New to this, need help

[Maisymona]

I'm new to this site, I've just signed up as I've had a massive blow outs struggling with anxiety and depression and having terrible feelings. Worst I've ever felt, just want it all to end

[LoriMS61]

Hi Maisymona,

Welcome to our community. I'm sorry that you are having a tough time. Do you want to tell us more about yourself to see if we can help?

Lori

[bailey01]

Yes tell us more hun. Believe us we've been there and you Will start to feel better X X

[Maisymona in reply to bailey01]

Well I'm just struggling with me, I don't feel like I'm good, I seem to do everything wrong, I can't stand socialising but I still do it but I feel I'm not good enough cus I don't do it right or I don't do it enough. I don't feel I can talk to friends when I'm down cus I don't wanna put it on them but then I feel bad for going quiet. I just feel I can't win, I've been trying to do more, I went to the doctors for help, I'm pulling my weight around the house, I'm exercising, I'm doing all I can to be a normal person but I feel it's never good enough. I just can't stand this, I feel completely inadequate, I just can't take much more

[Westie-love]

This is how I feel Maisymona I was out last night with friends, but felt so uncomfortable, I just wanted to get out of there, I have completed a course of Cognative behaviour therapy, but just when I was getting somewhere it stopped, we are good enough, we just don't realise it, I was texting my crisis centre whils out as it helps, I too feel unable to talk to friends as have already lost a few and don't want to lose any more. What have the Dr's given you, as it might need changed. Here for you, this page is fantastic, as we are all going through similar things x

[Maisymona in reply to Westie-love]

I'm sorry to hear you feel the same, it sucks so much. Ah I'm kinda nervous about going to cbt, I just really want it to work! What's your crisis centre? I've never heard of a place you can text, it sounds perfect. I'm sorry to hear you've lost friends, it's such a hard thing to deal with. I'm on Sentraline at the moment, need to go to the doctors this week anyway as running low on them. It's nice to know I'm not alone. X

[semiautomatic in reply to Maisymona]

I often feel the same to Maisymona. I only have 2 friends, and one of them is my partner, because I let the fear that I won't be good enough around others get to me so much that I just decide not to bother and be lonely instead. I think that what you've done and what you are doing is a really difficult thing in itself - to find the motivation to carry on with all these functioning things despite seeing no obvious benefits to it for now.

[Westie-love in reply to Maisymona]

Crisis centre is a counselling service, you can go for one to one counselling , you can stay overnight, they also, do it over phone or text, it is the one place that is 24 hrs and there is always someone available, I would not be here now if it hadn't been for them, it's worth asking your GP if you have something similar in your area.

[Maisymona in reply to Westie-love]

Thank you, I will do. It would be amazing if I could find something like that

[thunderacer in reply to Maisymona]

You are far from alone Maiseymona, hi, I'm Steve by the way.... I have suffered with depression for about 26 year's on and off. When I was younger and it first happened I didn't know WTF. was going on, couldn't do my job, couldn't socialise and knew nothing about depression and was a lot more stigma about it back then so didn't know where to turn... It lasted about 3 months then disappeared after stopping taking the medication when I left them at home when I had a holiday. It stayed away for about 6/7 years but then came back for about 6 months, again 2 years later again it lasted about 6 months trying to carry on working but a lot of sick day's. It came back about a year later but lasted 2 years and was quite bad, I ended up having to be admitted to a mental health ward for about 3 months after attempting suicide (could not think of a reason not to) wouldn't do the again though, 50 paracetamol and woke up with a bloody banging headache 😂

Since then it has come back quite regularly, I have just learned to accept it will, I started having ECT. It works for me as it has brought down the time suffering to about 3 months. I have no triggers that I can identify yet! I have changed jobs, was a chef for 17 year's, thought it may have been my way of life but it wasn't, am now an air conditioning engineer and love my job but it still comes back. Sorry this is so long winded but what I am trying to say is that there is always hope, it does go away and you are doing nothing wrong.... . I feel lucky (ironically) That my depression comes in bouts (don't think I could cope with not knowing how I was gonna feel do to day hour to hour) I just accept it is going to come back and keep researching about depression to hopefully one day figure out what works for me!!! We are all different when it comes to treatment, tablets do not work for me, av tried many combinations, not through choice but now, when I feel the depression coming back I just call my psychiatrists Secretary to get an appointment and she books me in for ECT as an out patient and I have 2 a week until I am better.

