess.

[Hidden]

No matter how aware you are self mutilation is never normal and can be very dangerous. Get yourself some help immediately. Refusing to go to the doctor is not 'stubborn' but stupid. Did you know the most common death in men aged 25 to 40 is suicide? Do you want to be a statistic or a survivor? Make your mind up...

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah i am aware of the Statistic,and yeah i guess you are right in that i am being stupid in not getting help,and i am aware of the impact of suicide as my cousin hung him self in 2013,and the impact it has on family.

I have had suicidal thoughts since 14,although i don't have them as much as i use to,and i don't cut in any attempt,and i am fully ware of how much damage can be done from cutting,be it from cutting too deep or from infection.

Also if i was ever going to "do the deed" then since age 14 i have thought of couple of method's and i know which i would choose,and bleeding to death would not be one of them.

So thats why i make sure not to go "to deep" although recently the urge to cut deeper is there. Just like the thought of killing my self has always been there,and no matter how hard life has been,seeing numerous people i have cared about die infront of my very eyes . I will not take my life not yet. and maybe not ever.

I know which way i would need to cut if i wanted to "end it" and i make sure to avoid that situation by obviously not cutting in that direction, i know the depth i need to cut,and i even know the method that is used to stop the clotting, but it does not mean i am going to do it.

But yeah for now i am surviving just..as it stand's i would not put my family through what my cousin put his family through when he hung him self.

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

Those people with untreated depression can escalate to suicide. Why do you think they sometimes kill themselves? Coz they keep it all inside just like you. How would you feel if a loved one was going through this and denied you the chance to help them? I know how I would feel - guilty, unloved, not trusted...

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

Well i am pretty sure if i was going to kill my self i would of done it a long time ago. The way i am now is nothing compared to how i use to be.

Now i swing from high to low where as before i was just on a constant low.

Now my mood's are just various unpredictable.

And yes i know it's stupid not seeking help etc etc,but i can't help how i feel in regards of going to the Drs. Some people find it easier then others asking for help.

I find it difficult,more then difficult,asking for help,i have always done stuff by my self,i have never expected help,and have always hated asking for help if i ever needed it.

I know its simple,go to the Drs or risk going further down hill, on a bad or days,or weeks, or months.

And it may even seem trivial to you or others about the Drs,but honestly its always been a life long thing of where i avoid the Drs if i can. It's not that i don't want help or don't think i need help.

Its just not as easy as saying go to the Drs its difficult to explain in words how it is or how it is i feel when it may sound as simple as saying go to the Drs.

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

And? There is nothing new here - do you think you are the only person who has ever felt like that? I too hate going to the doctors and asking for help coz I also am very independent and sort my own life out.

It's not a sign of weakness to admit you need help occasionally, but strength. Don't you know that? Maybe you are too immature yet to understand this?

Make that appointment and stop making excuses.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

Then i guess i must be "too immature" because my stance stays the same regardless, and i don't need an excuse not to go,only facts.

And the fact is regardless unless it get's really bad,i will refuse to go point blank, until it reaches a stage where im completely in the gutter.

Today i feel different from yesterday,i feel fine,dont feel down,dont feel up feel somewhat normal whatever normal is.

Tommorow that may change,i may feel like i can run a marthon or i may lock my self away from everyone for a couple of days, or i may still feel how i feel today ,moods are unpredictable period,just deal with the cards that im given.

Im not dead,yet, and when i feel i really need to go(to the drs) then i will have no choice,at the moment,i am far from standing on the edge of that cliff and jumping.

Venting on here is a good start because it gets stuff off my chest,that would otherwise normally just tick around in my head over and over and over.

You can say im stupid,immature,living in cloud coocoo land a fool or whatever,the only one that can change my mind is me.

I apperciate what everone says on here,and the fact that they take the time to reply on here.

But end of the day the only person that can do something about any given situation is my self. And yeah i guess my behavior is not normal i know it,im not stupid to that fact.

I guess you could say i am burying my head in the sand by avoiding getting help. And i guess i am,but im still here.

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

Well that's up to you if you decide to carry on cutting your arms to pieces. You have a lot of places still to cut so enjoy.

I'm done.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

apperciate your response

[LoriMS61]

Random idea- and if it works, and I save lives, I'm totally taking the credit...

Have you heard of phantom limb pain? The pain that amputees feel in the place where their limb should be? Have you heard of one of the treatments that they use?

They get a mirror and place it next to the remaining limb. They then message that limb. Whilst massaging the remaining limb, the amputee only focuses on the limb in the mirrors reflection. This tricks the brain into believing the severed limb is still ther.

Perhaps you could do that? Buy a tonne of play doh, get a mirror, and stab or cut the play doh whilst focusing on the reflection of your arm. You said you don't do it for the pain.

What do you think?

[CJ2016 in reply to LoriMS61]

Sound's like a random idea lol,but it may well work,and yeah i have actually heard of that with thing in regards to phantom limbs etc,think i seen it on tv once. And in regards to not doing it for the pain yeah i don't do it for the pain. in fact when i do cut it honestly does not feel that painful.

But yeah sounds like one way of tricking the brain into thinking that your self harming to an extent. Kind of fries my head just thinking about trying to trick my own brain lol.

[LoriMS61 in reply to CJ2016]

That's where I got the idea from. I used to watch House with Hugh Lawrie and Grey's Anatomy. Worth a go if it works.

