Narcisisstic-like Dad

[Iluvhorses]

I just had another argument with my narcissistic-like Dad and walked away feeling bad like I always do. I know I can lock myself in my room whenever he loses his temper and wait for things to calm down, but it's hard for me to tell when it's time to do that. Sometimes he insults me without yelling and I receive non-constructive criticism from him everyday. If I were to run into my room everytime he was being mean, I would be spending most of my time locked up.

[Hidden]

My husband can be like this and I don't want to go running to my room either. Unless his remarks are truly insulting or untrue I will ignore them, ask him if he's feeling unwell, some how to take the focus off me and put it on him. If he is bullying I call him on it. I will say for instance ' I have never done that, or said that' and then I change the subject. I realize your situation is different, but I think you might be able to confront him without being rude. You do know his behavior is about him and not about you. It would be interesting if you could figure out what sets him off.Keep on keeping on. Pam

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

We had a family counseling session once where I laid everything on the table constructively. We both promised not to carry any discussions in therapy outside of the office, but he broke that promise. He accused me of baraging him.

[StressBuster]

Mbvu, sorry to hear that... Narcissistic people are some of the most difficult to deal with. Your dad probably sees you as an object, instead of an equal. Just flatter him constantly to make him happy—and do whatever you want to do. He'll probably never change....

[Satsuma in reply to StressBuster]

These type of people are toxic and like nothing more than projecting their rage and ill feelings onto others to cause discontent and trauma. As Hidden and StressBuster have said giving him positive feedback will rebound on him

[Hidden]

I read your last post regarding your Uncle and my reply. You are in your twenties and are waiting to complete your Education and then be able to strike out on your own.

Your home life is complex and all I can say is you need to start your life in your own place.

There are several charities that can take people in and give you an environment where you can begin your Life into adulthood. One of these charities have been advertising on television in the last two days, the girl in the advert has left Her abusive home of a Stepfather who was her Mother s boyfriend, She had died and the girl had been abused. I am not saying the advert is following the same mindset All I really advise is that type of centre may help you.

Discuss with your GP, someone on here may have the name of this charity, you are at a hard place at the moment and this type of intervention centre may be able to help

Keep us informed, good luck

BOB

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

I'm looking for a place now. I was molested at my college and took leave. I have been cleared by my therapist to go back, but the Dean of Students told me to commute from home because my abuser will be on campus and he wants me to feel safe. I know it sounds backwards, but there is no evidence to use so that he (my abuser) can be removed from the campus. I'm saying this because I was planning to stay at my school, but now that is no longer an option.

[LoriMS61]

Hi MBVU, I've read through all of your posts so that I have a better understanding of what you're going through and I hope I can help. I have a very intense desire to help people but I understand that sometimes people just need to vent. I'm always here if you need to vent.

You have been through a really tough time, and you have done incredibly well to get where you have. So well done for that. I think it is so impressive that you volunteer and that you know what makes you feel good. I'm trying to get involved with horses in the UK because I agree, I think they can be a very calming influence. Have you watched Heartland? That's how I get my fix of horses at the moment, and also where the inspiration came from.

I'm really glad that you have a counsellor to help you. Have you discussed your Uncle with them? Do you prefer to call him Dad or Uncle? I want to respect your wishes. It sounds like he has his demons too, I just don't want him to have a toxic influence on you. When I've been in a better place in the past I've had people try and sabotage me because they didnt like the changes I was making.

My counsellor gave me a really helpful tool that I want you to try and use, both for your thought process and for how you interact with your Uncle. Whenever a negative thought or negative comment is thought or said ask yourself (and even him): is this helpful?

I'm trying to learn about acceptance and commitment therapy, and have recommended a book I'm reading in another post. With negative thoughts it doesn't matter if they are true/false, it only matters if it is helpful. So when your Uncle says something negative you are absolutely doing the right thing by leaving that environment and waiting until he calms down. It is better to let him cool down to your level than to rise to his level of anger. So remember; is that thought helpful? If it isn't, then dismiss it.

My counsellor has taught me about defusing from my thoughts. What are thoughts but chemical reactions? You can disentangle yourself from his negativity.

I don't remember where you posted it but you also talked about your lack of motivation etc. I suffer from depression and anxiety so I know how hard it can be. Do you think you could have a medication review? Perhaps increase your dosage or try a different medication?

I'm unsure whether you are familiar with TED Talks, but I came across one that I found really helpful.

ted.com/talks/jane_mcgoniga...

In it the speaker talks about a website she set up called Super Better, you earn points for doing certain activities. I find it helpful on dark days.

superbetter.com

Hope I have helped.

Lori

[Iluvhorses in reply to LoriMS61]

Hi there! Thank you so much for reading my other posts as I would hate to be explaining my situation over and over again. I think I've tried everything possible with my Dad (this is what I like to call him) including family therapy. Nothing is changing. He apologized over and over again, but doesn't make any attempts to alter his behavior. I can't find a shelter that will take me in because the abuse from my Dad is not physical or sexual, but I'm looking at low-income housing.

[LoriMS61 in reply to Iluvhorses]

The only thing that you can change is you. How did you get on looking at the low income housing?

I agree with BOB, you need to go to the Police. We are all here to support you. This monster needs to be punished and you need to be safe.

Lori

[Iluvhorses in reply to LoriMS61]

I told the Sheriff and he said it was only attempted assault because he only touched the edges of my private areas.

[LoriMS61 in reply to Iluvhorses]

Is attempted assault a crime? I think you mentioned that you live in America. I googled the following for you:

You may be able to get an Ex Parte Order of protection or “restraining order" against a person for attempted assault, depending on the circumstances and likelihood that the assault could be attempted again. An individual may request for an order of protection against someone if he/she has attempted to either verbally or physically assault the individual and he/she feels that he/she is at risk of physical injury from this person in the future. You'll first want to talk to your local law enforcement to fill out the request for an order of protection. In extreme cases, where the assault is likely to be attempted again or credible verbal threats have been made, an emergency order of protection can be granted by a judge. In cases where it is less likely, they may require a court hearing to decide whether or not the circumstances support such an order.

[Iluvhorses in reply to LoriMS61]

I have a no contact order on him which is one level below a restraining order. The sheriff didnt think any laws were broken.

[Hidden]

The College has a duty of care therefore you should report the abuse to the Police.

The college would prefer you to back of, this is wrong, you should be treated with respect and not need to accept that type of behaviour

Tell the Police

BOB

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

I did that and they told me no law was broken...

[Hidden]

You do what you need to do to keep yourself sane and safe. Remember this is on him not you.I know you probably feel like you're breaking up your family, but I don't think you have a choice. Someday you'll have your own family and in the mean time you have us. A lot of people here care about you , post as much as you need to and take care. Pam

ps Bob is a wise man, listen to him.

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

I don't have a job nor do I plan on getting one because I cannot work and pursue a degree at the same time with my depression and anxiety. I might qualify for low-income housing in my area so I'm looking into that.

[ilovemusic]

Hey, mbvu, just wanted to say sorry you're going through that and hope you can find yourself a more peaceful living situation soon! Hope the low-income housing thing checks out for you.