Good luck in your journey to wellness, hopefully you find what works for you! 😁

[Maisymona in reply to thunderacer]

Wow thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I can't imagine 26 years of it! I am only 20 but I've had 2 bouts of anxiety and depression before but this time it is a lot worse than ever before, I'm actually scared of what will happen next, I can't seem to get out of it. What is ect? I hope mine will go away soon, I have an appointment for cbt in a couple of weeks but may end up going back to the doctors sooner as every day is a struggle at the moment and I feel so alone

[thunderacer]

ECT treatment is a bit of a controversial. One (electric convulsive treatment) as it is used as a last resort when medications don't work! I had been offered it before but had seen the film (one flew over the cookoo's nest) and refused it but then the next time, after a bang to the head, my depression came back again and after 15 months was still bad so I decided to try it, it worked, to my surprise and from the start of the treatment I started to notice a difference, the psychiatrist prescribed a course of 12 over a six week period (Tuesdays and fridays) I was an in-patient that time, I ended up having 10 and was back to work 2 weeks after the final one. I was bloody amazed that it worked, and so quickly... My depression still returns but I now just call the psychiatrist's Secretary to make an appointment when I start to notice it coming back, she books me in with the clinic and I have to go and get a blood test, an ECG and a chest X-ray and now have the treatment as an out patient. The least I have had is 6 treatments the most (which was this year) was 16, felt it coming back in April, was back in work by beginning of June. The trouble with depression is that people are Different! A treatment that works for 1 person may have no effect on another, I suppose our body chemistry is similar but unique to ourselves and our brains use the synaptic fluids differently and we become used to our speed of thought and clarity. (may be what makes our personalities different, I don't know as I am not a doctor, just my opinion) so I suppose we have to figure out what works for us.

Good luck and I hope you find the thing that helps you. Research the illness not the symptoms, you will see how many people suffer from it and that there is always hope (easy to say when I am well not so easy to believe when I am depressed 😁) I wish you all the best on your journey. Smiles always help 🤗

Steve.

[Maisymona in reply to thunderacer]

Hey,

Ah I thought it might have been that but I wasn't sure. Wow that must have been terriffying the first time! I'm going to the doctors today as I'm needed to get a repeat prescription anyway and want to know if I'm feeling worse because my body is getting used to the tablets (been on them nearly a month) I still get the wiped out zombie feeling from them but I now take them at night to try and combat that. Im finding talking to people on here helps and I opened up to a friend face to face for the first time ever yesterday and told her actually how bad it got. Hopefully things will get easier, I'm feeling slightly more positivite today, though saying that I'm still in bed lol. I'm glad to hear you are well, I hope it lasts what do you do when it gets bad, as in the minutes and hours when it's at its worst? That's the thing I feel I need most help with, when you're in the moment and you need to talk yourself down and there's no doctors around and nobody to help. That's what most scares me, I know I'm on the right path, on medication, waiting to see a therapist, but I just feel as if I can't wait that long if that makes sense, at times I feel I can't ever wait till the following day let alone 6 weeks to see someone. Do you have any coping strategies? What do you do in the moment?

Thanks for chatting.

Maisy

[thunderacer in reply to Maisymona]

Mine is slightly different, it is mainly depression I get, the anxiety comes if I have to do something but to be honest I basically do nothing for the length of my depression, because I can't... I become reclusive, don't talk to people, don't answer the phone or door and relly. On close family for support, I won't drive or ride my motorbike as I don't feel alert enough to my environment, basically I just go into a sort of survival mode. Have tried lots of different anti-depressants, combinations of, CBT, hypnosis, acupuncture, books, relaxation tapes but nothing seems to prevent it from returning... I now feel that I have no outside triggers after reading what I write down during each episode now(am looking for patterns and trying to work out and learn about MY DEPRESSION! I CALL IT, . "IT" and not because of the Scarry clown in the film but because it feels more Scarry than that, because it is real and happening to me.