[CJ2016 in reply to LoriMS61]

Im thinking house is where i seen it too,because i use to watch that show as well.

[Hidden]

I totally get you and just saying though really you should stop cutting as i keep telling myself but one thing i realised is that after cutting consecutively for days it kinds of just becomes a habit and you basically get used to it. Soooo if you put it off for a few days then when you cut, even if its a light one, the effects would be so much stronger. Just FYI and something that i try to do is that i ask myself do i really want to cut or is it just a 'natural' thing to do like is it just a habit now. And also if i really do want to cut then i think the feeling can hold off for awhile so i tell myself to cut at night like really late if by then i still want to cut then i do it. If not then i go to sleep. Maybe you can try setting a time for yourself too?

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

yeah the urge to cut has been there for a long long time,and eventually just did it,again and again and again and again,etc,etc if i keep busy or keep my mind occupied,granted the urge is still there,but im busy so it don't feel as strong as it does when im not doing nothing.

I ask my self all the time why am i cutting,but i still do it anyway, do i really want to cut? well the urge to cut tells me yes,my brain tells me its not a normal thing to be doing,but i still do it anyway.

I manage a 2 or 3 days without cutting, then i eventually go back to it,feed into the urge basically, it could well be a habbit,something to do,to feed the constant feeling of being bored.

Maybe i get a bit of a rush from seeing my self bleed,i honestly don't know,if i am working,then i sometimes cut a couple of hours before work just so that when im moving stuff around in work it does not cause the cut to rebleed.

If i am not working then i cut whenever i cut, its strange to talk about it as if its nothing,maybe its due to my current mood of feeling fine/motivated/ feel a bit of a energy surge but its never given this mood will last due to it swinging up and down and not really knowing how my mood is going to be on any given day.

Maybe its a case of some people jump out of planes,some people go diving,some people drive fast cars,etc,maybe its the same sort of buz that i get from cutting,its not a given thats the case it never lasts,and sometimes feel nothing at all from doing it.

I was doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and kickboxing for a while,that give a little buzz, but finances played a part in putting doing that to bed, and pretty much a month or two after that thats when the cutting started,although my mood had felt on the slide a few months before that.

At the moment i can't say i am feeling depressed because my mood feels that of what you feel with excitement,only i have nothing to feel excited about which just makes that all the more strange. But nothing new to me.

But i get what your saying,its kind of strange because people react in different way's too these kind of things,i mean part of not going to the Drs is like yeah im feeling good at the moment feeling that energy surge,there is nothing wrong with me so why go to the Drs.

I mean i had 10 months of pure energised motivation working out 4 days a week eating cleanly counting calories, just complete dedication to doing what i was doing until the mood changes.

But then when the mood swing's back to a low its like total crash of a party buzz type of thing. But anyway apperciate the reply

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

Hey no probs dude. Im pretty much the same, in a pretty low period with my exams and all. They say that cutting produces endorphins like drugs do and they basically make you feel high so thats probably what we're feeling.

I think my low period really started to get worse when i stopped exercising maybe thats why you are feeling low too i mean you did say that you stopped doing jiu jitsu and kick boxing(which is AWESOME btw) so maybe you should try doing some light activities like cycling or jogging again just once in a while perhaps you'll feel better? I used to hate running but i enjoy the feeling of freedom when i can stop whenever i want to and i can run anywhere too.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

hey man yeah i read that in regards to the endorphins,suppose its like chasing that magic dragon so to speak.

And yeah i think regular exercise kept me on a streight and narrow path and kept me occupied,but eventually the mood swings just dictated my life style that being of just doing nothing and just pigging out basically.

It ive tried and keep trying to get back to that life style of working out and eating cleanly(the working out part is easy i have a gym area in the house) so i can do it whenever i want.

But its finding that motivation that i had before,and its hard not going to lie,the motivation at times is just dead in the water.

Whenever i do something i like to do it in a set path for example when i was working out 4 days a week i would wake up early,have breakfast have a protein shake at lunch wait an hr then do my work out,then have another protein shake,then have my main meal of the day then have another protein shake before bed.

And then the next day would be rest day and thats one of the problems,rest days are hard because being bored sets in again,its bascially a case of needing constant arousal needing that constant buzz.

When im not,i am just bored,then when im bored,my brain is just going tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick and i just think about everything and my brain wont switch off,then my moods become unpredictable i can b depressed,angry,cold hearted at times and just all around feeling crappy.

And its been a case of always being that way,as a teenager i was just a fat kid constantly gaming that was my addiction gaming gaming gaming just having an objective a goal an aim.

Then that changed to working out,working out became my life going from a fat man to a more respectable average(more fitter) indvidual.

Then mood swings changed that to being up down up down angry annoyed sometimes ok just swings and round about's trying to get back that same feeling of when i was living that healthy life style.

It feels like a lifetime ago but it was only last year, the years before that were more darker and i was in a darker place,just a fat boy gamer who had nothing going for him.

In that 10 months of pure energised go,i managed to bag my self a job and everything,but its just stupid how the mood changes everything.

[LoriMS61]

How about today? Did you hurt yourself today? Is there a specific time of day that is harder for you?

Lori

[CJ2016]

Hey lori,only got back from work about an hour ago,so have kept busy,and so far nope i have not cut although the urge is there the temptation is always there,but so far i have not cut today.