I've just come across this site as I have been googling and reading everything I can about depression to try and make sense of it all. I have had quite a bad episode and things have come to a bit of a head - not for the first time but the first time for a while and it's really thrown me. I have a job - I've just been signed off sick by the doctor for 2 weeks which is a relief but I'm already dreading going back. I have a great fiancé but I feel like I'm ruining my relationship by being like this. He tries to understand but I don't even understand what's happening in my head so I can't explain it to him and then he gets frustrated with me. I'm also very angry (again, not sure why exactly) so I take it out on him which I know is unfair but I can't seem to help myself. I have no desire to see anyone or do anything - could easily stay in bed all day but then hate myself even more for wasting the days.
I read a blog where someone said depression should make us come out in big green spots and that's so true. At least people would understand it's an illness - in fact maybe I'd come to terms with it being an illness. I feel like I should be able to just get up and get on with things - people have much worse stuff going on in their lives and still function so why can't I?
I hate being like this so why can't I just stop it?
It's so hard and there are so many stages you go through before you accept that you're depressed. I spent a long time being angry with myself for not coping with life's ups and downs like other people do. Another stretch feeling guilty for not having the same motivation as my colleagues. More time spent feeling sad that my life was being wasted. Time spent feeling jealous of other people's lives, their nice houses and their perfect husbands. Actually time spent grieving the happiness I used to feel.
I have come to understand that depression can't be measured against the things that other people have to put up with. Yes, people have terrible things happen in their lives, but I am not responsible for them and I am just as entitled to feel sad.
You'll find a lot of support and nice people on this forum, I hope you stick around x
Thank you x
Has your doctor put you on any medication or referred you to a specialist at all?
Lorraine
• in reply to
I was on various anti-depressants for years but came off them about 6 months ago. I came off them because a) i had been taking them for about 15 years on and off and I didn't know if they were even working b) I didn't feel like they were doing anything as I still felt depressed on and off. I didn't feel much of a difference when I stopped taking them.
The doctor said I should wait a bit to see whether I need to take them again but has referred me to a counselling service. The frustrating thing is waiting for an appointment as usually by the time they contact me I've picked myself up and forced myself to get on with life and don't want to rock the boat by dragging it all up again.
I've just found this site after becoming so depressed after I was made redundant in 2010. Initially, I was able to cope, but during the autumn of 2013, and subsequent rubbish winter, I seem to be on a downward spiral of depression. No interest in anything, wanting to be safe by staying in bed until 10.00 everyday. I cry to my wife every day, wanting to explain how helpless/useless I feel, and how much I feel I am a burden to her. Thought that the current good weather would cheer me up, but so far no luck..
I used to be really active, but this morning even mowing the lawn, (my garden isn't exactly Wembley) - was a real effort..
I'm currently on Citalopram, but I may as well be taking Fanta for all the good it's doing me!
My apologies for rambling on, but I just wanted to express my best wishes to you - as I and I'm sure many others on this site, understand where you are.
Let's all of us keep battling on - I've been told/ informed it can be beaten, once the green spots go away
Thank you for sharing this Beamer and for your good wishes. I know exactly how you feel and I hope we can all start to feel a bit better soon - shame it's such a battle for us.
i feel like i could have wrote this blog myself in parts! aside from the fact i think i know the reason for the way i feel, ive mentioned in a previous blog an incident occured last december and for the past 4-5 months ive tried to get on with things and suppress my emotions. ive also had time off work (but only because i was forced to due to the seriousness of the event) but it seemed to make me even worse at the time and i actually couldnt wait to get back to work. when i got there..i realised it was a bad idea.
4 months on, i dont know..i have felt low for months but all of a sudden its got even worse to the point where im dragging myself to work at midday instead of 9am, im not speaking to people, im on numerous attendance and flexitime improvement plans and i break down in tears in the toilet cubicle.work is not helping and id love to go off sick again. but would feel bad doing so. which i shouldnt.
right now. try not to think about going back and concentrate on you and getting better. i found reading, walking, painting..just doing stuff i enjoyed but never seem to find time to do..helped enormously..i felt i accomplished something.
theres nothing you can do about work now for a fortnight.. if you still feel bad, you can always see your doctor and see what they recommend? it could well be you need more time.
regardless of whether you think theres a reason or not. this is an illness, and i imagine can affect anyone at anytime without warning.
let me know how you get on, ive been trying to get an emergency appointment at my docs but no joy so far this week. im interested to see what he says. i just wish i would have went sooner.
Thank you for this message. I can totally relate to how you feel about work - this is the first time I've ever been signed off as usually I keep dragging myself in because I feel guilty about letting people down. Ironically though when I do go in I'm always late (as it's such an effort to even get out of bed and leave the house) which I feel bad about, I'm off with my colleagues because I'm worried about telling them I'm depressed or breaking down in tears if someone's nice to me and I don't really get that much work done as I have no interest in what's going on and I can't concentrate!
I don't know which is worse as now that I'm off work all I can think about is that I don't want to go back and I don't want to have to explain myself to the people that I work with - quite hard as I work in a small team with a handful of people - not as if my sudden absence hasn't been noticed and even worse is they probably think there's something physically wrong with me ... I feel like I don't deserve time off for depression as it's not a real reason... although I sort of know that's wrong as well.
It's so damn hard!!!
Anyway enough about me! Did you get an appt to see your GP? xx
i understand how you feel. when you are depressed some people just dont know how to treat you. i have found that regular counselling, time away from work, medication and being honest with key people in my life has helped. i wish i had a flashing light above my head to tell people i am not well though. take care x
I'm with you on the flashing light! Would make life so much easier if everyone else could see we're not well
Hopefully I will hear from the counselling service soon...
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new to this....
I wish to end it all! I'm tired of life and I want to give up! 