Steve

[Maisymona in reply to thunderacer]

I have no idea if mine is anxiety or depression, well I know it's both but don't always know which one I'm feeling as I end up getting anxious and panicky once I feel really depressed so it's a bit of both. Wow that must be awful, sounds like you have it really bad when it hits. glad to hear you have the support of family though wow it sounds like you have tried everything, I'm glad you've found something that works for you. I went and saw my doctor this morning and I've changed my medication over, the one I was on was making me really drowsy but apparently it's unusual on thst medication so they've swapped it. Hopefully soon you will be able to find out a bit more about your triggers. IT the clown is scary enough on its own! I hope things work out for you and if you want to chat I'm here.

[thunderacer in reply to Maisymona]

Hi again, thank you for the reply, hopefully I won't need to talk for at least 12 months now, although I am in court next week over rights to see my daughter (who is 5)

I broke 1of the terms of seeing her and the X (b@#ch) has sent me a summons to go and see the magistrate's. But thanks for the offer, I talk to anyone about it when I'm well (not embarrassed by it anymore it took a while though) my work mates even take the pi## out of me about it when I go back 😁 they say I have to be recharged every 12/18 months and sing electric avenue to me, great bunch of lads! They also know when I'm I'll not to bother calling or texting me and don't take offence 😁

I hope your new media work better for you, they take about 4 weeks to get into your system and balance out. I take 225 my of EffexorXL (Venlafaxine) have done for 14 years but still get depressed whilst taking them!

Be happy, Steve

[Maisymona in reply to thunderacer]

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds horrible, I hope it all works out well for you at court. Hopefully they'll see it's important to have both parents in a child's life. Im somewhat the same, really open to talking about issues, the thing I struggle with is the feelings attached, im happy for people to know I have depression and anxiety but I don't go into how it makes me feel. Haha oh god, sounds like a right laugh, at least they understand you and the situation. Thank you, here's to hoping, I've tried a lot of different ones previously so fingers crossed this one works.

Good luck with everything coming up with your daughter.

Be happy too

Maisy

[thunderacer in reply to Maisymona]

Court will be fine, thanks. If I'm honest I did it on purpose to get a reaction had got the papers to do it myself was just waiting for a spare £200 to send with it, money gets a bit tight when you've been off work for 3 and a half months just on statutory sick pay from work so looking on the bright side she has saved me the money lol.she uses my depression to keep me away and my time with her has had to be supervised for the last two years by my parents but they are in their 70's now and 140 mile round trip is getting a Bit much for them every other Saturday and can only have her from 10am - 5pm, there is no need to be supervised, I can look after my nephew and nieces. And friends children but am not allowed to be with my daughter unsupervised. 😬 lol.

[Maisymona in reply to thunderacer]

Wow that's a long way to travel! Must be really hard for your parents. Hopefully the courts will understand and it's such a shame she's using your depression againstyou. Hopefully this'll give you both a resolution your both happy with

[thunderacer in reply to Maisymona]

Would be nice but I suspect not! I have asked many times for more access and to be unsupervised but she flat down ignores my requests, its all about control with her and she is two faced, nice as pie when she hands Faye over but interrogates her when she gets home, I don't ask anything about my X

From Faye as we split over 4 years ago and any feelings either way about her are long gone am just not interested in her life only if it effects mine and Faye relationship or her safety!

Also she doesn't do mediation or compromise, it's about time she grew up. lol🙅

[Maisymona in reply to thunderacer]

Well hopefully the court can see both sides and make an agreement for you both. Surely if you raise the issue then they have to address it. Doesn't sound much fun for your daughter having to be questioned poor kid. fingers crossed the court realises that she needs to see you more and works out a plan with you and your ex. Good luck

[thunderacer in reply to Maisymona]

Thanks, I don't Slaggyford her mom off too her at all, it bugs that I have to lie to Faye when she asks questions, she has just come back from holidays with her mom and aunties, they went to Turkey which caused some concern for me as they booked it the day before the military coup had taken place! And still went... Was not happy about it but I can't say anything and have no say on it... But when I saw her on Saturday she told me I was going to go on holiday with her next time... What can I say, I have to tell her daddy works a lot and won't. Be able to sorry. But then she is disappointed 😞.

It just makes no sense... She makes out it is all about Faye safety because I get depression but she can take her to a bloody war zone that has suicide bombings weekly!!! Just makes no sense at all (sorry rant over 😁) lol. And how are you today?

