I need help

[Wills55]

I'm a 33 yr old man, I've came on this forum cos I need help! I've been struggling along for 4 and half years without taking any medication, just hate pills in general! since the loss of my dad I have really been struggling. My relationship has been affected, I've became a recluse from my family and stopped talking to them altogether. I can't talk to my partner as I fear she's cheating on me and if I do talk to her then this could be the end of our relationship. I know I have put a considerable amount of weight on but she keeps reminding me, dropping hints and then blatantly coming out with it. I mean she's put weight on since having our daughter but I never said a thing!!! She's had a thing with a guy in her work and still works with him! This is what makes more paranoid than anything! This has affected my sexual relationship too. She never wants to do anything! I feel so insecure with my body!!! It's a struggle to get a hug and right now writing this post anonymously I feel weak as I'm crying my heart out! I need a hug. Some days I just can't cope and lie to her that I'm working late, I sit at the crematorium where scattered my dads ashes and just cry. I've called breathing spaces and spoken to a few advisors but they all say the same thing, maybe this time it'll be different! Any advice?

[Were]

Or that's terrible if you feat she's cheating have words. And as far as you lie to her saying you work late why? And also ya need help ya need some one who understands what your going through is your partner supportive? If not tell her exactly how you feel she may understand its hard i no but you need to talk because holding all your emotions in will make you worse hope your okay and take care x

[Were in reply to Were]

And as for you putting weight on that's life if your fit don't worry x

[manic666]

Well if you don't want to take meds for depression that's been going on for a while. YOU WONT GET BETTER , You have no motivation , your fat with lazing about , that's the way you will stay until you seek help . only you can help yourself

[black-dog]

I was the same as you - I just could not bring myself to take the antidepressants. When I asked what the alternatives were, the doctor told me that I could try counselling but there was a 6 month waiting list at that time!

I then found myself a specialist coach who helped me to heal my depression by getting back in control of my life - I went from powerless to powerful. It was not easy but it is achievable.

Having been through the journey myself, I have now retrained as a coach and I assist others to heal their depression without the use of medication.

[jane-89]

Hello, I had to sign up to this website after reading this post as I just felt really upset by your message.

Just to address the problem of your relationship...First of all, I actually think a lot of women would tell you they are not often attracted to a man simply because of the way they look it's usually a mans confidence and personality that they like, and its defiantly what makes you fall in love with them (trust me all of my female friends are going out with guys less 'good looking' than them but the guys makes them laugh or are charismatic). So I feel like at the base of this problem is not really the fact you have put on weight but the fact that you are unhappy and have lost confidence? Also your partner, you say she has put on weight and just had a baby. Is it possible maybe she to has lost confidence and is feeling down? Her 'thing' with the guy at work maybe this was to make her feel better? That or she may be oblivious to the fact that you are actually depressed. Either way you are torturing yourself thinking about 'what might happen' only thinking of the negative. Maybe you tell her and it brings you closer together? Maybe you tell her and she isn't strong enough to help you through it. Either way it can't be much worse than what you are thinking now. I personally would tell her you are feeling down and her comments don't help, not so she has to help you out of this problem just so you don't have to hid it from her.

Why have you stopped speaking to your family? If it's cos you are feeling low this is crazy, many people suffer from depression and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Again I would just tell them, let them know you don't expect them to give you special treatment but the lines of communication are open.

If you are feeling down about your weight do something, join the gym. NOT BECAUSE YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, but because exercise makes you happy! (actual fact there, google it!) Instead of sitting in the crematorium and crying use this time to go to the gym.

Sorry this was such a long message, I know telling someone what to do rather than actually doing it is a lot easier but your problem really is nothing to be embarrassed about and in my eyes joining the gym (again not cos you need to but it might make you happier) and being honest would really help you out?

Hope this helps!

[jane-89 in reply to jane-89]

Also maybe you should write your partner a note to explain how you feel? Would make it easier and less likely to turn into an argument! x

[welly10]

Start talking to your family you need people who will help and support you.go to doctors if you have not used meds go for counselling start to exercise eat well and get educated about the things that you could have low mood depression.talk to your partner help yourself right now or it will get worse.it does not sound like your partner is not helping so maybe a split would be better for a while.you have to do what is right for you.

[purplesue]

hi. You poor guy. The one thing that no-one else is addressing is the impact that your Dads death has had on you. Grief can affect people for years and almost can get worse as time goes on because its only then you really really miss someone.

Eventually it will get better but you may need to help to process your loss and the loss of a parent can have an extremely profound affect, particularly if you've had a difficult relationship or the opposite, a really close relationship. You may have unresolved issues with other family members and struggle to be around them or feel angry because they seem to be coping and you are not. You may also find it hard being round your family because it makes you much more aware there is somebody missing....whatever it is... bereavement counselling would help you move forward with your own life.

That being said if you have depression which is a persistent low mood...persistent feelings of hopelessness, emptiness and sadness then you need treatment for it. Your resistance to medication is a common stance to take but hows that working out for you? Not too good by the sounds of things and I believe me I held off from taking tablets for years before I became so desperate to feel better I would have done anything! I felt it was soo weak but I know better now.

I totally disagree with the post which tells you you can heal yourself by taking control of your life...you can have the most perfect life and partner and all the money in the world and still feel utterly wretched.

Real depression (as opposed to just being very unhappy ) is an illness...a chemical imbalance which needs a chemical solution. If you had an iron deficiency you would take supplements, if you had an underactive thyroid, you would take tablets. Don't let pride wreck your whole life. Take the anti depressants and listen to the medical professionals. Yes you will come across the odd gp who is unsympathetic and unhelpful but persist until you find a good one..... it will lift you out of the hole you are in and make it possible to deal with the things in your life that needs changing.

Its impossible to give you any advise with regards to your relationship...my heart goes out to you...just be aware your low mood will affect the way you see things. Your partner may be having an affair or not.... you mention you have just had a child....she may simply not be feeling fantastic about herself..its very common for women to lose interest in sex after having children. By your own admission you are not sharing your feelings with her...she will be sensing that too and is maybe withdrawing from you because she is hurt.

Only you really know what to do but you need some support and tlc and you need your partner to understand where you are at.

Get your hugs from your children, pets , friends....something...we all need physical contact and most of all be kind to yourself....take care.