How many times you smiled. 😝😂🤓has been very hot here today😌😎

[Maisymona in reply to thunderacer]

Hey. Oh no, soundslike w horrible situation to be in, feel free to rant anytime. I don't get why she would think you were unsafe aroundher just because you have depression! Makes no sense. A child needs their dad in their life. Have you tried writing down how you feel and why you ask for what you do and send it in a letter to your ex? Maybe she will understand if it's here in black and white. I've been a lot better today thanks,the last two or three days were really hard so I'm so relived to feel a bit more normaltoday. How about you? Yeah it was really hot at one point but seems almost stormynow. How about where you are? Haha yeah a lot more smiles today (until my new scales came and I saw how much I weighed lol ) you?

[thunderacer in reply to Maisymona]

Was working in the middle of Birmingham, Culmore row, fitting air conditioning in an old building, it even has a Gentleman's club in the basement! No women allowed apparently and £5000 a year membership, stuff that, wonder how much the drinks are. lol, worked 5am till 5pm today back in at 5.30,

In the garage at the moment fixing up my motorbike, been giving it a dam good service, it's her birthday lol 20years old and deserves a makeover, winters coming so no rush, do it properly! (or as well as I can anyway) I am living in Coventry atm, originally from a village near Tamworth but have lived a lot of places when I was a chef.. How about you?

I was just used for a baby I think by the ex!! Asked me to leave about a month after Faye was born, she told me as much (after) was a little nieve me thinks in hindsight!!!

She told me she would use anything to stop me seeing Faye and she did, hence I took it to court, missed a whole year of seeing my little girl, could understand if I had been cheating or violent and abusive but I wasn't, honestly, I just worked hard, came home did the cooking. Felt used, she wouldn't answer the phone, text, letters and when I did go around to try and see her and take her birthday presents she called the police, that's when the nice police man told me to do it in court and play her game. So sad but I. Can understand a little from her up bringing, her dad left her mom with 4 girls under 5 and then proceeded to drink until he died at 45,sad too, the ex had 2 sons before we met and neither of the dad's had been involved until they were in their teens, she told me they were b'stards and everything was their fault.. How gullible was I??? O for a Christal ball 😁...... Don't regret it though, I have a daughter!

[Maisymona in reply to thunderacer]

Wow that's a long shift. You must be knackered. I feel so sorry for you, soundsawful I feel bad for all the kids, it's not fair on your daughter. You can't deny a child it's father. Haha a crystal ball would be awesome and also probably save a lot of heartbreak. Aww I guess it's worth it, I'm sure you'd do it a million times over to have her. Bless

[thunderacer in reply to Maisymona]

Yes I would. Goodnight.

😁😂🤗

[Westie-love in reply to Maisymona]

How did you get on at the doctors today Maisymona?

[Maisymona in reply to Westie-love]

Hi.

Thank you for asking. She has stopped the Sentraline and started me on flouroxetine, I was very drowsy on the ones before and apparently that's not normal and upping the dose (the normal next stage) would not be a good idea as the drowsiness would also increase, therefore I'm trying the flouroxetine instead. She wants to see me in two weeks to see how I'm getting on and said to call and see her if things get worse sooner. So all in all a good visit. I just hope these new tablets can help.

How are you coping at the moment?

Thank you for asking, I appreciate it.

[Westie-love in reply to Maisymona]

Things not great for me just now, spent most of yesterday in tears and had to take Diazepam, a malicious cow (X friend) had a go at me, during toddler group, then complained about me to centre staff, so I was pulled out for a chat, luckily they know me well, and agreed with me, but then when I was out with other friends for lunch, she appeared and sat down, I was so angry. So the day never improved, I also had to take my daughter who suffers from blackouts to the Dr's as she was called for jury duty in the high court, again luckily the Dr we has never thought twice, just gave her a form saying she was unfit at this time. Hope today is better for both you and me X

[Maisymona in reply to Westie-love]

Oh no, that sounds like a nightmare. This girl sounds like a stirrer. At least you have the understanding of those around you. Oh no sorry to hear about your daughter, luckily the doctor was understanding. Fingers crossed for a better day today x

[Maisymona]

Update to anyone still on this. So 2 years after this post I found out I had asperges and now nearly 3 years on I am happier than ever, have had the odd blip over the years but knowing my brain now explains so much of how I was feeling. I hope everyone on this got out of it like I did.